Looking through unanswered texts from my phone, all I see are things from different people saying, "Please call me when you have the time?" "Do you have time to webcam? For even just like 5 minutes? Even one minute is fine" "We just miss you" "I miss randomly seeing you in the halls and having lunches where we'd vent to each other!" "Your cookie made me cry so much."
It's been a full month since I first came here, and just before an hour ago I could've said with complete honesty that "I haven't felt homesick at all yet. It surprises me."
Man, was I too quick to say that... But, isn't it funny how the very thing that hits your heart and brings you right back home is your very own religion? I know I haven't been an adamant professor of my religion, morely because I've been so stubborn about it and have--in a way--despised religion. Ever since teenage angst hit me late freshman morely sophomore year, I've always found myself as more of a spiritual than religious person, finding the reasons people go to church as so in-genuine. People using church as an excuse for their faults? People going to it because they are "forced" to? I've always asked for the sincerity in the act, which is why I've only gone when I'm fully awake, fully present, and fully aware... Making that sacrifice and giving my time was important to me, but I hated going and seeing a body of such faithless people... But, who was I to even judge?
College has changed that idea for me. At the very beginning of the year, Patricia has tried her very hardest to make me feel completely at home and comfortable as I could be down here in Irvine. I've always been so used to giving myself to others that it felt so odd to have someone give so much attention to me... But, with time, I've grown to learn that that is just who she is. For those she loves, she takes care of them as much as she can (which is why I truly hope she finds someone who can take care of her in ways she would've never thought of!). She saved me from swarming sorority girls tempting my innocence, she introduced me to clubs and organizations that really help further myself as a person and what I care about--such as keeping my culture intact through the Filipino org, my creative juices through writing, and the music alive in my very own dorm. And, how could I ever forget my Faith. I've been attending a Catholic mass every Sunday here, which felt a bit odd since it doesn't exactly feel like the ones I've been used to for the 18 years of my very existence. Christ the King as the said "very best Catholic church in the nation" is hard to let go of, especially since I've been an adamant parishioner with my family since I was born. I grew up there, and I formed my own being there, and my family is still there... I hold such deep sentiments to it... Which is why mass brings back Home to me.
And so, by going to a few 6:30pm masses, a 12pm mass, and finally a 10am mass here, I've found the one that really makes me feel at Home. Being so far away from Home, away from the comfort of knowing the people and places who make up that small suburban community in the sunny East Bay Area, I need something for me to hold onto as a keepsake and reminder of Home. I've said countless times that Patricia has really brought that here for me--which I can never be thankful enough for--but the absolute beauty and symbolism through the Catholic faith has given me just exactly what I've needed. I've learned that my faith has become a part of me--it makes up my roots and my overall being. Without it, I'd be lost. And, halfway through an entire mass of reflection and pent-up feelings and connections to my Home through song and thought, it's not until "On Eagle's Wings"--the song that was played during my dad's funeral--until I finally breakdown.
Now, it was borne in the sky that I would grow up to be a person defeated by her sentimentality and longing for nostalgia, and I can't help but think so fondly of my past experiences and keep them close to heart. Nothing else would break my heart than forgetting who I've been and where I've come from, and how far I've gone since then... There's so much truth that can be found in the stars, which I'm sure is the reason why Ms. Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan was so fond of them.
But man, how that longing for my seemingly far-off dream will never fade... This period in my life that serves as a sort of "escape" from all I've ever known is only allowing me to grow closer to achieving that dream, and being all that I ever could have been... If only I allowed myself the chance to let that happen.
I feel that all of these choked up words are only His way of telling me how personal my Home is to me--that no matter how far I may go off, it will never leave me. It's a part of me.
And for those messages I've mentioned in the beginning, why is it the very moment I feel myself growing a close relation to someone, I still must keep my distance and "escape"... Even my dorm friends miss me... What am I so afraid of? What is it I'm hiding from? Or is it just the feeling that I yearn for something more?
If anything, I must remember that I've learned ACCEPTANCE this past year. All of the love shared and gained from Kairos... I need to Live the Fourth. Now. I've been in such good shape, full of life, happiness, and love... But something needs to bring you back down to help you fully realize where you are. It's easy to lose yourself in a foreign environment, but it's hard to forget where you've been, gone, and what you've felt... For that's the part of you that holds the most importance. That very past that may haunt you, and even make you feel so happy you wish you could re-live it all again, but, as its said... "You are the sum of your experiences." Don't forget that, darling.
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