Why does the world (literally) run in circles? Days and nights are caused by the world's rotation, and human existence itself runs in a constant cycle from birth to death to rebirth and reproduction and whatnot... And, to be even more precise, why do our minds always run in circles?
I'm no psychology major and nor do I even know of the workings and mechanics of the human brain, but I guess one could say my mind has been pretty loopy this past week. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've first started college with Week 2 of the 10-week quarter system just ending, and, in that inevitably needs to come a "road block" that brings you back Home. It brings you away from all the pure and innocent excitement for a new life with new people and faces, like the excitement you get from wearing a fancy new dress or trying on new shoes to walk and conquer the world in. I haven't exactly felt homesick just yet, but, thanks to Patricia (who has been so adamant on me applying and joining and trying all these different opportunities and experiences just because she has so much faith and belief in my talent and creativity!), I've been reminded of Home so much from her.
On Monday this past week, I attended my first "Open Mic". I don't think I've ever actually been to one, but it shone a tremendous amount of light on how much I've been lacking my creative edge for writing. It's definitely very overwhelming to see how much activity goes on in this campus; and to find myself placed in some small room with 50 or so other spoken word addicts seeking some sort of inspiration, renewal, or even just a form of purging of emotions, it reminded me of the love I haven't exactly been "paying my dues" for. It felt like a form of unrequited love, with me being the one to not give in the mutual effort (as always). Spoken word may not exactly be my forté or "style", but there's something very gratifying about this art to the point of leading me to be stuck in a solemn reverie for hours, retaining a somewhat "distant" attitude with my fellow peers and friends (a side of me that they haven't been able to see yet, due to my regular giggling, smiling, and overall optimistic state of mind). The feeling was more of a remorse. I'd a feeling I had let myself down from being that girl who was able to use her voice, her words, and her talents to speak to others too... Something I've always been so passionate and, in a way, too desirous to the point of being unhealthy of. I haven't been able to tend to that want so much with my mind constantly drifting off with "happiness" and "Kai-highs"--circles.
Persisting for a couple of days, I resorted back to my somewhat "recluse" nature just to be able to breathe a little more and regain my composure. I feel that that's one of the most important things people must do in college, personally because I could never let myself lose myself through all of this change. Not only would it break my heart, but it'd also bring a tremendous amount of failure for me. (But, please don't read my wrong my darlings--I don't coop myself up in my room all day; maybe for just a few hours :P) I find myself needing to take a little break from the constant socialization and interactions often, just to breathe. After all, even though I do thrive off of social interaction, I am a Pisces--and one darn reserved one at that--who gets her usual fish-out-of-water feeling from time to time. It would even lead to my friends jokingly saying, "I hardly see you anymore! You're always hanging out with the cooler friends now, huh? We're not 'cool enough'?!" Trust me, that's not the case, because I love you guys too much.
One thing I've really come to love about my hall is that, not only are we all so darn musically talented and constantly play instruments throughout the day and through the wee hours of the night, but our R.A. makes it such a loving and open environment that we constantly have hall bonding times. Wednesday was devoted to "Otero Game Night", which led us to really getting to know the lesser-known people in our hall we haven't been able to meet (66 in all). To prevent this from being longer than necessary, I got a little "Kai-high" and wanted to hug and trample everyone I've missed in the past couple of days, along with enjoying the company of these friendly people. Huge dinners, yummy desserts, too many jam sessions, random work-out exercises and Disney sing-a-longs, and maybe even some movie nights and Rock Band or Super Smash Bros. (it's good to show up the boys for a change :P)... It's nice to come "home" to this every day and night. Kaba Meetings and Events every week also remind me of what I've missed from Kariktan in my culture--my respect for my roots and where I've come from. Again, it's the circles.
But, what's in front of us can truly prove to be distracting, and, at the back of one's mind always lies the same deep desires, thoughts, wants, and longings. My need to write, my love to make music, and my interest in making film: how could I ever forget you? For you are always haunting me in the still of the night! Why do I always come back to you?
It's because You are Home to me. When I write, I begin to remember who I am again. I remember where I've come from, and why I've done this for 6+ years. You were the only way I could ever express myself, and where I was able to control and deliver my thoughts in a clear setting. When I make music, I'm able to emit the emotions I feel inside of me, for writing doesn't always allow that. Music let's me be--to be as corny as ever--and let's people see the real me rather than words written on some mindless screen. Film brings everything to life. The ability to hear words that have been written that connect some part of your heart and mind to a nerve in your spinal cord or the fluttering butterflies that lie in your tummy... It can amount to everything I am... Everything that Home has been to me, and will be, my time here at UCI.
Everything truly runs in circles, but where you are going with that circle... Where it rolls off to, and what debris or something nice that it picks up along the way, is always changing. Some people, faces, events, experiences, and feelings come and go... Some stay, as I've always said... Life runs in circles. and it's funny how through each and every event I go through, no matter how many changes may occur to its shape and form, that circle still has its "essence" and center that lies true to who You are. You come back around to it, remembering who You once were, and who You still are. You come back to what You've loved for so long, remembering those comforting faces. You remember old feelings... Why do we run in circles?
Progress. It requires some sort of accepting things from the past, taking some things with you, re-feeling old feelings to give you some backbone, and to remember why You are here in the first place. Never disregard or deny some feeling or event that happens to You. No matter how little it may seem at the moment, it serves a purpose. "Nothing's coincidence," and these recollections are no exception. Home is where the Heart is (as I've probably tired and made trite over the past months), and the circles You may run in or hide from let You re-feel that Home because, in essence, You are who You have always been, and will be. What goes around always comes back around, but You can decide everything that happens in that small moment that happens in-between. Life's circles... Treasure them. These moments are the epitome, and quintessential points, of You. Never lose sight of that, my dears! Never lose sight of You!
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