Life Goals

College? So far so good. I'm beginning to feel comfortable here and am enjoying it very much. It's good to have things that remind you and bring you back to Home when you are 7 hours away, and this is just that:

While introducing myself to people, finding out what majors others are (I've yet to find someone with Arts & Humanities as well! ...but if I'm the only one, I wouldn't be bothered!), I found that my major seems to cause quite a stir and confusion. Nobody really knows what exactly an Arts & Humanities major is until I explain that it basically is majoring in English/writing with a concentration in an arts (with my choice--music). I've always been afraid of establishing myself as something and finding out that it limits me from doing what I actually want to do. So, as my college career is beginning to find its ground, I want to make a list of a few life goals that are so dear to me that I never want to lose track of. These are the goals that I find I would be extremely disappointed in not accomplishing, and things that would make my heart stop beating and make me feel an extreme sense of failure. I've thought long and hard about these, but to have it posted up here as a constant reminder will help me keep track of what truly matters to me in these changing times.

Ergo!

1. To marry, love, and raise a family in a place that feels like Home.
2. To perform in a band and write some, if not most, of their music.
3. Journey into the "unknown" in a foreign country, i.e. travel.
4. Have coffee and share laughs with high school friends during break hours in adult life.
5. To establish myself with my culture, my writing, and my music all throughout my life.
6. To be a good person.

What matters to you? What do you hope to accomplish?

To you, Kariktan

This past weekend helped me to realize how much I've really come to appreciate being a part of Kariktan. These past couple of months performing at our 'revival' shows made me really feel a part of the family. It was the first time I could say I could've cried over leaving it...

6 years is one heck of a long commitment--and in that comes a lot of growth, especially when you start off as some shy, naive and dream-driven 12-year-old Catholic school girl and come out a full-grown, aware, driven, and more confident 18-year-old performing artist, friend, and woman. I have been given so much these past 6 years from Kariktan, no matter how many times I've complained through doing dances I don't want to do, or times when I didn't want to show up... Somehow, I always showed up when I could. Something was still holding me in. Why? Because I owe so much to you, KDC. You have given me a family.

I've never exactly had those close-knit family ties and relationships throughout most of my life. I never had that elder I could confide in, or that cousin I could share all my secrets with or spend time sleeping over, eating out of their fridge. My relationships with my family have always been distant. I guess a reason for that could be because of my father's early death in my youth, thus cutting off ties with his side of the family. My mom doesn't have many relatives here in the U.S. since she came here from the Philippines in the early 80s, I believe. It was usually always me, my brothers, my mom, and the aid of my mom's parents (my grandparents). I guess that's why I've come to love my two older brothers so much--we were all we had.

When Kariktan came up in 2006, my whole family became involved. Initially, it was my brothers who were involved, but so many families were already involved in it. I watched and wanted to be a part of it too, even though I was younger than the majority. Then, one day, the loud and scary old woman who was always yelling to all the kids about getting their timing and movements right, bending their backs and shifting their feet (literally), saw me pass by one day and encouraged me to join. My brothers, my brothers' friends, family members, and new faces... girls I could look up to so I could finally have that "womanly" influence on me... There was a sense of a love for dance, culture, art, family, community, and belonging in the room. So much youth and so much food (literally)... and all the places we could go. The rest is history from then on.

I don't want to recap on all of my experiences with Kariktan because that would be far too long, plus I could never be able to catch the effect of it all, for it really is something inexplicable and almost indescribable when you actually do it yourself, but... Kariktan has opened so many doors for me. Before, I was just following my two older brothers' footsteps, wanting to get in on what they do, but I found a place for myself in it. Kariktan brought my own little family together, as well as bringing me a new one that could never be replaced. I've seen countless faces come and go, and I've met people from all walks of life. Kariktan brought me closer to Steph Salas in the 7th grade, which later introduced me to API my sophomore year in high school. I became API-club president for 2 years, creating a motherly-sisterly bond with the heartwarming Ms. Canga, then turned my Confirmation sponsor. Through dancing at my school, I've met countless guys who "flocked" to me (as one would say), who I've paid in return with the joy and knowledge that can come through cultural dancing... Kariktan has helped build my experience with performing for event coordinators around the Bay Area, increasing my own social skills with my peers, fellow company-members, and those in the audience... It has given me a buttload of community service hours, probably being my ticket into acceptance at the University of California, Irvine, this coming fall... and aside from all that, I have grown so much. I wouldn't know how to wear or put on makeup without it, or how to dress to formal occasions, or how to behave and understand true commitment... I've become open-minded and accepting of all differences through this, especially when cultural dancing has been an under-appreciated art in our society....

I don't mean to ramble (my mind is half awake right now), but, Kariktan has been my stage for becoming the person I am today, and I couldn't be more grateful to it for that. I would've never thought I could dance, or let alone perform solo dances in front of thousands of people... I would've never become aware of my own image, and how much of an impact I truly can make. That, behind a pretty face lies a thousand stories untold... but only told when I dance, or when I write, or when I play music... It has given me a love for the performing arts, and made me realize my own beauty, as a person.

My mind really kept drifting off throughout this post (and I'm not sure if I got to say what I originally wanted to say), but, with all this being said, I have come to stand on my own two feet in this group, without having to stand alongside my two brothers. I've become my own person, and I've come to really connect with this family I've known for 6 years, which has truly felt like my entire life and childhood. They've seen me grow up since I was a little girl.... and I know that I can always walk in to open doors and opportunities with Kariktan. There are no insecurities, no awkward feelings... Just one open family enjoying the beauty, resilience, and splendor of music, dance, culture, and art. That, is what Kariktan stands for.

Summer 2011, you have been well

Do you ever get those moments where you have the strongest urge to write something, but you just don't know what to write?
I've been getting that quite a lot lately. I always see other bloggers constantly updating and writing new posts weekly, if not, daily, and, if I call myself a writer, why am I the one stuck at home, letting my days pass me by by soaking up my free time in summer television mystery and crime dramas and re-runs of "Friends"? Now, I have to say, there is just such a complete sense of total relaxation when I'm able to snuggle up in bed, curl my toes in, and let my mind escape through the lives of mystery men and women living the lives I wish I could live every so often. The complete escape? Yes. Just as books and films have given us all over the years, television soaps give us that escape we all need after a hard day's work or a highly uneventful day cooped up at home. But, I'm sure you can all agree that routine grows mundane and we all seek a little "excitement" every now and then. We want to feel connected to the world, but by living our lives watching the lives of others, we disconnect ourselves and want something more.

Although I haven't been able to do everything I wish I could have done this summer, I can say that this past summer has been one of the most enjoyable ones in such a long time. I don't know if it's just from the momentum of senior year or the outlook I had gained from it, but I've made the effort to put myself out there and "venture out" to "see the world". I've gotten to see many (maybe too many) of the films I've been interested in seeing in theaters, I've gotten to devote my weekends to Kariktan performing all around the Bay Area at theme parks, festivals, and parties like old times, I've gotten to play music at a friend's church camp, see the lovely Dia Frampton as her time was wrapping up on "The Voice" (and make one crazy trip to LA and back in one day), go to the beach at Santa Cruz with some friends, have random sleepovers, laugh attacks, and fail covers at my best friend's house, reunite with my family when my grand-auntie passed away (and get some hungry eyes from Mr. Moscato), make an imprint on my path towards getting my driver's license, serenade my ears and be inspired once again at SF's Outside Lands Music & Arts Festival, get to know the UCI campus just a little bit better (and feel more comfortable with it, at that!), see the ever-so-charming Joseph Gordon-Levitt with hitRECordJoe in SF, and just, spend such valuable time with my family before I depart...
 
That was quite a long list, I apologize, but, I guess it's plain to see that I have done quite a lot this summer and, although I complain all the time in-between due to unproductivity of time spent at home, I can walk away from Summer 2011, and all the places I've been, people I've been with, and events I've experienced, with a smile on my face. I will enter UC Irvine's campus this coming mid-September with a positive outlook and attitude, content with leaving my Home of the lovely NorCal in such good terms and so much of my love. So many memories have been made here, that every time I do come back Home, to you, lovely Northern California, I will remember all the places I've been to, events I've witnessed, and the faces I've been touched by over the past few months, and years...

I will learn to build myself a new home of my own down here at Irvine. I may not have exactly been convinced that I would be going to UC Irvine for college, but there is a reason I am going here now. There's a reason I'm leaving everything I love and everything I've become familiarized with, for a new and unknown place in Southern California. Maybe I just need to grow up. Maybe I'll meet some good people. Maybe I'll make new connections. Maybe I'll find the answers to my seemingly far-off dreams. Maybe this is that exact push I've needed all along...

Wow, I apologize that this is getting a lot longer than I'd originally hoped for (and a lot gushier too), but, once I get through all of the grunt work of preparing to live in my dorm and moving out, I am sure things will turn for the better. The minute I step into my dorm of uncertainty, I just need to tell myself, "You are here. Everything is right here, waiting for you. Go see what you can color, and who you can color."


Three and a half (almost four) full months of summer vacation does drag on, but, at the same time, it has given me so much. I may not have written as much as I would've liked to, or improved my scalework on the guitar, or even written and composed as many new songs as I'd like to, but this is my life, and I have enjoyed it. Sure, we all are always looking for something more, but I've been content. No, I am not settling for less, because, trust me--I am never settled. but, I have come to appreciate this very life I live. There is still so much waiting inside of me to get out, but, that comes only with time... Growth and time, my friend. Patience is a gift. Maybe UCI can offer me that.
Just two more weeks before I leave my beloved Home. What can be done?