The Autumn Haze

I remember feeling through that misty, fragrant scent of full-blown leaves and dewy scents from late rainfall as I would scratch my eyes to see through the fog a bit clearer. And, as a new day would awaken, I could see the late afternoon sunshine fighting through those vibrant Autumn leaves--full of deep reds, greens, vibrant yellows and browns... The Autumn haze. What was to be said of it?

I can say that I've been deprived of my favorite season of the year because I'm down here in So Cal and the nostalgia is hitting me in the arse, but do these times call for deeper moments? A change of seasons? A new found perspective or foggy head? Fall marks the period of finally settling in to the school year; and, for some, worries kick in.

I had a late night chat with a suitemate last night who really had the urge to vent about her situation in college. She has this very calm and reserved demeanor--reflective of my own state at times when I'm alone and content--and, when she would talk to me about her worries, she talked with such clarity and coherence in a manner that felt as if she was thinking about all this for such a long time and had already formulated just what to say. Now, when I talk, I find myself a complete mess with my mind running off on all these different tangents, with every thought and feeling coming every which way (which is why I resort to writing for clarification). But, some of the things she was mentioning seemed to be things I've pushed to the back of my mind, only to realize that they have really been somewhat bothersome as well.

I hate to resort to old instincts, but the idea of "connecting to people" was brought up. She was saying how the only people she could find herself relating to were our older R.A. (Residential Adviser) and C.P. (Community Programmer). But, with a natural want for an intimate and closer connection, as opposed to the somewhat distant and easy-going group social setting, she was really frustrated with the fact she wanted more from their friendships and felt, deep down, that her friendships were "all out of niceness"--that the possibility for something more might not be visible. In high school, I've found that very early on I became very critical of my own friendships with others. I found myself always swamped with people and attention, just because I was a "pretty" and "quiet" girl who seemed completely content on her own. People were drawn to me, and even "flocked" to me (as an elder "sister" would say) in my latter years. For my natural inborn "people-pleasing" Libra-esque tendencies, harmony was everything and conflict was avoided by whatever means necessary. I hated to disappoint people--let alone myself--and I always gave my complete compassion and sincerity to people. And, in college, I find myself wanting the same thing--when people are interested in having a closer relation to me, I find myself backing off because of that want for "something more".

I guess, just as my April Kairos adult team leader Strandy, I want to work on placing more trust in people. Not just in anyone, but in those I truly do feel that special friendship and "click" with. And, although it may seem as if I'm "settling" with the people I associate with, I love them to death and wholly appreciate their company. It's just that, at the end of the day, there will always be those few notable people I wish to find. Those I can just "click" with and form a real bond--not just those that can get me through the day.

I've always been a patient person, just changing with the seasons and changing my "colors" all the same in light of displaying different aspects of myself; and, I've always had Faith. Just as I told my suitemate, "You can't really force a friendship onto someone. I feel that whenever that 'right' friend comes, they'll come at the right moment... The more you force it onto someone, the less natural it will come. The friendship will flourish if it will, but the right one will come in time."

There's really no use in worrying about where that "best friend" you make in college will be--if you find one or not. But, I've learned to just "Enjoy the Ride" and "Live Right Now"--reminiscent of my Kairos retreats. Everything that matters is what you do right now, and how you perceive and look at the things you have in your life now. Tomorrow comes another day ("Tomorrow's mystery"), but you have full control of where you are right now. Eager planning should only come when necessary, and the instant you feel that "click", don't let any more time pass you by in making the most of it... I guess, to put it short, I'm just trying to make the most of what I've got now before...later on down the road, it's gone. I've always had Faith in that I've trusted where He would take me. When my last winter was the darkest period of my life, I knew that I would learn so much more from it--and I have, for I've developed stronger backbone. So, change yourself with the seasons, as smoothly as you can, as I will do the same. Like the misty fog, the sun is always shining on the other side of those burnt out leaves... It's just waiting for your approach.

Riding On Eagle's Wings, Among the Stars

Looking through unanswered texts from my phone, all I see are things from different people saying, "Please call me when you have the time?" "Do you have time to webcam? For even just like 5 minutes? Even one minute is fine" "We just miss you" "I miss randomly seeing you in the halls and having lunches where we'd vent to each other!" "Your cookie made me cry so much."

It's been a full month since I first came here, and just before an hour ago I could've said with complete honesty that "I haven't felt homesick at all yet. It surprises me."

Man, was I too quick to say that... But, isn't it funny how the very thing that hits your heart and brings you right back home is your very own religion? I know I haven't been an adamant professor of my religion, morely because I've been so stubborn about it and have--in a way--despised religion. Ever since teenage angst hit me late freshman morely sophomore year, I've always found myself as more of a spiritual than religious person, finding the reasons people go to church as so in-genuine. People using church as an excuse for their faults? People going to it because they are "forced" to? I've always asked for the sincerity in the act, which is why I've only gone when I'm fully awake, fully present, and fully aware... Making that sacrifice and giving my time was important to me, but I hated going and seeing a body of such faithless people... But, who was I to even judge?

College has changed that idea for me. At the very beginning of the year, Patricia has tried her very hardest to make me feel completely at home and comfortable as I could be down here in Irvine. I've always been so used to giving myself to others that it felt so odd to have someone give so much attention to me... But, with time, I've grown to learn that that is just who she is. For those she loves, she takes care of them as much as she can (which is why I truly hope she finds someone who can take care of her in ways she would've never thought of!). She saved me from swarming sorority girls tempting my innocence, she introduced me to clubs and organizations that really help further myself as a person and what I care about--such as keeping my culture intact through the Filipino org, my creative juices through writing, and the music alive in my very own dorm. And, how could I ever forget my Faith. I've been attending a Catholic mass every Sunday here, which felt a bit odd since it doesn't exactly feel like the ones I've been used to for the 18 years of my very existence. Christ the King as the said "very best Catholic church in the nation" is hard to let go of, especially since I've been an adamant parishioner with my family since I was born. I grew up there, and I formed my own being there, and my family is still there... I hold such deep sentiments to it... Which is why mass brings back Home to me.

And so, by going to a few 6:30pm masses, a 12pm mass, and finally a 10am mass here, I've found the one that really makes me feel at Home. Being so far away from Home, away from the comfort of knowing the people and places who make up that small suburban community in the sunny East Bay Area, I need something for me to hold onto as a keepsake and reminder of Home. I've said countless times that Patricia has really brought that here for me--which I can never be thankful enough for--but the absolute beauty and symbolism through the Catholic faith has given me just exactly what I've needed. I've learned that my faith has become a part of me--it makes up my roots and my overall being. Without it, I'd be lost. And, halfway through an entire mass of reflection and pent-up feelings and connections to my Home through song and thought, it's not until "On Eagle's Wings"--the song that was played during my dad's funeral--until I finally breakdown.

Now, it was borne in the sky that I would grow up to be a person defeated by her sentimentality and longing for nostalgia, and I can't help but think so fondly of my past experiences and keep them close to heart. Nothing else would break my heart than forgetting who I've been and where I've come from, and how far I've gone since then... There's so much truth that can be found in the stars, which I'm sure is the reason why Ms. Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan was so fond of them.

But man, how that longing for my seemingly far-off dream will never fade... This period in my life that serves as a sort of "escape" from all I've ever known is only allowing me to grow closer to achieving that dream, and being all that I ever could have been... If only I allowed myself the chance to let that happen.

I feel that all of these choked up words are only His way of telling me how personal my Home is to me--that no matter how far I may go off, it will never leave me. It's a part of me.

And for those messages I've mentioned in the beginning, why is it the very moment I feel myself growing a close relation to someone, I still must keep my distance and "escape"... Even my dorm friends miss me... What am I so afraid of? What is it I'm hiding from? Or is it just the feeling that I yearn for something more?

If anything, I must remember that I've learned ACCEPTANCE this past year. All of the love shared and gained from Kairos... I need to Live the Fourth. Now. I've been in such good shape, full of life, happiness, and love... But something needs to bring you back down to help you fully realize where you are. It's easy to lose yourself in a foreign environment, but it's hard to forget where you've been, gone, and what you've felt... For that's the part of you that holds the most importance. That very past that may haunt you, and even make you feel so happy you wish you could re-live it all again, but, as its said... "You are the sum of your experiences." Don't forget that, darling.

Running in Circles to Home

Why does the world (literally) run in circles? Days and nights are caused by the world's rotation, and human existence itself runs in a constant cycle from birth to death to rebirth and reproduction and whatnot... And, to be even more precise, why do our minds always run in circles?

I'm no psychology major and nor do I even know of the workings and mechanics of the human brain, but I guess one could say my mind has been pretty loopy this past week. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've first started college with Week 2 of the 10-week quarter system just ending, and, in that inevitably needs to come a "road block" that brings you back Home. It brings you away from all the pure and innocent excitement for a new life with new people and faces, like the excitement you get from wearing a fancy new dress or trying on new shoes to walk and conquer the world in. I haven't exactly felt homesick just yet, but, thanks to Patricia (who has been so adamant on me applying and joining and trying all these different opportunities and experiences just because she has so much faith and belief in my talent and creativity!), I've been reminded of Home so much from her.

On Monday this past week, I attended my first "Open Mic". I don't think I've ever actually been to one, but it shone a tremendous amount of light on how much I've been lacking my creative edge for writing. It's definitely very overwhelming to see how much activity goes on in this campus; and to find myself placed in some small room with 50 or so other spoken word addicts seeking some sort of inspiration, renewal, or even just a form of purging of emotions, it reminded me of the love I haven't exactly been "paying my dues" for. It felt like a form of unrequited love, with me being the one to not give in the mutual effort (as always). Spoken word may not exactly be my forté or "style", but there's something very gratifying about this art to the point of leading me to be stuck in a solemn reverie for hours, retaining a somewhat "distant" attitude with my fellow peers and friends (a side of me that they haven't been able to see yet, due to my regular giggling, smiling, and overall optimistic state of mind). The feeling was more of a remorse. I'd a feeling I had let myself down from being that girl who was able to use her voice, her words, and her talents to speak to others too... Something I've always been so passionate and, in a way, too desirous to the point of being unhealthy of. I haven't been able to tend to that want so much with my mind constantly drifting off with "happiness" and "Kai-highs"--circles.

Persisting for a couple of days, I resorted back to my somewhat "recluse" nature just to be able to breathe a little more and regain my composure. I feel that that's one of the most important things people must do in college, personally because I could never let myself lose myself through all of this change. Not only would it break my heart, but it'd also bring a tremendous amount of failure for me. (But, please don't read my wrong my darlings--I don't coop myself up in my room all day; maybe for just a few hours :P) I find myself needing to take a little break from the constant socialization and interactions often, just to breathe. After all, even though I do thrive off of social interaction, I am a Pisces--and one darn reserved one at that--who gets her usual fish-out-of-water feeling from time to time. It would even lead to my friends jokingly saying, "I hardly see you anymore! You're always hanging out with the cooler friends now, huh? We're not 'cool enough'?!" Trust me, that's not the case, because I love you guys too much.

One thing I've really come to love about my hall is that, not only are we all so darn musically talented and constantly play instruments throughout the day and through the wee hours of the night, but our R.A. makes it such a loving and open environment that we constantly have hall bonding times. Wednesday was devoted to "Otero Game Night", which led us to really getting to know the lesser-known people in our hall we haven't been able to meet (66 in all). To prevent this from being longer than necessary, I got a little "Kai-high" and wanted to hug and trample everyone I've missed in the past couple of days, along with enjoying the company of these friendly people. Huge dinners, yummy desserts, too many jam sessions, random work-out exercises and Disney sing-a-longs, and maybe even some movie nights and Rock Band or Super Smash Bros. (it's good to show up the boys for a change :P)... It's nice to come "home" to this every day and night. Kaba Meetings and Events every week also remind me of what I've missed from Kariktan in my culture--my respect for my roots and where I've come from. Again, it's the circles.

But, what's in front of us can truly prove to be distracting, and, at the back of one's mind always lies the same deep desires, thoughts, wants, and longings. My need to write, my love to make music, and my interest in making film: how could I ever forget you? For you are always haunting me in the still of the night! Why do I always come back to you?

It's because You are Home to me. When I write, I begin to remember who I am again. I remember where I've come from, and why I've done this for 6+ years. You were the only way I could ever express myself, and where I was able to control and deliver my thoughts in a clear setting. When I make music, I'm able to emit the emotions I feel inside of me, for writing doesn't always allow that. Music let's me be--to be as corny as ever--and let's people see the real me rather than words written on some mindless screen. Film brings everything to life. The ability to hear words that have been written that connect some part of your heart and mind to a nerve in your spinal cord or the fluttering butterflies that lie in your tummy... It can amount to everything I am... Everything that Home has been to me, and will be, my time here at UCI.

Everything truly runs in circles, but where you are going with that circle... Where it rolls off to, and what debris or something nice that it picks up along the way, is always changing. Some people, faces, events, experiences, and feelings come and go... Some stay, as I've always said... Life runs in circles. and it's funny how through each and every event I go through, no matter how many changes may occur to its shape and form, that circle still has its "essence" and center that lies true to who You are. You come back around to it, remembering who You once were, and who You still are. You come back to what You've loved for so long, remembering those comforting faces. You remember old feelings... Why do we run in circles?

Progress. It requires some sort of accepting things from the past, taking some things with you, re-feeling old feelings to give you some backbone, and to remember why You are here in the first place. Never disregard or deny some feeling or event that happens to You. No matter how little it may seem at the moment, it serves a purpose. "Nothing's coincidence," and these recollections are no exception. Home is where the Heart is (as I've probably tired and made trite over the past months), and the circles You may run in or hide from let You re-feel that Home because, in essence, You are who You have always been, and will be. What goes around always comes back around, but You can decide everything that happens in that small moment that happens in-between. Life's circles... Treasure them. These moments are the epitome, and quintessential points, of You. Never lose sight of that, my dears! Never lose sight of You!

Sometimes, you can surprise yourself when uncertainty draws near

When you take that leap of faith, you can surprise yourself with how quickly your feet settle down into ground underneath your soles.

It's been exactly two weeks since I've begun my path for a new life on my own. Two weeks ago, I remember being fairly uncertain of what lies ahead of me, holding deep sentiments to the people, places, and things that made up my Home back in the lovely Northern California. I performed my last string of summer performances with Kariktan--a close-knit group of family and friends of 6 years--with a dedicated performance to me (which seriously made my heart melt), I hung out, kicked back, and talked deep topics like old times with my best friend as she finished her first quarter of college as I was about to begin mine, and I cherished the last few moments I had with family and familiar faces through concert-hopping, vegging out, and being the best customers at the local restaurants and movie theaters.

Summer 2011 was one summer to remember forever, as I've said millions of times. 4 months is just enough time to allow me to enjoy what really matters to me in my life, living each and every moment to its fullest with the people I love (I guess my summer just went along with the momentum of my senior year--a time in which I ended with a "high-off-of-life" feeling and full of love).

Many of you may have known how bitter I was about leaving Home and going down south to UCI. First off, I've never seen myself as a SoCal type of person--the sun, the beaches, the overall "superficiality" and vibe just didn't appeal to me. I've grown such a long and devoted attachment to my small town suburban predominantly white-based community--I owe everything I've been and everything I've grown into to the people, places, and things that have made up that town. But, sometimes, you need to share a little piece of yourself and your love and share it with others--others who aren't exactly living along the same terms as you, and others who aren't so familiar with your whereabouts and living standards.

Rest assured, my past two weeks here in Irvine have been absolutely wonderful. I can say with confidence that as each day passes, the more and more glad I am to be here. I couldn't think of a more appropriate college for me. UCI is one heck of an under-appreciated and often under-looked UC, but the statistics of this college rank so highly in terms of academics, and being one of the safest and "happiest" campuses in the nation just makes it more enjoyable. I've always been one to get along well with others, with my "politeness" and "compassionate heart" (thank you 8th grade award) making it easier for me to, in a way, "fit myself into the mold". Of course, I have always been my own person and "followed my own drum", but my goofiness and "adorableness" can be reflected into the people I meet everyday. It's comforting to have that link.

I think what I enjoy most about being here is the social aspect of dorming but having such great flexibility in retaining my own morals, values, and beliefs. With over thousands of campus-wide clubs and organizations, there is room for anyone to "find their fit". My classes haven't exactly picked up in workload yet, which makes me feel extra lazy, but my Humanities Core Course is supposedly rigorous (but at least learning about Philosophy is interesting!) and my Beatles & the 60s class is a life-saver (I've never known how much I could enjoy listening to oldies, picking out structures, learning about history and influences that make up any great band). It's great to open up to the two subject areas I love the most (writing and music), and have the comfort of being able to socialize with people similar to my own accord, and participate in clubs that bring back a piece of home for me (Kababayan--Filipino organization, and hopefully Open Jam--musician's club).

I guess, to cut this from getting too lengthy, UCI proved to be that one push I needed to leave a place I love so much and to integrate what I've known, loved, and been, into a somewhat foreign area. I must thank Patricia, who is a 3rd year here at UCI and went to high school with me, for bringing Home to me here and making me feel as comfortable and secure I need to be down here. It's refreshing to have a little piece of Home down here and have someone that not only makes you laugh like crazy, but knows you and your own background.

Don't be afraid to take the path a little more "extreme" and "off" from your natural habits--you can surprise yourself with how wonderful the new environment fits you. and so, I will leave with this note: "Hello, my name is Rachel Cauilan (not Dia Frampton). I write, I dance, and I play music. I only hope to make a testament of my life growing up, from all the people, places, things, and feelings I've known, and to give a little piece of myself, and my love, to you. I hope you enjoy."