Nineteen

"Another year older, another year wiser," they say.

That may be true, but, every birthday, I find myself taking a second to look back on past years, seeing where I was at that point in my life, and how much I've changed within the past year. For the first time, I believe I can say, with confidence, that I am done with Eighteen.

18 was a big year for me. I remember the day very briefly: I welcomed it in the morning with the sweet melodies of Samantha James, Meg & Dia, and Hall & Oates, with a voice-message left by a very fond friend of mine; I opened my arms to the love of my first admittance of a Best Friend, and spent the day swarmed with messages of Kai-love and messages blowing up my Facebook wall and phone; I remember sitting quietly in 3rd period Economics as I hold back my cackles as I'm about to pee in my pants from a letter my Best Friend gave me; my really good school and Kai-buddy baked me cupcakes which I shared with friends at break, as I eat lunch with my Kai-leader family (which always seems to bring an aura of genuine happiness and care for and with each other whenever we're brought together); I end the school day walking the halls of De La Salle to greet all of my guy friends, and continue with an adventure at home with music with my Best Friend. Everything I could've asked for brought to me in one day... This day turned the tables on how I previously saw birthdays as "nothing to be thrilled about".

"It is not just another day. This day is a testimony of your life, this is a declaration of your significance. Today is important and I expect you to treat it as such. But whether it be today or the next day or some day in June, know that I am down to be there for you for anything, whenever you need me, I'll make the effort to help you out. Remember, I am your friend." - @ayanagiann

The day I began my eighteenth year set the pace for how the rest of my year went in a nutshell, ironically enough. I laughed more, smiled more, and had the confidence to really show people who I am. I opened myself up to the love of friendship for the first time. I lived a 4-month long summer in the best way possible, keeping intact with my Kariktan family performing strings of summer performances and spending countless days and nights with my brothers and family at concerts and shows. I've left my sheltered home for the first time, and brought myself to really grow in my music and writing... Eighteen was the year I set my best self forward, continually growing.

As my second quarter here at UCI has been coming to a close, I find myself feeling more and more unmotivated, finding myself in a state of constant "elsewhere-ness"-- something so familiar to my first 3 years in high school. Repetition is beating down the back of my neck, while everything I've been involving myself in doesn't seem to offer what I was looking for anymore. Instead of living wholly in present moment--being as appreciative, enthusiastic, and happy with the now--I find myself drifting off into the disease of what brought so much angst and loneliness my first 3 years of high school: the yearning for a constant, better tomorrow.

It's a good thing to find myself ending my eighteenth year on a good, happy notes, as I enter my nineteenth out of "la la land" and into the reality of what it is I want for my future.

I've been blessed with such good company while I've been down here, and they have definitely made my first birthday away from home quite enjoyable. Although being down here isn't much a "home" for me yet, they have helped create a community in which I feel as if I can belong, bringing me new dimensions in my life that help me see who I really am. That is quite a blessing in itself.

Nineteen: my final year as a teenager; I expect you to be a year in which you challenge me to help me transition into those roaring 20's. In my prior year, you let me be me; now is time to be me on a grand scale. Changing focus? I think so.