"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
- Yoda 

I met up with an old friend yesterday. He came by in response to a letter I wrote to him just a week ago, in hopes of resolving all of the unresolved tensions and confusions that have ensued in our senior year and the summer following. I haven't spoken to him in ages, but I suppose something resonated. To have had this moment where, for once, we finally shared a mutual understanding of where the other stood in terms of our friendship and our disclosed past, brought light to where we, as individuals, were headed.

Throughout the past year, I've learned a lot about love, life, past relationships, internal conflicts, and insecurities bothering those of others and myself. I have a lot of people to thank for that, which has made the year 2011 such a defining and the most heart-warming year of them all for me. I was genuinely my happiest, with all the love in my heart, an enthusiasm for what's to come, and an unbeatable sense of contentedness and belief in myself.

To have someone in my life who has seen and witnessed all of that, even if he/she wasn't entirely involved in my transformation, is a beautiful thing. All I can ever be is thankful for it.

As we strolled through Aldrich Park, I could gauge there was a sense of uneasiness in his demeanor. Perhaps he's thought long and hard about what to do and what to say, while I was just here for him: to help him find closure in Us. The warmness of the air was comforting, and the light breeze made the day absolutely perfect. It's been awhile since I've seen a beautiful day down here. As we found a bench to sit on, I've never seen Aldrich Park look any more beautiful. It kind of reminds me of the scene in (500) Days of Summer where Tom and Summer shared a moment on the bench overlooking the city. But, beside the fact, he found that there was never any wrong in any of our doings within the past year. He said I was too sweet of a girl to have done any wrong to him, and we were just a pair of confused teenagers not sure what we were looking for in each other. But, we found that our mutual care and respect for the other was what kept us, somehow, meeting again on that very day on a late afternoon in January.

I cannot gauge what will ever happen to Us. Perhaps only time can tell, but God will make happen what will happen. After all, I've found faith in what He has me think and feel. There's no coincidence in it.

For all you living in fear of what will happen to any relationship--romantic or not--and whether your heart or efforts are in it more than the other, I think it's most important to remember that the ones who are supposed to stay will stay. From my experience, I've seen people come and go, and friendships fading away all the time. I've been blessed with a handful of family and friends who have stuck with me; but, what has made it easiest for me to continue on with my life is my manner of never growing an absolute dependence and attachment to them. To refer back to Mr. Yoda above (I first watched it just this past winter break!), he once said, "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side... Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is... Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Having complete faith in what people have to offer you, but not expecting more to come, is something that makes appreciating relationships that much easier. The light side all depends on you.

Don’t you sometimes find it sad how school can really limit you from working on the more important and rather beneficial things in your life? The things you love?

I’ve written a bunch of incomplete songs in the past weeks and months, and learned a handful of new songs I’d love to cover. I’ve got great video ideas in my mind, but it’s just a matter of finding the time to do it all, with my scheduling of classes, events, and other school-related things restricting me.

I don’t want this musical zest to go away!

To note, here are a few of the songs I plan to cover sometime soon:

1. Shy That Way - Tristan Prettyman/Jason Mraz
2. Something - The Beatles
3. Postcards From Italy - Beirut
4. Belle - Jack Johnson
5. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Where has my connection to the musical world of cyberspace gone?!

A Humble Abode

I've been going through a lot of self-reflection lately, and I guess that's what the season does to you. When you've got a tad homesickness + real sickness + thoughts about life in the long run kicking in, moments like these are bound to happen.

It's easier said than done, and I find myself throwing phrases like this all around the year at different times and phases of life, but: Remind yourself to slow down and relax.

I think growing up in such a slow-paced suburban "smell the roses" kind-of-town where everybody grew up on family and Catholicism, it was easy for a wide-eyed girl like me to dream of what it would be like to get out there into the world and really make a difference. It didn't help that I first started blogging 7 years ago (with my brothers and few older friends taking notice of my talent), that I wanted to be a songwriter in the 3rd grade, and that I even ventured into looking into film cameos and the like by my sophomore year. I guess I felt my life always served a bigger purpose, and the more and more I keenly looked into the lives of my friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn't just an ordinary girl like the ones I saw around me. I was a thinker, exploring different mental capacities and ideas, as inspired from my first profound influence--J.E.M.--in my life. I was a dreamer, always trying to make a name for herself in the small community I found myself in, as can be found through my writing and musical pursuits. I was a Romantic, both in its artful aestheticism and in its lovey-dovey-ness, as seen through my interest in culture and the individual. As a thinker, a dreamer, and a Romantic, I yearned to make a name for myself through Art. Because, as it were, I found myself to have a talent in it: dance found me in the 6th grade, and I've grown into a full-fledged performing artist; writing found me in grade school, but was finally tapped into as my sophomore English teacher really pushed me to further my talents; music found me when I nagged my brother for his guitar and signed up for lessons with a teacher who constantly said, "I've taught a lot of students over the years, but no one has picked it up quite as quickly as you."

Some have said I've always been a "humble ship". That I tend to float around, happy as a bumble bee, enjoying the company of a family who loves her, friends who care for her, and a people who both learn and grow from her. I was never one who found the need, just yet, to settle down with someone, for I had my own dreams I wished to pursue and other things in mind. I always sought a peaceful lifestyle in which I could grow from that girl who always sat in the back of the classroom and didn't talk much, but who always seemed to be smiling to whoever caught her eye. There was an innocence. There was a deepness. And there was a pure presence in the moment of the dream.

I've always wanted to get out there, but, somehow, something deep inside me is telling me that I can find pure comfort in getting there, but not in the way I had at first imagined. Perhaps a quieter approach to it, as my modesty has always been written on, and my subtlety in nature has always provided; a "background" approach, in which I can still change, challenge, and inspire minds that allow me to live the simple life I wish to live, as I've grown up on, but also the "crazier", out-of-the-ordinary side of life I've always sought; a place somewhere in-between, for the experiences in my life that have meant the most to me remind me of the exact pleasure I can have from being me and utilizing my talents in a community garnered toward a more intimate kind of audience. A more intimate kind of success--more personal, more sincere, and true to who I am.

I may just rambling right now (this time of the year tends to do that to me), but, I must never forget what my talents have brought me. Yes, impatience in achieving an ideal sense of progress is bound to happen, but, I have to learn to stop being so steadfast. I can't control the ways of the world, but I can control how I utilize my talents right now. To live, to love, to be a good person... Don't get too wrapped up into your own issues too much. There's a whole of a hell of a lot better world out there waiting for you. Take time to stop and smell the roses, and if it takes two to tango, you better learn to tango! "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself... Like this, journey never ends... Like you were sent to me [for a reason]..." You live and get by, but make it worthwhile. Know in your heart that this is what you love to do.

At the end of the day (with a tired eye and note to self)

Sometimes, it takes the small friendly encounters, the brief moments with loved ones, and the slaps-in-the-face that make you feel so entirely grateful.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seemed to "fit"? Where everything, at first, seemed so minor and insignificant, but, at the end of the day, you find yourself smiling and feeling plain good about yourself? I think it always takes me a few days and moments with people to finally settle in and feel comfortable with where I am--finding the cures to kill homesickness. At times, I just feel so darn naïve when I find myself complaining about things I admit to myself. Who wouldn't, right?

I've found in myself that when I have a little "hope" to uphold in myself--some minor goal or thing to look forward to--it tends to become easier to get through the rubble (or "weed through the rubble" as Meg Frampton would say). My life, as I see it now, has always been based off of Opportunity. And, when I open myself up to as many opportunities I can, I am able to pick-and-choose (sometimes willingly and unwillingly) the ones which most coincide with what I want to accomplish--my life goals. Who'da'thunk a shy young girl like me would ever be transformed into some elegant soloist and performing artist at such a ripe young age? Who'da'thunk I'd ever have the guts to bear my life and soul in front of girls I've barely had the chance to know? I find these moments my most defining, and most fulfilling opportunities I've had throughout my life. It's all about the element of surprising yourself with what you're actually capable of, and having a "Wow" moment with yourself. Too many times, I find myself living on others hand-and-foot just because of my innate tendency to empathize with people and to retain that "good, gentle, and humble" spirit. I too often see the good in people (which may have its downfalls) that it becomes easy for me to constantly please. But, it's these moments where I take a step back and totally own myself, and take control of what I want to do, that I feel most fulfilled. Of course you've always gotta have that balance, and too much satisfaction is a life incomplete... But, I guess what scares me is when I don't really have a control over where my life goals are headed. Where I don't really know if they are headed anywhere, and I feel as if I'm living in "repeated motion", as I said in my last blog... (and, truth, we can never control aspects of our lives which are out of our control). As an idealist, I've always been out for self-improvement. As a human-being, I've always been out for a sense of peace and contentment within myself. But, with the two, you can never have both. Balance is key. My stars are written in Harmony, and that's what I ought to find in myself.

Long story short, it's the moments that bring you back Home to what you've known and loved the most: the small friendly encounters with like-minded people that remind you of what you've grown up on, and where you were from; the brief moments with loved ones that remind you of just how much love you have in your life; and the slaps-in-the-face that remind you that the little things that bother you today become so minor later on, for there's such a bigger world outside of you right now. Best you can do now is try as hard as you can to have a grasp on where you are headed in life, and continually try to bring yourself closer to that. Of course, some things may forever be unknown, but, as long as you are able to find your ground again, stepping your feet into the water and no longer feeling like a "fish out of water", you'll be Ok. Just take a long breath, pause, and look yourself in the mirror. Remember why it is you are where you are, and what you can do to make the most of what you have now. Think of what you have: not what you have not.

Artists are Introverts

This morning, I woke up to the sound of my roommate bustling around the room as she got ready for her class. I lied in bed, my eyes feeling strangely light as my normal tiredness wasn't wearing me down. I still had another 2 or so hours until my alarm was supposed to ring, but I remained motionless. I felt no need to go back to sleep and had no energy to get out of bed. I just lied there. Motionless. Emotionless. Nothing running through my head. Just still.

As I left Saturday morning with my brother and my mom to catch my noon flight, I kept telling myself, "Hold yourself together Rachel. You were a wreck last time you left home. You're not gonna break down now. Not now." It almost makes me laugh how sentimental I get. Have you ever heard of sentimentality being a disease? I remember as senior year was coming to a close, Ms. Strandberg--my Kairos 43 team leader--asked me how I was feeling about the end of the year coming. I told her that I wasn't ready to leave and wouldn't know what to do after graduation. She replied, "Do you get really sentimental? ... I was like that too. Just enjoy every last moment."

As the flight attendant greeted me with a warm hello, I smiled at her and said hello back. As I searched for a seat, I clumsily stuffed my big bulky guitar in the overhead carry-on (awkwardly, having some trouble) and was no longer enthused to continue a conversation with this elder man reading a book to my left, and a fellow UCI student to my right. I took out Faust--the book I was supposed to read for Winter Reading--and got a good long hour of reading. I think it's good to note that one thing I've always disliked was disclosing oneself off from the world in a social setting (i.e. listening to music while walking around campus, reading or writing in front of other people--this whole thing about setting yourself apart from people rather than wholly being there in the present).

I think the longer and longer I am here, the more and more impatient I've become. I'm losing motivation, and it scares me. Have you ever heard the saying that "all artists are introverts"? Now, I usually keep my spirits up by surrounding myself with lovely people. I've said before that I "thrive off of social connection", and it's true--nothing's more terrifying than loneliness. Lately, I've been finding it hard to keep up interactions. My head begins to throb and I feel as if people are sucking the life out of me. It sounds terribly depressing to say, but I can tell you I haven't had this feeling since I was a junior in high school. I don't want to say I'm regressing just yet, because it scares me, but I feel myself losing myself a little. It's almost like I constantly feel the need to escape and resort back to my room with a nice journal and music playing in the background. But as I am doing that right now, it hurts me. The music hurts me. It haunts me. Because at this very moment, I know that that is what I want to be doing. That that is what I should be doing. But, instead, I'm here. Lying still. Motionless. Ejecting ideas out of my head in hopes something can be made of it.

I look to my wall on my right and I stare at posters and passages of what people have said about me. From Kairos affirmations before and after leading Kairos, to notes from anonymous people praising and loving who I've become, and a note from a loved one reminding me how much love I can be capable of giving and receiving... I see all the highs from my senior year of good times with my best friend, old friends, Kairos-mates, family, and Kariktan... The "high" times that I've been feeling a bit deprived from. But, when I look at that wall I'm reminded of what I've learned from all of that. That that Love is always there. Feelings, moments, and experiences like that never go away: you can relive those moments, just not in the same scenarios. I once was like that at a moment in my life, and I can have that same familial feeling of Happiness. I can't keep feeling tired and uninspired for too long: it's all just a passing phase-- But, is it just a phase if these ideas constantly haunt me from time to time? The same things, just felt at different degrees, levels, and times? Sometimes, it's as if it were a voice passing with the wind, and other times it feels like a waterfall pouring out of my body. But, it's still that same thing that I've always wanted and needed. My disturbed soul is coming to the forefront again-- I'm acknowledging all of my insecurities, doubts, and disturbances all at the same time. It's healthy to some degree, but unhealthy when it causes me to feel as if life is being sucked out of me, and things that used to make me happy just don't seem to feel the same.

My second quarter. My best friend told me how she went through her second quarter fairly rough. Seeing to it as that we always seem to be living our lives in parallel, I've a feeling mine will turn out to be fairly similar. This will be a long quarter. I already know it.

~

The more and more I analyze these works of art, the more and more I feel as if "I've done this already" and I'm living my life in "repeated motion". I guess I've grown tired of it. I've always been a drifting soul-- someone who always wanted more than what she had, which, in turn, has caused me to take some things for granted. Albeit, I've work to do in myself, but I'm one of those people who will never be okay with settling with something else rather than her passion. Her art. I'm one of those people who need it to breathe, and everything else just seems to be a distraction. I need to feel secure in that I am working towards something I will be happy about--of worth. As much as I am thrown, showered in, and given all the love and care in the world, I become nothing without my Art. I need to feel as if I'm constantly growing and improving. That my life lives a purpose. And for one who has always been so focused on creating healthy atmospheres with friends with no conflict whatsoever, and making sure they feel the love they need to feel when they need it, it's all gone in the past days.

~

In a place where everyone becomes a Nobody and you feel no less significant, the artist suffocates. That is why the artist is the introvert: It's all in the head. I've always believed all of the best art is felt.

These moments remind me that I'm alive. Why I'm alive. It brings me back to the beginning and root of my existence: "Without suffering there would be no compassion."

The Road

I’ve always believed
There is one road we are all destined to take.
We are to color it with the pains and joys we’ve had
And tune it to the skills and abilities we’ve acquired
To make the most profound mark on the road as we converge our way into others.
We take some things and leave others, in accordance to the ways the world around us has shaped us.
We create and destroy the things that have both hurt us and given us the most familial feeling of pleasure we’ve known.
Messages from the sky will cast down their prayers on us
As passerbys come to take them,
But the essence of that one road will be written in Your name.
Plantation and vegetation will arise the moments you diverge from that road,
And new fruits of knowledge and experience are found,
As it is colored with the scars you’ve bled, the water you’ve shed, and the love you’ve spread.
It's a wonder to see all your beauty in the breakdown,
For when you are most out of line with your road,
You create the space given to sentimental values and feelings from the past that put you in a state of nostalgia,
Of longing for that one road you’ve grown so used to
For it was that best friend you never had,
That love you may have taken for granted,
Or that dream you cheated yourself on.
And when you come back to that one road
You are met with the overwhelming love of the Father you never had,
The saving peace of the Home you’ve always wanted to find,
And the Happiness your very name has always been written on, granted, and deserved.
A place of harmony that provides more than the Seven Wonders of the World could ever provide,
The road is the heart. Your heart.
And my heart belongs on the Road.