Art + Dreams

Tonight, I realized something...

It may be hard for a lot of people to wrap their minds around the fact that I do show such a particular interest in music--that I play guitar (as people say) very well, and that I write (I'd say) pretty decently--but don't sing, or even publish any of my own original songs, in public.

It's not that I'm terrible. If I were terrible, I'm sure I would "throw the towel in" and not have kept up with it for 5 years now.

It's not that I'm shy. If I were shy, I wouldn't be so outspoken about my fondness for music and profess my interests so much.

It's not that I'm proud. If I were proud, I wouldn't be so eager to learn from those around me.

Rather, I've found that it's just that I haven't grown the confidence, nor the comfort, in it. You know, the thought of dropping school altogether and really really pursuing a career in music by devoting all of my time to grow as an artist hasn't been too far off my mind... In fact, it crosses my mind a bit too much that I find myself telling myself, "No. No. You don't need a music major. You've asked countless music majors here. You should just keep on with your English and do your screenwriting. You're fine."

I find myself still wanting to do more... Sure, I want to pursue a career in writing and making films and songs and the such, but... I'm still young, right? Doesn't that mean I should do what I want to do now as a young person? The rest of my life can be devoted to writing, but my music is most important to me right now.

But so is not wasting my mother's hard-earned money. So is not risking it with the fear of failure. I came here to write and make music-- and whatever college degree can give me that, I'll be happy. But, those are all freelance jobs. What now?

Fear has always been one of my biggest enemies. To reduce that fear, I surround myself with everything I love, and bask in others' success in what I love. Great musicians, great screenwriters and authors... Why do I treasure and adore them so much? I think that doesn't even need to be answered... They fill up the spaces in my life I wish I had. Don't they all?

If I thought I were terrible at my Art, I'm sure I wouldn't be so persistent and heavy-handed on pursuing something with it... The fact that my elders and teachers have given me such great praise with my writing and my guitar-playing over the years have only given me confidence that I do have potential. And my job now is to only further that potential. I know I have the potential, and I know I can sing (maybe not comfortably), and I know I can make songs (not as well as I'd like), but getting to where I want to get is going to take a lot of work. I'm too much of a perfectionist and it's hard for me to settle for less. But, sometimes, I just need to face the fact that I still have a lot of progress to do, and it's OK.

While I'm here, I'm distracted with the things that keep me away from doing the dirty work. Rather, I'm frolicking through the daisies, getting-by with my confusion, with my mind truly elsewhere... This isn't where I want to be, but I hope this will lead me to where I want to be.