Innocent Hearts

For the longest time, I can guarantee that I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, January was a tough month, but this particular familiar feeling hasn't been here since, I dare say, more than one year ago: the moment I broke down for the first time in public, at school, just a year ago near the beginning of my senior year; you three were the ones who came to me, hating to see me that way, taking me in to do everything in your power to see me smile again.

You know, it really breaks my heart to know that I can never have that kind of moment with you anymore. That genuine care for me that first initially led me to open up to such a dark period in my life. You--one who was such a role model to me, who once said to me, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you." You--who once was the one who became my new companion when one left. And You--who sold yourself to me as the one who would always watch out for me.

Ever since April, I have been in the happiest state of my life. I can say that with clear candor and confidence. From April on, I've been filled with so much love, hope, optimism, friendship, joy, and a pure enthusiasm for life... Something that was so foreign to me year after year. My 4-month long summer really did give me enough time to fully appreciate my Home and do (almost) everything I wished to do. But, not until recently, I can feel myself falling, just a bit. And it scares me. Because I hate regression.

A friend told me more than a month ago, "You know. I was afraid that after senior year and Kairos and everything, you would go back to your old self. But, you seem like you've been fine and having fun and you're still outgoing. That makes me happy."

I've always been the kind of person that would feel an extreme sense of failure when I would set myself up for something great, only to disappoint myself in the end. After Kairos and continuing to live my life with full momentum after senior year, I would've done anything to not lose that momentum. To not lose that progress, that optimism, that positivity, that happiness. I've put myself out there so much my senior year--both in the bad and the good--and it only came with a benefit. I could never put all of that energy, and all of my efforts, to waste. To settle for less.

I think with all of the love and appreciation of my "happiness" and "more outgoing state", I've felt more inclined to never disappoint again--to always be happy and remain "more outgoing" (though, I still can't help if I'm bashfully shy, Mr. Stranger). I still remember what a good friend of mine said to me as senior year was coming to a close: "How have you been Rachel? I feel like you've been a lot happier these days."

My push to retain that "happiness" almost feels like a mask. I know that after being a Kairos leader, I was a light to so many girls. So many girls looked up to me the moment I stood up there at that podium and laid my whole heart on the floor, inspiring their little minds. Being a Kairos "mommy" was the best experience I've had in my entire life, and it marked the period of my life where I felt fully in control of myself. They looked up to me and, every now and then, they will remember Kairos and remember I was just one of the leaders to help them on their journey to where they may be now. It's always been my problem to never want to disappoint... But rather, I find myself always disappointing myself. Because I aim so high, see great things for me, when I haven't even set my foot in the water...

I guess, what I'm trying to get out of this, is that it pains me to allow myself to feel this way. I've always told myself that if I feel a certain way, I should make the most of that feeling, for that feeling can make great Art. It's real. It's true. It's the heart. "Something you say just might be what somebody else needs to hear."

For once, I just need to let myself feel vulnerable, not afraid of my disappointing others or letting them down, or internalizing my feeling for failure or a sense of "regression"... These are the true matters of my heart. Share it, love it, but don't drown yourself in it. There's nothing to fear when you're in the hands of the ones you love. "Without suffering there would be no compassion."

Make your heart grow innocent again.

Heartbreaker

I can feel it when a guy wants something more from me.

Those instances when I can be found in a room spending a little of my extra time with you guys, and you hover around me just a little while longer in hopes your spirits will be uplifted from just being around me.

You call my attention by coming up from behind me as I'm sitting down and you run your hands down my arms as a "friendly gesture".

While both seated, you glance over at my distant state and reach your hand towards my head. You entwine your fingers in my hair and start to play with it.

The next time I'm seated on a couch, you decide to sit on my lap. As you all tumble over the couch, you sit beside me and notice I'm "falling off" and tell me to sit on your lap.

You grab my hand when my hands are cold, but you hold it longer, holding my hand in a long clasp under sheets as a couple would do.

I notice your quick glances, up and down, believe it or not. You stand in front of me in a room, then cradle me into a hug with you--out of the blue.

You wish to someway, somehow, spend more time around me. Speak a little more words with me. And envision what it would be like to be with me.

And this is why They call me a Heartbreaker.

Sweet Disposition

I believe I have been absolutely blessed to have ended up with You.

You know, rewinding to just one year ago, college seemed like some far-off idea that would never happen. College was the last thing on my mind, for I didn't have my heart set on any university and I just wanted to make the most of my Senior Year. It amazes me at how much I've grown in just those 5 months from November to April--I've seen myself in so many different lights that it both haunts me but makes me so darn proud at the same time. I was so shy, insecure, and reluctant to open up about my dreams and passions then--the things that mean the most to me--and to have had such a great group of girls who walked me through my transformation of opening up and being the quirky, thoughtful, and adorable "Sassafrass" I know I am really couldn't have made the end of my Senior Year, and life at Carondelet, anymore sweeter.

I'm blessed to have had such little knowledge of where to go because He, in the end, led me to the right direction. My brother going to USF and sucking all my private school money and the other going to SJSU, leading me to believe I can aim for a greater college, led me on the UC-route. Cal, you ended up too prestigious for me, and Santa Cruz, you remain too outdoorsy for me. Irvine being the only college my friends didn't get accepted into and also having such a great English program gave me enough reason to be a fool to deny going here. And, little did I know, Irvine would bring me so much of my Home and cater to my own personal needs, all the same, in a foreign place.

The people here are absolutely wonderful. Yes, there are many asians on campus, but there is so much diversity around here that lets you find the right place for you. The people are absolutely friendly and, being one of the "happiest" campuses in the nation and a highly selective school, people are willing to care for each other. It's nice to have that effort of communal bonding in the dorms. The campus is also so reminiscent of De La Salle and Carondelet--the "rich white suburbia" stereotype reigns true to its buildings and campus. Irvine is too beautiful of a campus compared to surrounding schools and I can never get over it. The city itself is too much of a "safe escape" and, just like Disneyland, they would do anything to keep the "happiness" and "safety" of the city alive. Getting rid of hobos or street-wanderers? They are nowhere to be seen. I love having the ability to run around like free-spirited children at midnight or across lawns and parks and having no one judging or threatening me. I feel safe. And happy.

I think what I love most about UC Irvine is its amazing Arts community. Living in Mesa Court in the music hall, it's so comforting to have such great talents surrounding me every day--drama majors, theater majors, film majors, studio art majors, voice majors, music majors, and dance majors... You can never get enough of the people you see and meet here. Irvine's theater, concert, and show communities are absolutely beautiful, and having such a wide expanse of artistic talent allows me to cater to my inspiration any day. I've been learning so much on the guitar lately (I'm solo-ing now, what?!), and I've been slowing opening up about singing; writing is something that is being catered to as well... Living in a largely engineering, bio, and research-based college, it's so comforting to know there is a huge mass of artistic talent here. It gives me more confidence to actually pursue what I actually want to do... And it's an amazing thing how much you can learn from these other people.

My living situation is equally wonderful. My international roommate and I are both relatively quiet people which makes our room a good environment. She tends to go off at night and away the entire day so I have the room to myself a lot of the time--you have no idea how thankful I am for this, because I feel that every second of the rest of the day, I am constantly mingling and being distracted by my hallmates! I always feel the need to plug back in and rejuvenate, which is why my room is such a sweet escape... It's wonderful to constantly be doing things and still have the time to tend to my own needs (it could be that I've been given so much free time because of my relaxed schedule this quarter). Nonetheless, I've been eating well and soft-serve ice cream never ceases to please.

It's so strange to think that this upcoming week will already be Week 7 of 10. It will be so refreshing to be back Home, knowing it's the place I've grown up my entire life and that's shaped me into the person I am today. Going back Home kind of scares me a bit to be honest, just because I don't know what to expect or how it will feel (I know how weird and "empty" people feel when they return Home). But, I know I can never be bitter towards it. I know my life now belongs here in Irvine because this is where I'm living now, and where everything in my life is happening. Being away from Home has allowed me to grow in a place I can completely feel free to be me. It allows me to become aware of the things that I truly value in my life, and the people, places, and things that mean the most to me. The sentiments I hold onto stay true to my character; what I am here in college is who I am, period, at this point in my life. Learning more about myself? It's more like learning more about what I can do for myself.

There will be a time for Us, but right now, this is where I am. To have always lived a life finding where I belong, searching for my right footing and the things to hold onto, answering others needs, and never speaking up for what I want... This is the time I can actually feed myself some love, too. It's a sweet disposition.

How did you ever become friends with this girl?

It's no surprise. "How did you ever become friends with this girl?" I feel that throughout the past 6 years--middle school, high school, and beyond--some of the most profound relationships I have made to date have been based on that simple question. I can even say that my most precious and dear friendships have been based on the comment, "You two are so different."

Let me start from the beginning. Seventh grade. A crazy, loud, outgoing, and "in-your-face" girl just a year older than me wanted to befriend the shy, quiet, and soft-spoken seventh-grade me. She's tried since I was in the sixth grade to get me to open up to her, and when she got asked an offer to join the Kariktan Dance Company, she thought, "Well, this is a good chance to get to know her!" From that point on, I formed my first friendship that really clicked. She called me Little One and I called her Ate. There was an immense sense of understanding between us--we just knew where each other was coming from, as she would dump her thoughts and feelings about the events happening in her life on me. I'd share what little words of wisdom I could, and--frighteningly--I seemed to have a great wealth of wisdom at a young age--and my elder friends could see that. People would see this annoying, loud, and inappropriate girl on the outside spending too much time with the quiet, sweet, and innocent bystander, thinking she would "corrupt" me. Nobody knew or understood our friendship... Or even how strongly I resisted the influences. All they could see was that we enjoyed each others company too much.

Two years later, I find myself as a lonely and shy freshman sitting in a high school classroom full of upperclassmen sophomores, not knowing anybody. A girl behind me constantly nags me throughout the next few days, and weeks... "I really want to get this girl to talk!" If it weren't for her efforts in getting me to open up, I don't think we could've ever made such a great friendship so early on. Next thing you know, our goofy tendencies combined to the max and I find myself laughing as if there was no tomorrow--on the daily. Our fail attempt to become old ladies one Halloween leads us to calling each other Doris and Dolores--the Reese's ladies. But, inside of our goofy tendencies and random outbursts of laughter, we shared a common outlook. It became so easy for us to understand the other and sympathize with each other... I could never forget the one night our friendship strengthened and grew tremendously. My junior prom, as her eyes were watering, she was telling me, "You are one of the nicest girls in the world and he doesn't even know what he's doing. This is your prom and you deserve to be enjoying yourself. You don't deserve this." She saved my life that night.

Early in my freshman year, I met this wonderful girl who I thought was one darn gangster and "hypebeast"--something that was so opposite me. Somehow, we ended up finding each other in the same circle of friends, and we constantly were around each other. As our freshman years progressed, so did our friendship. Of course, that "gangster/hypebeast" prejudgment I had about her soon faded away, as I realized she was a girl of great faith, just as me. She had a secret passion for music as well, as she recalls our first conversation as being, "Oh, you're a Meg & Dia fan? Do you know the song 'Cardigan Weather'?" It was easy to see that she was outgoing and friendly and knew what she wanted to do, and, as we both grew over the years--together--we soon found ourselves calling each other Best Friend, because we really were. Although she was more outgoing, sure-of-herself, assertive, and a confident fashionista, it didn't seem to prevent a friendship with the quiet and reserved closet writer and musician from growing. But, we shared so many parallels in our lives. We thought on the same pages all the time--with great depth and creativity. We let each other know what the other knew already, in words. We shared an internal bond that wasn't entirely seen outside, with our strengths and weaknesses seeming to balance each other out so well--for, we brought the best out in each other. It wasn't until our senior year where we separated ourselves, for once, at our November Kairos. It wasn't until that moment in my life when I fully began to appreciate our friendship and become aware of all the love in my life, and all the potential she's seen in me that I didn't see in myself. And, whether we realized it or not, we've been, seen, and learned so much through and from each other that has amounted to our friendship today. We have always been the girls who were admired from afar, looked up to and taken care of, and put on such high pedestals whose humility beat ourselves up. And, the moment we found each other, we realized just how irreplaceable our friendship can be. "Today, I spent my Halloween with Rachel. Keep this girl close by to you." The term history may have grown trite over the years, but it's a wonderful thing what history can do and bring to a friendship. With it, comes familiarity and something that nobody can take away from you. There is a reason why we call each other Best Friend, and how we've never used that term lightly ever before.

Just a year later, forwarding to today, I find myself having left Home, packing all my bags of everything I've known, loved, experienced, and have been throughout all of my life, only to have brought them to someplace elsewhere, new, and foreign. But, with time, I soon realize just how familiar this place is. I realize how much at Home I can feel here. I reunite with the girl who so-called had a somewhat bad rep growing up as a crazy and loud girl--but I never saw that. I saw a true thinker that I saw in the past three aforementioned friendships. Just a year before having reunited, I found myself as being the first one whom she was able to perform a catharsis--a purging of all of her pent-up emotions on me after a painful occurrence as a form of release and cleansing. And man, was that one big night. To this day, I cannot be grateful for how much she's given me in the small amount of time we've already been given--and it's just the beginning. I can finally call myself Biking Rachel with her own theme song to bring me up during the times I may feel down, upset, or have low self-esteem and confidence in myself. People see this girl running around like a wild-child, talking as if on top of a mountain, caressing other people's bodies invading their so-called "privacies" and breaking boys' hearts because they are too enamoured by her simple being. Living in a world and life where nobody really understands or sees her for who she is--simply living by the naive notion that she is inappropriate and "dirty"--she is hardly ever given credit where credit is due. But, she is my Pink Unicorn--she may be different, unique, and a "novel" character, but there is a reason she is that. As she brings out the confidence, craziness, and outgoing-self I know is in me, I serve as that little reminder that she is special, and that she can change lives--that her life can amount to so much more. She is one who is full of so much love and only deserves to be loved back the same, if not, more.

I think there is something common among all of these special friendships I've made throughout the years. These are the very friendships that I've become most fond of, because they were the ones that just clicked and made sense. Even though it is written in the stars that our signs would make great friendships (the zodiac seems to have become a part of my religion), there is something more to be said. In each and every one of these friendships, it was too easy for anyone to "judge the book by its cover". There were the obvious similarities: I was always the pure, sweet, soft-spoken, reserved, head-in-clouds and very dream-driven girl who had her morals, beliefs and values (maybe to the point of being too stubborn), and relied on the arts of writing, dance, and music for expression; they were always the more confident, outgoing, social, and assertive girls who had a reason for why they were the way they are. They may all have come from troubled homes or backgrounds, and I was just a girl who seemed to have nothing wrong. I didn't come from a broken home or faced bad relationships--my biggest enemy was probably only myself. Having grown up with no father could have played a part in it as well, but having two older brothers have made me feel as if it couldn't have been any other way.

I think, in a way, they all saw a light in me. And, with seeing that positive light, it helped me to become a better me, and for them to become a better person themselves. That is why our friendships worked so well together. With seeing that light in me, I had more belief in myself to purely be me. I gave them all I could have ever given them--my utmost compassion, sincerity, honesty, and friendship. With my awkward and goofy tendencies, it was easy to laugh, but trust was also developed in my wide expanse and "sea of knowledge" that was safe.

Whether it be seeing something in each other we wanted to be more of, finding those key differences that made us a better person, or simply being a friend whom the other could take refuge in, these are the friendships you would be silly to ask, "How did you two ever become friends?" I think there's something to be learned from this, and from my own tendencies and patterns to making a new, true friend. Of course, there will always be the love and trust that makes up a good friendship, but I feel there also is the want to become a better person through it. A friend may be able to be there for you and support you, but what makes an even better friend is one in which you are able to grow from--in which you are able to become a better person, because you learn so much from the other. I feel that that is why these friendships have always been so dear to me. They have become so substantial and staple to my growth as a growing individual, finding my place and footing in this one darn ugly world. But, with friends like these, it turns out to be such a beautiful place, in which love given, is love received.

"I figured that anyone who's friends with you is a good person. Deep down."