"It is an eye-opening experience, not about you seeing a new world, but about you seeing a new you."

I'm beginning to feel as if I'm losing my humility.

I got my MacBook Pro today and I feel absolutely guilty for having it. I know I've no reason to feel guilty because 1) I need a laptop for college and 2) the quality of this thing is unbeatable. But, that little feeling of not deserving this laptop is really starting to eat me up inside. I've never been one to want the "fanciest" and "newest" things in technology--I was happy with my first flip cell phone for 4 straight years until I had to get it upgraded this past January. Even when I did upgrade it, I insisted on no smart phone or something that could give me Internet (I found the Internet should stay on computers; I'd hate to become glued to my phone), but only something that could offer me what I needed on a cell phone.

You might find this as some silly Mac rant and could be pointing at me saying, "What! Are you crazy? Mac's are so expensive and you're lucky to have one!" I know I'm lucky to have one, but when I lay down a lot of cash for something, it has to be something I am deeply in love with--or else I begin to feel guilty, like I do right now. Looking back on that new guitar I bought myself for a good $500 a couple months ago, I'd rather have used the money for this Mac on an even better guitar, and settled on some cheap quantity-based PC laptop that'll last me half the lifetime of this Mac. (Okay, maybe I take that second part back...)

The reason I feel I'm beginning to lose my humility is because I feel like I'm not being honest with myself. For the past week, I've been cooped up in my house for no good reason at all and it caused me to feel as if I were going crazy and rotting inside of my own body due to lack of productivity. There are absolutely very little things I hate more than having a lack of productivity, so you can bet the feeling was terrible. Later on into the week, I decided I was going to write--just for the sake of my sanity. I know that sounds silly for someone who's going to major in writing, but lately, I've been getting overly-conscious of my writing because it's been losing its integrity. It doesn't feel real to me anymore, probably because I've exhausted myself of it so much, trying to crank out new writing that I'll actually appreciate, and even searching through the last few drops in my little well of "inspiration". My writing feels tasteless and ingenuine--and readers can sense that kind of stuff.

I know it will be silly to admit that the sole reason I wanted a Mac was because it has GarageBand--I've heard of its wonders. My favorite band of all-time that really helped me start engaging in music and pursuing my own talents in it (and realizing my writing) even used GarageBand to record their own demos (Meg Frampton herself has even talked about how she couldn't live without her Mac). I figured GarageBand would be of good use for me. My brother served as the perfect salesman for me too because he convinced me of all of Mac's wondrous capabilities and user-friendly applications..... I forgot one thing. I'm a PC person and I hate computers (they frustrate more than please me 99% of the time). So why the heck do I have a Mac? Because I was led to believe this was the best possible choice for me (and it probably is; I just have to force myself to fall in love with it first...).

And with that little situation, I realized one of my major weaknesses: people-pleasing. If you're a good friend of mine, you already know how hard it is for me to make the simplest decisions. So, I resort to my peers for "advice", and I end up seeking them for reassurance. Since when have I ever made a decision by myself? When I was picking out colleges, I hadn't looked hard enough to really know what college was the perfect "fit" for me--I just applied to colleges people had baby-fed me (a small liberal arts college seems ideal, but oh how little money can take you...). That's why I was stuck with the choice of UC Santa Cruz vs. Irvine. I didn't get to choose my college--UCI chose me. We all know how afraid I was of the distance and being away from home; but, to look on the bright side, I guess UCI gave me that push to leave home and all my insecurities away.

It's funny (and I talked about this in my Kairos talk...), I've always been one who has prided herself on the idea that she knew herself so well. That I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing--I was that quiet and reserved writer and closet musician who was known for her "cute" and "adorable" mannerisms yet profound thoughts in her head. and, for so long, I let that "title" rule me. I left no room for striving to be other things and trying new experiences, because I was so close-minded and wanted to showcase and be who I was thought to be. Don't get me wrong--I am a closet writer and musician with those "adorable" yet awkward mannerisms and said-profound thoughts, but, I let myself become obsessed with it and I lost my pure, honest, and open-simple-mindedness that I had always had for as long as I could remember. Where had the Jamie Sullivan in me gone? What happened to my deep devotion to my faith and God? What happened to the pure simplicity I had for writing--for it to be my space for self-expression? not self-appreciation or peer acceptance?

It's moments like these where I have too much time to myself and I begin to realize all of my flaws and errors. but, like times to myself have always been, they have given me a lot of time to re-evaluate the things in my life, and the way I've been living it.

It's time to seek harmony. Ha. My moon sign = Libra = harmony. It just makes sense. No wonder I find so much pleasure in the aesthetics and no-conflicts, therefore people-pleasing. and my sun sign = Pisces = deep emotions and creativity. No wonder I like to float in my own emotions sometimes, to the point where it may even drown my poor little frail fishy self. That fish-out-of-water feeling gets too familiar sometimes...

I can say that letting go of the things I became so obsessed with my freshman and sophomore years have really helped me gain a sense of my own identity. Without trying to fit into the mold I found myself in so much, I gave myself the ability to breathe. I still suffocate at times, I admit... but sometimes, those near-death experiences make you appreciate what you truly value in your life just a little more.

I'm thinking less, and doing more, all with my old values of truth and goodness ruling it so I don't lose myself. I'm trying--and the more I let go of my obsessions to be something and someone I'm not, the more I feel that harmony I so naturally seek.

I may be at a period in my life where I don't feel my writing does me justice--or it may even be just me being too hard on myself--but, whatever the case: as a friend once told me, "It is an eye-opening experience, not about you seeing a new world, but about you seeing a new you."

 

P.S. and as for that Mac, I guess I've just gotta teach myself to love what truly is wonderful in my life. I'm not for forcing yourself to love something (or someone, for that matter...oh dear God), but growing an appreciation and realizing that this all really is happening for the better.... Now that's something.