For the longest time, I can guarantee that I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, January was a tough month, but this particular familiar feeling hasn't been here since, I dare say, more than one year ago: the moment I broke down for the first time in public, at school, just a year ago near the beginning of my senior year; you three were the ones who came to me, hating to see me that way, taking me in to do everything in your power to see me smile again.
You know, it really breaks my heart to know that I can never have that kind of moment with you anymore. That genuine care for me that first initially led me to open up to such a dark period in my life. You--one who was such a role model to me, who once said to me, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you." You--who once was the one who became my new companion when one left. And You--who sold yourself to me as the one who would always watch out for me.
Ever since April, I have been in the happiest state of my life. I can say that with clear candor and confidence. From April on, I've been filled with so much love, hope, optimism, friendship, joy, and a pure enthusiasm for life... Something that was so foreign to me year after year. My 4-month long summer really did give me enough time to fully appreciate my Home and do (almost) everything I wished to do. But, not until recently, I can feel myself falling, just a bit. And it scares me. Because I hate regression.
A friend told me more than a month ago, "You know. I was afraid that after senior year and Kairos and everything, you would go back to your old self. But, you seem like you've been fine and having fun and you're still outgoing. That makes me happy."
I've always been the kind of person that would feel an extreme sense of failure when I would set myself up for something great, only to disappoint myself in the end. After Kairos and continuing to live my life with full momentum after senior year, I would've done anything to not lose that momentum. To not lose that progress, that optimism, that positivity, that happiness. I've put myself out there so much my senior year--both in the bad and the good--and it only came with a benefit. I could never put all of that energy, and all of my efforts, to waste. To settle for less.
I think with all of the love and appreciation of my "happiness" and "more outgoing state", I've felt more inclined to never disappoint again--to always be happy and remain "more outgoing" (though, I still can't help if I'm bashfully shy, Mr. Stranger). I still remember what a good friend of mine said to me as senior year was coming to a close: "How have you been Rachel? I feel like you've been a lot happier these days."
My push to retain that "happiness" almost feels like a mask. I know that after being a Kairos leader, I was a light to so many girls. So many girls looked up to me the moment I stood up there at that podium and laid my whole heart on the floor, inspiring their little minds. Being a Kairos "mommy" was the best experience I've had in my entire life, and it marked the period of my life where I felt fully in control of myself. They looked up to me and, every now and then, they will remember Kairos and remember I was just one of the leaders to help them on their journey to where they may be now. It's always been my problem to never want to disappoint... But rather, I find myself always disappointing myself. Because I aim so high, see great things for me, when I haven't even set my foot in the water...
I guess, what I'm trying to get out of this, is that it pains me to allow myself to feel this way. I've always told myself that if I feel a certain way, I should make the most of that feeling, for that feeling can make great Art. It's real. It's true. It's the heart. "Something you say just might be what somebody else needs to hear."
For once, I just need to let myself feel vulnerable, not afraid of my disappointing others or letting them down, or internalizing my feeling for failure or a sense of "regression"... These are the true matters of my heart. Share it, love it, but don't drown yourself in it. There's nothing to fear when you're in the hands of the ones you love. "Without suffering there would be no compassion."
Make your heart grow innocent again.
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