~

I'm so scared.

I can't even contain myself anymore. I can't handle myself like this. This hasn't happened before... Not like this.

~

I've reached a breaking point. I don't know if it's just the lack of sleep I've been getting that has been making all of these thoughts and emotions amplified in my mind, but if it's the sole reason for my head to feel like it's forever throbbing, my eyes to puff up reminiscent of a year ago, and my choked up throat and pit in my chest to serve as a cry for an answer... Then please God bless a good night's sleep.

I've shed myself in front of people before. I often take pride in it. And with it came answers. Love. Harmony. Peace of mind. Unity.

But this battle I've been fighting with... It doesn't feel like it'd have an answer. It doesn't feel as if anything would be resolved if I were to shed myself in front of these new people. I'd be able to "weed through the rubble" as Meg would say, but I'd be back to square one again, in the end.

With time and age, I've realized that I've been battling this battle for so many years now. Except now, it's become largely apparent in my mind. In my heart. And in my damn eyes. Like a damn slap in the face. And I have to do something about it.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life in which I am not doing what I want to be doing. I've been walking on this campus for a long time now, and I always get a choked up feeling. My lips are pressed tightly as my heart paces to keep a straight face. I catch moments where my gaping eyes begin to water and I hurriedly search for something to busy myself with. To keep my mind off it. Monsters have constantly been jabbing themselves into my head, and it almost feels impossible to overcome. What am I even doing here? Am I wasting my time? I should be somewhere else right now. I'm not getting any younger. The world isn't waiting for me. Everything's happening right now... The world feels like it's "tied in a noose around [my] neck".

As the year has been progressing, I've been questioning what the heck my major is, set in stone. Just to be sure. (But for God's sake, everyone knows Pisces are incurably indecisive... I'm no different.) I think, What is it I want to accomplish here? What path am I going to take here? It seems like I'm constantly running out of time and I have to decide on a path already--to be sure I'm headed on the right track and not wasting any of my mom's preciously earned money. But, when I do realize what I want to do, I don't even think a shiny damn gold degree will do anything. What will it do for me? Doesn't it matter who I am and what I've done.... rather than having some certified degree? I understand why it's important to have a degree--to make it easier for people to know what you do. To have a list of accomplishments. But the thing is: A degree would be nothing to me. It wouldn't get me anywhere--at least, for what I want to be doing. It's been getting harder and harder to push through these classes... These damn pointless classes, That really do nothing for me except reinforce the fact that I really really really really want to get out already, and really pursue what it is I want. It's been getting so difficult to handle... I can't even compose myself. I can't bring myself to eat. My sleeping schedule is all out of whack. My language is choking up. My interactions... I attempt to smile at people and make eye contact... Make conversation... like I used to do... but I can't even bring myself to do it anymore. That's what makes it so scary. I can feel myself losing myself in this... and it just amplifies everything in my head for me, of what I need to be doing... To retain my sanity. I need progression.

I broke down for the first time once I got back to my dorm. It was so scary that I couldn't even recognize myself. I couldn't bring myself to realize why this was happening. For the first time in my life, I had nowhere to run. I had nowhere to be purely alone, safe from anyone hearing me, questioning me, or seeing me this way. I kept moving frantically up and down from my room to the bathroom and back in order to keep myself composed, cleaning myself up, never lingering too long in fear someone may come and barge into my mad search for composure. And what makes it even harder is I can't even bring myself to do my work. Things are going to creep up on me again and I won't be able to handle it. I won't. Not with all of these monsters inside of my head... I can already feel myself on the edge of being overwhelmed.

So. I can't even begin to imagine a life without doing what I want to be doing. I can't even begin to imagine myself not playing music, not having the freedom to dance again, not writing with a purpose... Today has made me realize just how much this all means to me. I'm scared to say that I've become desperate. That I forfeit it all. I can't handle myself, or handle accepting a life where I won't have the freedom to do all of this to my heart's content. To the point of even hating it. I don't even care if people don't recognize my name, or know who I am... I just want to be able to pursue my art. To nurture it. To LIVE in art. To always breathe it in, always be surrounded by it... To do bigger things. Which is why I constantly think I'm pursuing the wrong path in school. That maybe school isn't for me right now. That I'm in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Maybe I should be studying music, so I can be surrounded by industry professionals, and hopefully find some place in it... The only hard thing is that I'm so impaired in it. Music is its own language, and if I were to study it... It still wouldn't lead me in the right direction. Also, I don't have any experience around my belt that would make it easy for people to accept any auditions, or anything from me.... I'm just me. I've got a hell of a ton of work to do with myself... And things to learn and prepare to really be ready to get out there. All I've got is my undying drive for this. And I'd hate myself if I never had the chance to do this all.

I'm getting signs from everywhere. In a moment's plea, I looked up from my bed at my wall. Of the things I've done in the past, and the things that people have said to me, and expect from me... They are all small beginnings and early etchings of a path sunken to this art. Nothing is telling me I can't, or that I'm not good enough, or that it's entirely unlikely... I've just come to the acceptance that I have a lot of work and preparation to do. A lot of learning. And growing. But, like Chris McCandless once said from my favorite book: "The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances."  I am my own worst enemy. And what's to come of it if I never try?

So: I broke down in my dorm room today. And I realized... This isn't for me. No matter how hard I have tried to make myself a part of this community, a part of this school, a part of this SYSTEM.... I can feel myself growing distant from everything I came here for in the first place. I wanted opportunities. I wanted exposure. I wanted to further master and pursue my art. I wanted to create something with people. Yet, this system is holding me down. It's holding me back.

And I'm damn scared to turn it down.

~

"I understood what he was doing, that he had spent four years fulfilling the absurd and tedious duty of graduating from college and now he was emancipated from that world of abstraction, false security, parents, and material excess." ― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now, I'm praying for guidance. For courage. For myself to muster up enough courage at this point to continue on, and for me to be me again. Even I get frustrated seeing myself like this, and I know my being like this is making me grow distant from others... Those reminders on my wall, "Your smile is amazing... You are the sweetest person ever... You are an amazing person with so much talent... There's just something about you.." I just want to smile again. That's all I want now. Because we all know this isn't the right state of mind to get things done, to accomplish, and succeed. For you spiritual seekers, in my Black Book, it reflects that when Jesus first came to Jerusalem, "He could sense something. His enemies could close in on him here. This could be the end of everything." Ironically enough, it says, "I've been (or am currently) in a situation that could go either way. A great opportunity? The end of something? Something in between? Jesus has been here and faced all of these possibilities with courage and determination. I should talk to him about the possibilities in my life." Is it that I'm homesick (but is it just homesickness if these recurring thoughts come back to me right after I return from home, every time)? Is this me finally acknowledging my putting up with this system? Or is it just the beginning of a greater awareness to guide me in the direction I need/want to go? To the light...