Friendship

You know, the topic of "friends" has really been crossing my mind lately and, I felt that if I were to actually confront it rather than "beat it around the bush", maybe I'd have a better understanding of myself and my own habits with "friends".

All the time--from movies to the Internet to our own friends and colleagues--we are bombarded with overdone fairy tales about the history of childhood friends who grow up together and live their entire lives side-by-side until marriage (or 'til "death do us part"). (The movie Bride Wars reminded me of this.) Friendship is kind of like marriage in a way. and, I guess when it gets to that point, two people who love each other have to grow to become each others friends for a successful marriage (and, sadly, some people never get to that point).

In my past life, it does pain me to think of the lost relationships I've had. Things just happen and you make silly errors that will never be understood by the other. Back in elementary school, I've had such carefree times with friends I've grown up with for so long, never giving the friendship much thought-- I just enjoyed it for what it was. There were no worries about common interests or similar hairstyles or musical tastes-- the friendship just happened. It was easy. It was carefree.

Once "teenage angst" hit me as I got to high school, I really began to re-evaluate myself and my friendships. Freshman year was the brink of my growing ever so insecure about myself-- one thing I used to never be. A main thing that got me was that my friendships felt like they were lacking so much, and I wanted more. I felt kind of alone and unheard of-- "in the background". I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but when you let it get to the point of just letting those old friendships fade away, you realize just how nice it would've been to have kept those nearby. These movies and stories you read all the time about these perfect friendships really makes you want one of your own-- and, the more you want it, the more it almost becomes like an impossible "dream", a "fairy tale". But, things do turn around, even if it's not exactly the way you planned or hoped for.

Now, I've never exactly been the social butterfly who interacted with others well and made friends easily. This is a main reason why my first couple years of high school felt like I was in the shadows so much-- others took me in, but they weren't exactly my friends. They were just people I identified with, even though they knew nothing about me.

It is depressing to think about, but, please bare with me because there is a point. Distance really is killer. Even though nothing bad may have happened between you two, the more time spent apart really does make things tense. Going separate ways and separate paths in search of something different, or something more, is never a bad thing. It's just that when it happens, the idea of having lost something you never really noticed, does sadden you a bit.

I think something I've always had a problem with was intimacy. Whenever friendships or relationships grew too close, I'd become scared and back off. It is an insecurity, and when my Kairos small group adult leader mentioned how she wanted to work on placing more trust in people, that was like a huge slap in the face for me and I had some sort of "revelation". At this point in my life, I felt like I was floating on air-- I've bared it all in front of these girls and shoved my heart on the ground for them to see, but, there was still something inside of me I haven't come to terms with yet, and I hadn't even realized was that one thing still tugging at me. Friends.

It's so easy to remain so distant and not entirely close to others because it gives you room to be, in some sort of way, a "new you". A "you" that isn't already prejudged or preconceived where you are able to say what you feel and be who you are (for the most part). That's what makes Kairos such a fitting environment to lay it all and be open and honest with everyone-- you've no worries. Distance makes you free.

That makes me think now... What for distance vs. escape? The next time you do feel like creating "distance", ask yourself: Is it a way to simply make you breathe a little? Or are you trying to escape from something?

Anyway, not to get off-topic, but, I think that once you come to terms with your own faults and weaknesses, you are able to gain more knowledge of yourself. After all, as a good teacher of mine once said to me, "It is an eye opening experience, not about you seeing a new world, but about you seeing a new you." When you find yourself in foreign territory (and perhaps completely vulnerable), you are allowing yourself the opportunity to grow, learn, and see yourself in a new light you haven't been able to see before. And, with that, always comes, first, courage, and second, new knowledge.

The things that have happened in our past may cause us some unease, or it may even bring us to times we wish to re-live because we were our "best -selves ever"... Whatever the case, who you were then, has led you to who you are now. There's a quote in the book Slaughterhouse-Five I read this past year that goes something like, "There isn't any particular relationship between all the messages, except that ... when seen all at once, they produce an image of life that is beautiful and surprising and deep. There is no beginning, no middle, no end ... [It is] the depths of many marvelous moments seen all at one time." Simply put-- who we are isn't at one point in our lives, but who we are at the sum of all these moments in our lives. "We are the sum of our experiences" as it's said, right?

Anyway, I tend to keep running off on all these different tangents now, but, what all these "marvelous moments" in my life have taught me is that I've still got lots of room to grow, but, I sure am not the same person I was just a few months ago. Things help you open your mind and widen your perspective about things-- which is one thing that has allowed me to be more grateful and appreciative of my own relationships. It's always been hard for me to make friends or relate well with others, but, once I put that "pride" of being so well-off on my own away, then will I come to terms with myself.

Nobody likes to be alone, let's face it. But, who we are when we are together can really become something-- something beautiful, in any friendship or relationship. You've just gotta put yourself out there, become aware of who and what you are, and realize that the ground you're standing on really is a good place to be in (of course, once you've dug yourself out of the rut).

Be well, my fellow readers. One thing I must do? Practice placing more trust in people and being less afraid. Let others know who I really am and can be-- some lucky people have caught a glimpse of that. What is it you need to do?