You know, these past few months have been quite the ride. And to be honest, I feel as if I've cheated my writing for some time. I get the feeling it hasn't entirely been authentic or genuine because I find myself trying to phrase my thoughts so precisely to get some sort of response from you guys. I want to organize my thoughts so clearly and flower it up in delightful words and colorful phrases that I begin to hide myself behind my words. But, hasn't that always been my problem? I try to sound so dashing and clever when writing has always been something so personal, true, and honest to me from the day I posted my first blog 7 years ago. But over some time, I've been getting the feeling I've been trying and thinking just a tad too much, when I simply should just write for the sake of writing. Because I love it that much. And for me to deceive you through something I love so much is shameful.
I'm not telling you to disregard any of the last few posts just because I was "lying" to you-- because that itself is a lie. Every word and phrase I've said I have meant wholeheartedly. But behind all those words and phrases, I still have felt a part of me was hiding behind that. I write because this is the one place I've felt most able to express my feelings and thoughts in a clear and concise manner-- in something I feel oh so very comfortable in, but something I treasure as an art in itself. Why hide in something so powerful as that? When all I've needed is right in front of me?
The last few weeks of high school had served as a time, for me, to finally let loose and just BE. And, looking back at those moments, I wouldn't have taken anything back. It started with me stepping out into the limelight in front of 40+ other girls whom I had known for years but never really got to know my story. And there I was, baring it all in front of them. All the pain I've pent up, the habits I've taken up, the people I've disappointed and the doubt and shame and overall perspective I held that were all wrong. The girl who first walked through those doors wasn't the same one walking out. And that really was a life-changing moment, whether I knew it or not.
Hugs came after me, praises flew at me, eyes were stolen in my direction, and hearts were giving in. People were finally able to truly see me... And the rest is history.
"How've you been Rach? ... You just seem a lot happier these days."
"I am."
Everything that happened in the months prior to then didn't matter as much anymore, because I was who I was then, and am who I am now. And that was all that mattered.
I know my past 10 or so posts have related to something about Kairos, but please bare with me. Because with every attempt I try to write about it, I try to capture the essence of what it exactly was for me. I try to recapture what I've learned and experienced in words here, but time after time I do not feel satisfied, and so, I address it. Again and again. Until I finally feel complete. Will that day ever come? I'm not sure, but, like everything else in life, I will try and try again to tap into that feeling. And experience. And then I will write... Just for the sake of writing.
Whenever I think back to those times, I can't do so without flashing by big geedy teeth into the air or without my heart gushing over all the memories made. Now, memories are tokens of one's past and, whether joyous or heartbreaking, they remind you of what you once were. And possibly still are. They link you back to your Home (which is a topic and subject I've exhausted so much within the past few posts). But memories, whether I would like to cherish or forget, remind me of my Home. When those scenes run through my head again, I can't help but feel my heart start to pump and eyes begin to quiver. Emotions and conversations are replayed, whether it be one with someone frustrating the balls out of my eye sockets, or someone making butterflies rapidly leap out of my belly from a good laugh. These memories remind me of who I once was, and how far I've come since then. Even if it's the thought of a friendship with someone I so long wish to rekindle, but question if I will ever be able to cross paths with ever again, I remain grateful. Memories are a kind of way to wholeheartedly accept your experiences. That is why I remain forever grateful for them, both for the obvious and not-so-obvious reasons.
Now, I wrote something about "hiding behind words" earlier. That's always been a big problem for me, and when I first was trying to squeeze something out of me for my Kairos talk, a motherly-sisterly-mentor advised me to "write it like a journal entry, because right now you're hiding behind your words." What's the use of writing about something you think about, or something you've learned about and want to preach about? What about what you feel in order to have something tangible to hold onto? You're doing and you're writing, you're saying and you're delivering, but what are you actually doing? Feeling? Believing?
That's why I am going to be more sincere in my writing. With less thinking, and more doing. Less organizing, and more splattering it all out. Baring it all. And, for the sake of my writing and the honesty I'd like to preserve, I don't think I will be able to write to you guys on here for much longer. Too much attention is given on here, too many eyeballs and too many words exchanged... I don't want to discredit the value of my writing just because I'm afraid the wrong eyes will see it. But, if you wish, you may always read my writing elsewhere. But, on here, I'm afraid my poor soul will be too afraid to "make it sound right" and censor what I'm afraid others might see.
In terms of my music, I'm afraid I have cheated myself for some time as well. Like my writing, I've been so afraid to make it sound so right and crisp, that my "perfectionist" mind made me so insecure--and doubtful--of my own abilities. If I love music that much, I will treat it the same way I will treat my writing. With all the honesty and love and respect I can give it. Now, for a little background on it, I feel as if my guitar playing was never up to par. I've already known I have a gift with guitar as I picked it up so naturally and gracefully--as my guitar teacher will constantly say from time to time--but I feel my lack of knowledge in theory and way around the neck impairs my ability. And thus, I beat myself up in not being "up to par" that I try to tell myself to get better and better so I can be a respected guitar player and musician. Over the years, I've felt that if I couldn't play those snazzy sixteenth note chord progressions or A minor pentatonic scales, I wasn't worthy and wasn't good enough. I felt as if people wouldn't take me seriously. But, with some clear thinking and an honest heart, I've realized those don't matter much. I've lost track of what's really lied true to me at the heart of music--and writing, for this manner--that I've lost, and cheated, myself in my pursuit of these tasks. I want to play just because I love it, and I want to sing--badly, I might add--just because I love it, too. Of course, it is never bad to fine tune your skills in your art or craft, but, it is never worth it to forget why you came to it in the first place. Why and how you got there... Your Home... Your memories. Your experiences.
To lose that due to insecurity or for fear people will not take me seriously is never worth it. I just gotta do, gotta write, and gotta play. Shower it with all my love...
Now, I apologize that this post was extra long, but this will forever be a token of my gratitude to this art, this craft, this love, and to you--who all inspire this art. I know I've already said "I don't think I will be able to write to you guys on here for much longer" in the prior paragraphs, but just know I'll always be writing. And playing. And probably will continue to from time to time on here, but only in good heart.
Now, I'd like to leave you on this song that's been touching my heart lately. Think well, dream well, write well, and feel well:
"Find your calling
Even in the dark
Find your calling
You gotta find your calling
Even in the dark
Everyone must be heard
Even in the darkness"
-- "Even In The Dark", Company of Thieves
