It's funny. Ever since I was 12-years-old, I always dreamed of what it would be like to have a Valentine. Romantic dinner date nights, strolling under city lights wrapped up in the scent of roses and chocolate, all with someone you really love... It's a very childlike fantasy.

Last year, I had the rare opportunity to ask someone; but, thankfully, things were already "rolling in the deep" that life took me to where I was supposed to belong at that time of the year. "Scattered in a sea" of uncertainty and living by pleasing others' wishes, I came to terms with myself and what it is I wanted. With all the love, confidence, and belief I had in myself and my relationships with others, my tremendous growth came with me as I went to college. I was focused on me: to further my music, my writing, and my overall status and growth as an individual, as well as making imprints on the lives of those I loved. This was the time for me to live life in the way I wanted to. ...and you can bet that that is how people have perceived me here: I've made no motives to want something else.

I'm not sure how I feel about this year's Valentine's Day. This day, to me, has always been a day that passes with no key special gifts being given or received, or hopes to dream up of. It was a day for me to smile at other couples and dream of the day I'd be in my mid-20s or so with someone to share it with. At these times, I realize just how happy I am being me--single and all. Love, to me, would only come (and I'd graciously accept it) when I feel most ready to accept it.

From a good hallmate friend of mine giving me chocolates in the morning and a bear and a rose at night, with being asked to Semi-Formal (sneakily) in the middle of it all... Why does it all give me such a strange feeling? Why am I not ecstatic? Why do I kindly accept these gifts and invitations with a nice hug, smile, but no felt emotions? Why, when I look at these gifts, do I look in disappointment?

It's the feeling of not wanting to disappoint. The feeling of not being able to reciprocate those same feelings back. It brings me back to what I felt awful about a year ago--how I could care about someone so much, but could never ever have been able to give them those same feelings they deserved back. I'm not sure how to react, and I feel so heartless and cold by not being able to love back, but the secret notion of them expecting something more from me, or maybe just wanting to spend some of their precious time with me to keep them happy--that haunts me. And it brings me back full circle again.