"What a view."

You ever had those moments when you feel yourself getting too tied up in things and you begin to feel a little shaken, and maybe even uncertain, of your behavior? Or maybe it's just the way you've been living or the things you've been doing that make you feel a bit out of character? Perhaps you've been living a life of distraction that your focus has become skewed?

I need to remind myself that this very life I am living right now is beautiful.




I remember there was a moment just one year ago when my best friend and I were left at school in the late afternoon, waiting for our rides to pick us up. This was typical of us, as we both couldn't drive (and still can't) and we'd spend after-school hours talking, hanging out, and having those 'deep moment' sort of things. We parked our buses on the planter boxes that day, right behind the school (above is a picture of my high school from the front, street view). It was particularly warm, I remember that--like a warm summer breeze. She'd feed me her snacks (I'm such a mooch!) and I'd be there to listen. We were both tired from the 7 or so hours of back-to-back classes drilled down our necks. I remember laying atop the planter box, looking up at the blue sky shining through the green leaves overcast from the planter. Man, what a view. I remember posing the question to her, "Why is it that it's so easy for us to look down?" When I mentioned this, I could feel a philosophical metaphor coming on. "It's so easy for us to look up, but rather we choose to look down to the ground... That could go for a lot of things."

We've had a lot of moments like that in our four years back at Carondelet, and I can't help but still feel that moment so applicable right now.

I hate to make the term grow trite, but Kairos has been the antidote for much of the love, honesty, happiness, and appreciation I've felt and shared throughout my life; and I still strive to make it ring true in all aspects of my life today, as hard as it may get. When you begin to lose yourself with distractions, obligations, activities, and uncertainties, you need a guiding principle to bring you back again--something that serves as a token, key, or testament to that particular clarity. For me, it serves to bring back that faith, that belief, that honesty, and that love.

When you become so wrapped up in your own ideas, it becomes too easy to build upon things. You want to expect more from already good things. You want to see and interpret things in your own subjective way. You wish to have things happen in one way and not another. You begin to want other, different things. You grow tired of what you have. You lose faith in people. You begin to reason against what you have. And you create this sort of illness that breeds hatred towards an internal sense of self.

Bring it all back in. Why can't you just love yourself again? You are so blessed. Rather than worry about what hasn't happened, or strive to be something you're not, or even wish to be somewhere else than here, "Our goal is to discover that we have always been where we ought to be. Unhappily, we make the task exceedingly difficult for ourselves." (Although Aldous Huxley was quite the eccentric man, he's an eccentric man for a reason! That quote is from his hallucinogenic account, found in The Doors of Perception.)

It's not too hard to look up once in a while. Dust the dirt off your feet and get living again. "There's a hell of a good universe next door. Let's go." (That, my friends, is from the dear Mr. E.E. Cummings!)
Life isn't all that bad when you come to accept and fully appreciate everything you have right now. An awareness of that appreciation and being grateful for what I have has allowed me to wholeheartedly love a best friend. With that appreciation, I find that you are able to utilize and make the most of all these moments, opportunities, and people who walk in and out of our lives... Its inevitable life will throw its hard-balls at you to test you, but that's only because we thrive on the drama of existence. "Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." (TY Alexis Luna.) Life is a blessing. Don't clutter yourself. Live a simple living; live for you; live for me; live for others. What good is life--and love--if it isn't shared. Just take a step back right now, and Let's go. Someday, we'll know.
I vow to bring myself back Home. After all, you are a representation of your Home, and your Home is to be shared and brought to other places and different people. Remember what it is that makes me me, and what it is that makes me human. Open your heart again.

Here's a song I would like to end this post with:

4am-mind laziness trying to sort through 'priorities'

You could say that I've been keeping myself busy lately. Four weeks sounds about right.

Is it bad to think back and not even remember the last time I really found myself completely indulged in my own personal free time since the quarter has started? Some may say I've been having a little "too much fun" (or that might just be me), and I haven't been giving enough attention to my studies. Why is it do I find myself too much 'on the move' and 'out-and-about' rather than my normal recluse self would be doing? The last time I really wrote about my personal state on here was when I was really conflicted with my presence in school and plans for the next few years, and you can bet that was the scariest and most emotional state I have been in this entire year. I can pose only one question: What have I been doing since then?

It’s about halfway through my last quarter here as a 1st-year at UCI, and I have to say that I’ve learned a lot about myself this past year. I came to college knowing I would learn a lot about myself, and I’ve never been so emotional about such real issues I've never felt before--so foreign to me and something I couldn't feel back home. I've found that it’s times like these when your life flashes before your eyes and decisions—decisions that even hit home and special places in your heart—have to be made. Even if I thought I had a good hold on what I want to do and who I am, I’m still finding my place.

Have you ever felt as if you were the only one like you in a large community? As if you're a 'lone soldier' in a sea of men, with no one to relate to? I may not have described that as accurately as I could, but, just the sense that as much as you try to integrate yourself into something, the more you find yourself just not relating? Much of my time here has been just like that. As much as I've involved myself in so many things, especially with integrating myself in Kababayan and strengthening my bonds with my hall to the best of my abilities, I still find, at the end of the day, that everything is sort of 'empty'. It gives me a dead feeling.

But, at the same time, I've had my fair share of purely joyous moments within the past month. I've bonded with my K'sises in such heart-warming ways, and I've solidified friendships in my hall that I can look back at and be grateful for. But, as I've always found myself as one who was always a bit detached, I find that with all of these seemingly precious memories to others, they are just events to get me through the day to me. And, don't get me wrong, I hate to belittle these precious moments as 'just events', but that is what they seem to be for me. When I look back at my experience here on a grand-scale, I cannot exactly recall fond moments. Rather, they all mush together as things that just 'got me through the day'. Why is it that it is like that for me? For now, I can't really say. I've been happy. I've been extremely sad. I've gone through the whole wavelength and spectrum of emotions to its extremes here--perhaps all because I may be purely alone down here. Living a life in which you wish you were doing something else, or were elsewhere, or were back home with family makes things feel smaller. I've found that when special figures come into the picture, it makes everything that more special. When they aren't in the picture, it makes a joyous experience not all that memorable. Perhaps I don't feel as if I can fully appreciate and live as my fullest self down here, which has made me feel like a 'lone soldier' so to say. Whatever the case, I've learned a lot about my personal self and livelihood here; but with cramming my schedule with empty obligations, I may make myself feel proud a moment, but in the end I know I've a craving to be more productive to make something else of myself.

I love writing. I love music. I love dance. and I love my culture,
Music is what I’m most passionate about, but Culture is what I know best.
What am I to do, to make something of myself, and to be stable, yet happy?

It’s sad to say, because I’ve met some genuinely nice and amazing people here, but, as a restless soul and dreamer always is, I always wish to be elsewhere, and to have and feel something more--to be “bigger than my body” as John Mayer would say. My life needs to serve a higher purpose. And the people I find myself associated with are just here to enjoy college, while I’m the type that wants to make something of herself in college, during this time. Maybe that’s why everything I’ve been doing has been dull to me. They “lack their luster", so to speak... Since when do the obligations and involvements I involve myself in have to be things I feel more obliged to be in, and to do? Why has Kaba taken up such a majority of my college life? Is it because I am searching for something in particular in these activities that I just haven't seemed to find yet?

It's time I set my priorities straight. Perhaps in the past 5 weeks, since the early start of this quarter, I've been trying to find the cure for my elsewhere-ness. Obligations have been taking up a majority of my time--to the point where I don't even remember the last time I really did work, read for class, or full-out studied. It is very uncharacteristic of me to get lost in my sense of work ethic and lean towards a life full of a craving for socializing... But, "Too much fun leaves an unhappy Rachel." All of this 'hanging out', I find, I could do without. It's not in my element, and it's not really me. I'm a loner and a homebody! What does this do for me? For some reason, it's as if a part of me needs it. Wants it. But what am I looking for in it?

I've been finding reasons for my enjoying this place. And there are a lot. UCI has offered me so much and has given me a real sense of community--something I bet would be a million times harder to find in other places. But, still, my restless and wandering soul can't seem to be at peace here. I want it to offer me more. I want to associate myself with different people--like people. As much as I integrate myself with people, clubs, and organizations, I still find myself wanting to live with a higher purpose, as I've had no real 'click' with these people to really make me want to stay. (I've gotta make do with what I do, ay?)

It's time I stop distracting myself with 'things'--although all the hanging out, socializing, going out to eat, watching shows, and playing around have been fun, it's all a part of, as I will coin, the "dorm effect". I want to be able to live like myself again--alone, recording secret cover songs in my room (as I still do), playing guitar as loudly I want, practicing guitar more often, watching movies, keeping up with TV shows, and feeling comfortable with my workload. I've seemed to grow into the biggest procrastinator, with my sleeping schedule all out of whack, and bodily insecurities getting the best of me. It's time I refocus my energy on my real obligations, values, beliefs, and faith. I've been a little restless lately, and as much as I am happy I fulfilled my last post's (~) wish of wanting to "just be happy" and "smile" for now, now's time to live on my own personal standards. No more junk or wasted time--I need punctuality. But, let me too enjoy these last few weeks with friends I've gotten to know just a bit better as of late, and of living in my beloved Otero. No more spending every single day and wee-hour of the night going out and hanging out with people--its time to set my Rachel chakras in line! (Hah, I can't believe I just said that.)

Coming Alive

From watching 4 USF, 3 San Jose State, and 2 UC Berkeley Pilipino Cultural Nights (PCNs) over the course of 5 years, I just want to say, Thank you Kababayan, for allowing me to opportunity to finally be involved in something I've watched my older brothers, friends, and mentors perform in for so long. I've been in many large-scale stage productions over the years for Filipino cultural dance, but this experience has really opened my eyes to what exactly the Pilipino-American Cultural Night experience is.

Being involved in a Filipino cultural dance troupe for the past 7 years has allowed me to grow--I admit--very critical of cultural dances I see being showcased to audiences. I've grown so skilled in eying formations, the lines of dancers, techniques, agility, skill, and overall appeal of performers and performances as a whole, that it makes me cringe whenever I see cultural dances, myths, and stories not exactly being implemented in the right way. Movements, steps and footwork being butchered; arms, lines, and stances not exactly right; it's hard not to want to expect more, even though you know in your mind that these aren't skilled dancers or entirely culturally-aware students. Most of the people in this have come to learn more about their culture; they have come to reconnect and make new friends; they have come because of their love for theater, dance, stage, music, art; and those who have dreams and ambitions to create and make something of themselves, come. It is all about the journey on PACN. As we are all students, searching for some sort of answer, PACN is almost always the staple of that search.

Culture, to me, has been something very principal to my life. When thinking of culture, it is easy to think of the traditional sense of it--the historic past of our ancestors, with all the struggles and native traditions and rituals--but, it has recently come to my attention that culture isn't exactly in the past. Culture can, as well, be what we are today. We are living and creating culture right now, because culture is a way of living life and the attitude one preserves in it, collectively. As Pilipino-American students, it is important to note that we have created our own culture in this very life we are living right now, and PACN is the testament to that culture. (And now I think in my head, "It all just makes sense now!") Pilipino-American Cultural Night: The night to showcase our culture; Of what we are, who we are, and what exactly we all are, and have been. It's not just about the cultural dances, but everything We are collectively.

Before, it was so easy to watch these things so subjectively, but by actually being in one and going through the process of it has allowed me to see the production objectively, from the wider viewpoint of what it is as a whole--the true meaning that lies in the real culture night.

Filipino folk dancing has become something very important to me over the past 7 years (ever since I was 12) because it was something I built with my family, and brought together my family. Kariktan--you have always been my second-family, and I'm entirely grateful for what you have given me over the years. You've taught me so much about growing up, the importance of family, all through an activity that really roots us all together. You've helped me find something in myself I never knew existed. And you really played a vital role in bringing together my family. Dancing and performing with you was the one activity that brought me and my family closer together, allowing us the room to bond, learn, and work together for one same and similar goal in mind. No words can really explain the wonder of it. (Note: Mind you, I don't know why I'm getting all sappy right now. I apologize!) I've seen so much of the world, of our Filipino community all around the Bay Area, and have been to so many different places, venues, weddings, festivals, gardens, homes, lakes, forests, parties because of you... Little did I know that this little process of traveling to and from places was a part of that journey of learning about the culture I am living and breathing today. There was a truth to be learnt just in the process of traveling.

~

Before I start to ramble even more, I'd like to bring this post back to PACN. Right now, I am experiencing a similar sort of feeling I experienced when I first went through Kairos, November of my senior year. I fondly remember myself thinking, "Wow, what is all the hype about this retreat? Why does everyone come back loving each other?" It was very out of my nature to decide to go on this retreat, since I was so stubborn, insecure, and 'sure of myself' then; but, although the actual experience of the retreat didn't allow me to grow those said stereotypes of 'loving everyone' and coming back with so many new friends, the real wonder came through what was learnt from that first retreat experience. I learned to love everyone, because I learned that we all have struggles of our own, no matter how little or insignificant; I learned that everyone truly is the same, and the differences we establish among ourselves are so petty; I learned that looking at the world so pessimistically isn't healthy, and there is a real beauty that comes from truly appreciating what is around you and making the most of what you have--not thinking what you have not (this allowed me to truly embrace and appreciate a true friendship in my life). This experience somehow correlated to PACN. Although I didn't make the most or best of friends with those I would have liked to, or have met as many new people as I would have liked to in my first PACN, the real beauty was in what was learnt from this experience. And, just as my second Kairos retreat, April of my senior year has allowed me to do, (I thankfully and luckily had the opportunity to go on it again), it gave me the opportunity to implement everything I learned on my first Kairos through truly living what I learned--through loving others openly and honestly, to being more comfortable with myself and what I have to offer, and really being a shining example of that love--just through the act of being involved and being one of the head leaders of the entire retreat experience. Now, PACN. Granted another year comes, will being a part of the PACN team allow me that same opportunity--not exactly experience, but rather--the wonder of putting in so much effort in something to help foster others' knowledge about themselves and of others, through something that comes so natural to me? Love and Faith, so natural, coming through in Kairos. Culture and Dance, so learnt, coming to use in PACN. It's crazy how similar, when I think of it, Kairos--something I look back at so fondly--and PACN can actually be. Kairos was the journey of loving myself, others, and growing in myself and faith with others. PACN is the journey of loving myself, others, and growing in myself and culture with others. And, as I have come to realize, the most worthwhile of experiences for me are those where I am able to put my best self forward to lead and help others through a journey. A process. An exploration. A self-discovery. It is when I feel my life serves a purpose. That is what makes me feel alive.

rachelcansee:

heckyeahtumblrchallenges:

15 Day Video Challenge

Each day do a recording of yourself based on the topic. Be creative or be straight forward. It’s completely up to you! The goal is to have fun with it, and a way to build more confidence. This challenge helps discover yourself a bit more and also helps others know you a bit better! Good Luck and have fun!

Day 1: Introduce Yourself

Day 2: Your dreams, aspirations, career goals, etc.

Day 3: Your personality in person and online

Day 4: Most difficult experience or experiences

Day 5: Your cellphone

Day 6: Where you went out today, and places you love and places you want to visit

Day 7: People who you want to get to know more personally

Day 8: Sing a Song

Day 9: Favorite Movie

Day 10: Views on Love and relationships

Day 11: Someone you miss

Day 12: Someone you admire

Day 13: Something you want to do now

Day 14: Your future

Day 15: Final Words

Day 1: Introduce Yourself (Scratch that. Let's make it 15 days.)

It's on. Click here for an archive of my videos for the next 15 days!
Or... You can always visit my alter-ego of a YouTube account /rachelcansee.

~

I'm so scared.

I can't even contain myself anymore. I can't handle myself like this. This hasn't happened before... Not like this.

~

I've reached a breaking point. I don't know if it's just the lack of sleep I've been getting that has been making all of these thoughts and emotions amplified in my mind, but if it's the sole reason for my head to feel like it's forever throbbing, my eyes to puff up reminiscent of a year ago, and my choked up throat and pit in my chest to serve as a cry for an answer... Then please God bless a good night's sleep.

I've shed myself in front of people before. I often take pride in it. And with it came answers. Love. Harmony. Peace of mind. Unity.

But this battle I've been fighting with... It doesn't feel like it'd have an answer. It doesn't feel as if anything would be resolved if I were to shed myself in front of these new people. I'd be able to "weed through the rubble" as Meg would say, but I'd be back to square one again, in the end.

With time and age, I've realized that I've been battling this battle for so many years now. Except now, it's become largely apparent in my mind. In my heart. And in my damn eyes. Like a damn slap in the face. And I have to do something about it.

I cannot even begin to imagine my life in which I am not doing what I want to be doing. I've been walking on this campus for a long time now, and I always get a choked up feeling. My lips are pressed tightly as my heart paces to keep a straight face. I catch moments where my gaping eyes begin to water and I hurriedly search for something to busy myself with. To keep my mind off it. Monsters have constantly been jabbing themselves into my head, and it almost feels impossible to overcome. What am I even doing here? Am I wasting my time? I should be somewhere else right now. I'm not getting any younger. The world isn't waiting for me. Everything's happening right now... The world feels like it's "tied in a noose around [my] neck".

As the year has been progressing, I've been questioning what the heck my major is, set in stone. Just to be sure. (But for God's sake, everyone knows Pisces are incurably indecisive... I'm no different.) I think, What is it I want to accomplish here? What path am I going to take here? It seems like I'm constantly running out of time and I have to decide on a path already--to be sure I'm headed on the right track and not wasting any of my mom's preciously earned money. But, when I do realize what I want to do, I don't even think a shiny damn gold degree will do anything. What will it do for me? Doesn't it matter who I am and what I've done.... rather than having some certified degree? I understand why it's important to have a degree--to make it easier for people to know what you do. To have a list of accomplishments. But the thing is: A degree would be nothing to me. It wouldn't get me anywhere--at least, for what I want to be doing. It's been getting harder and harder to push through these classes... These damn pointless classes, That really do nothing for me except reinforce the fact that I really really really really want to get out already, and really pursue what it is I want. It's been getting so difficult to handle... I can't even compose myself. I can't bring myself to eat. My sleeping schedule is all out of whack. My language is choking up. My interactions... I attempt to smile at people and make eye contact... Make conversation... like I used to do... but I can't even bring myself to do it anymore. That's what makes it so scary. I can feel myself losing myself in this... and it just amplifies everything in my head for me, of what I need to be doing... To retain my sanity. I need progression.

I broke down for the first time once I got back to my dorm. It was so scary that I couldn't even recognize myself. I couldn't bring myself to realize why this was happening. For the first time in my life, I had nowhere to run. I had nowhere to be purely alone, safe from anyone hearing me, questioning me, or seeing me this way. I kept moving frantically up and down from my room to the bathroom and back in order to keep myself composed, cleaning myself up, never lingering too long in fear someone may come and barge into my mad search for composure. And what makes it even harder is I can't even bring myself to do my work. Things are going to creep up on me again and I won't be able to handle it. I won't. Not with all of these monsters inside of my head... I can already feel myself on the edge of being overwhelmed.

So. I can't even begin to imagine a life without doing what I want to be doing. I can't even begin to imagine myself not playing music, not having the freedom to dance again, not writing with a purpose... Today has made me realize just how much this all means to me. I'm scared to say that I've become desperate. That I forfeit it all. I can't handle myself, or handle accepting a life where I won't have the freedom to do all of this to my heart's content. To the point of even hating it. I don't even care if people don't recognize my name, or know who I am... I just want to be able to pursue my art. To nurture it. To LIVE in art. To always breathe it in, always be surrounded by it... To do bigger things. Which is why I constantly think I'm pursuing the wrong path in school. That maybe school isn't for me right now. That I'm in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Maybe I should be studying music, so I can be surrounded by industry professionals, and hopefully find some place in it... The only hard thing is that I'm so impaired in it. Music is its own language, and if I were to study it... It still wouldn't lead me in the right direction. Also, I don't have any experience around my belt that would make it easy for people to accept any auditions, or anything from me.... I'm just me. I've got a hell of a ton of work to do with myself... And things to learn and prepare to really be ready to get out there. All I've got is my undying drive for this. And I'd hate myself if I never had the chance to do this all.

I'm getting signs from everywhere. In a moment's plea, I looked up from my bed at my wall. Of the things I've done in the past, and the things that people have said to me, and expect from me... They are all small beginnings and early etchings of a path sunken to this art. Nothing is telling me I can't, or that I'm not good enough, or that it's entirely unlikely... I've just come to the acceptance that I have a lot of work and preparation to do. A lot of learning. And growing. But, like Chris McCandless once said from my favorite book: "The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances."  I am my own worst enemy. And what's to come of it if I never try?

So: I broke down in my dorm room today. And I realized... This isn't for me. No matter how hard I have tried to make myself a part of this community, a part of this school, a part of this SYSTEM.... I can feel myself growing distant from everything I came here for in the first place. I wanted opportunities. I wanted exposure. I wanted to further master and pursue my art. I wanted to create something with people. Yet, this system is holding me down. It's holding me back.

And I'm damn scared to turn it down.

~

"I understood what he was doing, that he had spent four years fulfilling the absurd and tedious duty of graduating from college and now he was emancipated from that world of abstraction, false security, parents, and material excess." ― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now, I'm praying for guidance. For courage. For myself to muster up enough courage at this point to continue on, and for me to be me again. Even I get frustrated seeing myself like this, and I know my being like this is making me grow distant from others... Those reminders on my wall, "Your smile is amazing... You are the sweetest person ever... You are an amazing person with so much talent... There's just something about you.." I just want to smile again. That's all I want now. Because we all know this isn't the right state of mind to get things done, to accomplish, and succeed. For you spiritual seekers, in my Black Book, it reflects that when Jesus first came to Jerusalem, "He could sense something. His enemies could close in on him here. This could be the end of everything." Ironically enough, it says, "I've been (or am currently) in a situation that could go either way. A great opportunity? The end of something? Something in between? Jesus has been here and faced all of these possibilities with courage and determination. I should talk to him about the possibilities in my life." Is it that I'm homesick (but is it just homesickness if these recurring thoughts come back to me right after I return from home, every time)? Is this me finally acknowledging my putting up with this system? Or is it just the beginning of a greater awareness to guide me in the direction I need/want to go? To the light...

Late Night Reveries

As I sink back into the comfort of my floral pink bedsheets and fuzzy red throw that remind me of the fact home isn't too far away here in my dorm, I find myself reaching back for my computer as I type this.

You ever get the slightest nudges in your head that tell you you need to write something, right now? I never pass up an opportunity to write or play music when inspiration comes knocking at my door. I get the feeling that, as Elizabeth Gilbert might say, my 'genius' is knocking on my door and I have to let it in to do its wonders.
 
Perhaps it's just the feeling that I feel I have something to say.



This Lenten season has proven to be a time for a lot of reflection in my life. Lent can be seen as a time of "dying to one way of life and rising to another"... With a new environment, new school, new surroundings, and being quite alone from everything I ever used to know, I would have to learn to adapt to survive. Now, I've found that its been apparent in my nature to be very adaptable to both situations and people. Ever heard of the Pisces being some sort of chameleon?

Having my fair share of a full college experience and times set aside returning home have allowed me to keep a healthy balance of what it is that I value the most in my life while adapting to new situations. It's about keeping yourself in check when you can't find the time to do it yourself at times. Albeit, I haven't changed much, but I have grown a lot and come to know myself a little better. I thought I'd share with you a couple of things I've learned as of late:

1. I am perfectly happy being alone. I've found that I tend to treasure the moments I find myself cooped up in my dorm, free to roam the wild imaginations in my head and musical yearnings in my heart. I find myself most at ease and a good grasp of who I am to keep a straight head. My happiness doesn't really depend on other people, but on how I feel about myself.
2. I'm really conflicted with school. I don't know what I'm doing here, and you can bet I am in no place enthused to be here; but, I try to make the most of what this time can offer me now, and there was never any shame in that, right?
3. I'm probably second-guessing school for one or both of two reasons: 1) I find that Irvine doesn't offer me as many opportunities as I can be exposed to; there is a better school to go to for songwriting and film studies (that are not out of my grasp); this is the most apt time to pursue things, and I feel as if I'm wasting my time; and/or 2) every time I come home, I realize just how much of a home and life I have there; I'm entirely happy and sane being with my family and brothers; I've got a Filipino folk dance company I always miss and plan on coming back to every chance I get; my best friend is back home; I love the people and seeing old faces.
4. BUT, I've also realized how much a blessing Irvine has been for me for several reasons: 1) I surpassed the fear of leaving home and have found a sort of independence and true traveling spirit in me (as well as loving being on the road and sleeping in different cities night-to-night/San Jose); 2) it has made California seem smaller to me, and thus, made the world smaller; 3) I've become more aware of the reality of what it is I wish to do with my life, and just how much it all means to me; 4) I've become more Asian in a sense, in that I know just a little more about Asian culture, perks, and cuisine!; 5) I've been exposed to different people, and have seen how surprising people can be; 6) I've been blessed with a new friend.
5. I've realized that if I want to grow and get the most stuff done, I will probably have to stay in SoCal.
6. I've also realized that, to know and re-live what it is that is true to my inner core, beliefs, and values, I will probably have to be in NorCal for long periods of time.
7. What keeps me going in life is having a constant Mentor.
8. I really do love my brothers. Really really love.
9. J.E.M. was and is still such an inspiration to me.
10. I still miss the one who said, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you."
11. I've realized that I'm the type of person who would throw away having the 'college experience' if it meant really working towards what I want to do, and be.
12. College has made me a little restless in pursuing things, but by being restless, it has also reminded me to slow down at times and try to make the most of what I've got. Is it a 'one-or-the-other' situation?
13. I still love staying up late writing nonsense.

At 3 a.m., I am withdrawing and welcoming in the new Spring Quarter with these hanging thoughts. Good night, and remember, This is the last week before Easter. Make it count, and get ready for the coming season, To start anew, and leave the old dirt behind.

Can you believe it's almost a year since April Kairos? Leading... It was the perfect way to have welcomed this season, and to have really Bloomed.

Gale: “Listen to me. You’re stronger than they are… they just want a good show. That’s all they want.”

I don't normally feel inclined to get pulled into stories too deeply (sagas like Harry Potter served as minor fantasy runs, and Twilight has never laid a glimpse upon my eyes), but there's something extremely chilling about The Hunger Games. Thank you to all you who are obsessed about this series for forewarning me about the gruesomeness in it...! But, this story has one heck of a strong main character with so much depth in her, you'd be silly not to be drawn to her natural inborn wit, virtuosity, and motherly instincts--even to her own enemies.

The story emits a haunting truth about corrupt totalitarian governments randomly selecting young teens up for blood-slaughter, all for a TV show. Its gruesome in detail, and the high-budgeted and -publicized film seemed to match that intensity. From an unbiased perspective, this film did its job in having me sit still in my seat with my hands clasped in fear as I was taken into the world of the games, scared for my own darn life as well. There was one moment where I threw my hands up in defeat (not literally) because the scene was just plain too dramatic for me. Did they really have to go there?, I thought to myself. I can definitely see why people are keeping their attention glued to this series. It's definitely one hell of a ride.

And I must add, the soundtrack given this film is surprisingly wonderful. It may have been the soundtrack period that made me grow a million times more respect for the film, but artists ranging from Taylor Swift to The Civil Wars, to both mainstream artists Kid Cudi and Maroon 5 testing out their vocals on a darker, more folksier tone (which I loved), add depth to the film. Don't forget the wonderful The Decemberists and Arcade Fire (whom I saw last summer at OL 2011) who set the bar for its haunting 'indie-ness'. For a mainstream film, I love how they've added a country folk element to their music and, although most of these songs, I believe, don't appear in the film, it is a wonderful supplement to the film and evokes the same sort of chilling, racy, and melodic lullabies we all felt when watching the movie.

I've been looking through old memories concerning Meg & Dia, and I found this old gem.

This was the summer before my junior year. Three years ago. I had wrote them with the intent that they were flooded with messages over MySpace and probably wouldn't have been able to get to mine, but (in comparison to today), to no surprise, Meg wrote me back. And what she said really resonated with me at the moment. It's crazy to think how terribly young I was and how naïvely I looked at the world. Senior year opened my eyes to that "lovely place" Meg told me about. (It's funny how one year can be so transformant for you that everything before then seems so miniscule...)

And so, I just thought I'd share with you something very special and characteristic of the band, and of Meg herself. These are one of the few reasons why I've always looked up to them--and her!

An honest reflection into my night at the Troubadour with Dia Frampton (Meg & Dia)

 

 

 

 

Dia Frampton (with American Tomahawk and Jarrod Gorbel)

The Troubadour
West Hollywood/Los Angeles, CA
March 18, 2012

I still can't seem to wrap my head around this entire night. The anxiety pulsing through my wrists, the excitement beating through my chest, and the long-awaited "birthday" concert I've been waiting for since the beginning of the quarter... It was finally here!

Background

I first discovered this band as MySpace's front page artist back in 2006 when they had "Roses", "Monster", and "Masterpiece" on their page. I was at the ripe age of 13, and one thing was for certain: They saved my life. They held my hand throughout middle school and really helped me develop, think, and mature into the person I am throughout all of high school. They helped me muster up enough courage to really know who I am, and to stick with it. I remember when my older brother first started to play the guitar and I would nag him to tell him to teach me something. Sooner or later, I found myself taking up lessons in 2007 and further pursued to master it as Meg's guitar playing was incredible and their songwriting--which I fell in love with the most--inspired my interest to pursue this Art the most (to hit people "here, here and here"--your heart, mind, and ears). Nonetheless, they helped me to really listen to music as I found a humble home and space for myself in it (and it made sense; in the 3rd grade, my teacher told me I had a knack for writing, and my guitar teacher told me nobody's picked up the guitar quicker than me). There weren't any reasons for me to stop pursuing this... and there wasn't any reason for me to let go.

It's been 3 days since the concert, and I still can't stop watching all of my 16 performance videos, amidst this finals week. I may sound hopelessly sentimental right now, but these concert videos are really making me tear up. They keep tuggin' and tuggin' on my poor heartstrings, to make me feel something. And, for 6 years, I've been trying to find out what exactly makes them make me feel this way... every single time.

The Show Itself

To recap on the night, I can't tell you anymore how perfect their hand-picked opening acts were. American Tomahawk opened up first, with the entire band drinking their whiskey onstage and the lead singer being "not drunk enough". I loved their folksy indie feel, and the lead singer's voice was really unique. Jarrod Gorbel (from The Honorary Title) was up next, accompanied by Dre Babinski who, I think, really made the set. She played the violin which gave their duet a unique feel and definitely added an adorable, sweet-ness to the stage. Everyone was rooting for her more than for Jarrod... and when she sang, everyone's adrenaline levels rose. She kind of reminded me of the effect Meg and Dia Frampton themselves had on their fans in their early days. Will old Meg & Dia fans be following Dre now (go check out her duo project "Miracle Days")?

The guys of the band came out and did their sound-check (of course, both Meg and Dia can't come out since everyone will go crazy; I've learned that from prior shows). I could feel the adrenaline amongst everyone go up because the act we've all been dying to see was coming up in a matter of minutes. For all us diehard Meg & Dia fans/"boardies", we were definitely the driving force of the audience. Once Meg and Dia came out, they opened up with the adrenaline-pumped "Don't Kick the Chair" into "Isabella". From the video, you can just feel the energy in the room. Pump up the volume and put on those headphones when you watch this! (It's funny, because you can hear my brother and I commenting on how "too close" Dia is to us! Check out the transition between the two songs and you can see my brother and I's excitement!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVp5U0_CkBk

Their entire set was indeed infectiously happy. They just made you feel good the entire time. I must say, the entire band does perform very differently now. It makes sense though; they've mastered these songs for months and have been touring around all over the country from big amphitheaters with thousands of country fans to smaller headliners with devote fans. Dia's definitely put her training to good use; her hand-motions, more exaggerated facial expressions, and seemingly more "planned out" commentary were, I have to say, different. I admit, I miss seeing them perform in their normal clothes and really rocking and belting out to their songs, but they looked classy nonetheless (as during the entire tour!). Even though this is a "Dia Frampton" show, they managed to pay dues to their old "Meg & Dia" fans by playing, "Bandits" and "Love Is" from their album Cocoon (and, as a specialty for the Troubadour show [they made sure to make it out to this show because handfuls of boardies were flying in from out of town], they played "Roses"--one of their earliest songs--in which they haven't played in 2 years).

The intimate setting definitely made it special. Albeit, I've never gone to a huge concert in an amphitheater before, so this was like old times for me (3 years to be exact!). I'm not sure whether this may be because this is technically a "Dia Frampton" rather than a "Meg & Dia" show, but I got the sense that they were, in a way, "trying too hard". It may have been because all of their training and touring on an all-out major tour with Blake Shelton has polished them; or because they've just really grown as performers (or even because they felt intimidated because they knew a lot of us "boardies" were expecting a lot from them); but, things felt a little more forced. The side comments didn't feel as natural, but more well-thought-out; I got the sense Dia was "used" to getting all of these gifts and it wasn't much a surprise (it may have been the nerves from being onstage and how to react to these gifts); all the guys were sitting on the side of the stage (as opposed to standing up and being with the band; this may be because it's a "Dia Frampton" show); Dia's singing was kept more under "control" (even the times she did belt out, she watched herself, not really losing herself with the music)... There were just a lot of differences, but, I don't want to bash this band because they did put on one stellar show. They have definitely gone so far and have grown entirely as performers on-stage. I feel as if they've been taught that concerts weren't just for playing music, but for performing them as well. They engaged with the audience more (Dia has definitely grown more comfortable as a front-woman, relying on herself to drive the show rather than looking side-to-side to her sister and the band, as opposed to old days). Dia had to make the effort to include her band more, which was very different (for obvious reasons).

Dia, and the band, has definitely become performers rather than plain musicians, which is probably the sole reason for all the differences I've noted.

After the Show Party/Event

Being a long-term fan has definitely been worth it, and the band definitely takes note of it. Vil (friend of the band, who also drew the artwork for their first "Our Home Is Gone [EP]") and a couple of the other boardies organized an after-show (in which we had to find Vil so he can keep check of how many people there were). The after show event turned into a sort of  "meet and greet", rather than a hang-out in which was initially intended. Being in the same room, talking and chatting with the band was so surreal. I thought I would've never made the day... This was quite an accomplishment for me, because, for a band I've grown so attached and devote to for what seems an entire childhood and adolescence, and to finally have the chance to be with them, after I've grown to know so much about them over the years and to have made it to this point... It was something special. And it definitely affirmed a lot of my feelings for the band.

The band members themselves were great. I handed Carlo my letter/gift to them onstage, and he immediately said, "Hey, you're Rachel right?" I was shocked and said, "Yeah... How'd you know who I was?!" "I've seen you on Facebook and stuff." (It makes sense, since he's also watched my videos and even commented my live performance of "Here, Here and Here".) While they were cleaning up the stage, he reassured me, "It may not look like I appreciate this but I really do!" He continued to quickly pack everything up. Upstairs, I talked with Dia a bit and gave her my brother's "Twan & Dia" poster, and asked her if she recognized it. She laughed and said, "Yeah!" and showed it to Mike (their old-time manager). I would say, "Carlo!" to Carlo as he passed by, and at one point Dia got locked out of the room as she was banging on the door. I finally met familiar faces face-to-face and chatted with other boardies, who were feeling as weird as we were! I ended up being the one mostly to initiate the interactions with the band members (since, as Matt said, they seemed to know me the most). I snagged a photo with Carlo who is always so friendly. I had a brief encounter with Meg and asked for a photo. I waited to be with Jonathan and told him, "I know you hate taking photos but can we have a photo with you?!" He responded with, "Ahhhh, here we go..." (in a joking way, of course) and we ended up taking 2 shots since he was so uncomfortable taking the first! Then, as they were trying to close the place up after a little more than an hour up there, I scurried my way over to Nick and had an awesome conversation with him. I asked him, "So how's tour going?" He said it's been long but he's been enjoying it... He was glad to have made it out to this show because, "This was the show that really mattered... I mean, you guys have been with us since the beginning," so this was their way of paying us back. Nick definitely loved it and had a great time, as he keeps posting up with Facebook comments how much he loves all of us. I also mentioned how Carlo seemed to know who I already was from online stuff, and he said, "Yeah, Carlo is the only one who keeps up with all of that stuff... I like to be self-centered and just check for my stuff to see, 'Is that how I really look like onstage?!'" Nick's always been the sweetest and he was kind enough to take a quick photo with me before I left. Afterwards, we took a boardie photo and finally hit the road with the rest of our caravan (well, to Ihop first!).

What's Next?

So, there's my recap of the entire night. I apologize if this seems like a novel to you I tried to keep it as short and concise as I can!), but not enough words can ever amount to how amazing an experience this was for me.

I have to say that this show has really affirmed a lot of things for me. I oftentimes have written in the past how it can sometimes hurt whenever I would listen to their music. I would even avoid listening to their music for weeks because there's some sort of special attachment I have to them that I don't want to lose--or even acknowledge--by repeatedly listening to them.

Have you ever had some sort of special memento or key to your past that just unlocked and triggered all these memories and emotions you felt at a specific moment in your life? Or have you ever had some significant figure in your life that really left an imprint on your life, or your heart?

That is what Meg & Dia has done for me. As that shy little quiet and bashful 12-year-old girl, their music really triggered something in me. With no absolute idea or direction of what I wanted to pursue, or what I wanted to do with my life, or even what my own hobbies and interests were beyond scoring good grades and staying home playing video games with my brothers, their music, their words, and their voices truly spoke to me. They gave me light. They gave me wisdom. They gave me an understanding of why I felt the way I did. They made me feel less alone. They made me realize my love for English. They made me believe that my thoughts were above anyone else’s. They helped me tap into my untapped potentials. They uplifted my spirits and encouraged me to just be me at times I felt so insecure of myself. And—they let me have a purpose. (...)

When you come across some old memory or item or token to your past (or, in this case, each and every Meg & Dia song for me), you remember why exactly you are where you are. Whether it’s Home or a simple memory, coming back to it and embracing all it was and still is will help you come to terms with your true self. You’ll remember why it was so important to you, or why it may even have hurt you so much. You’ll remember the emotions you felt—whether you feel it again or not—and you’ll remember how far you’ve come since then. How much you’ve grown. And why you’re going the way you are going. (Blog Source)

I feel like it's been such a long tread for me with Meg & Dia. I've always been wary of my becoming "too attached" to them because I didn't want to grow into one of their obsessive fans, or even pin my own happiness on them. That's why, I find, their music can sometimes hurt me. Because every time they remind me of the dream I've had ever since I was that shy little insecure 12-year-old girl. They remind me of my want and need to pursue it... But I find myself always being too critical, too self-conscious, and too much of a perfectionist when it comes to everything I write, play, and create.

It's all about letting go. As Meg & Dia (and Dia Frampton herself) have been garnering so much success within the past year, and "The Voice" triggering all these different turn of events, it's been easier for me to let go of that

... small indie-rock band formed by sisters Meg and Dia Frampton [who] defies the rules of songwriting and writes of topics which mean the most to them – life, love, and literature. Their songs consist not only of heartbreak and the never-ending journey in life, but also religion, politics, and other topics of maturity beyond the ripe ages of 22 and 25. (Blog Source)

As my best friend told me on the verge of their emerging success, they were that "crutch" I had when it came to my music. They were what I relied on. Now is the best time for me to really "let go" and just be me. She could've never been any more true (side note: the cool thing about us is that, whenever we talk to each other, we seem to bring light to things we already knew in ourselves, but have never been put forth until it reached the tip of our own tongues). With their emerging success, changing styles and growth and maturity, it's really been easier to let go of my prior infatuation with them. I'll say it: They've shaped who I am, and I owe a lot to them, as I wrote them in my gift. Without them, I don't think I would be half of who I am. I'll always be an avid and devote fan, coming out to their shows at every second I can get, because... They are like Home to me. They are that memory and key to your past you can never let go of. But now, it's time to do Me.

My Compilation Video of the Night


+ more [click link]
American Tomahawk - "Unknown" (Snippet)
Jarrod Gorbel (Accompanied by Dre Babinski) - "Miserable Without You" (Snippet)
Dia Frampton - "Don't Kick The Chair" into "Isabella"
Dia Frampton - "Trapeze"
Meg & Dia - "Bandits"
Dia Frampton - "The Most Beautiful (Boy In The Room)" (Flight of the Conchords Cover)
Meg & Dia - "Roses" [Encore Performance]
Carlo Tricks us into playing "Indiana" during encore

I'm so glad they loved my gift!

Ever since my first concert with them in 2007, I've always wanted to give something back to Meg & Dia as a token of my gratitude to them. I figure that, with first-time excitement, second-time awkwardness, third-time nerves, fourth-time limitations, and fifth-time distance... This sixth-time seeing them would make us both--from performer to audience-member--comfortable in our own two shoes. I've always figured that the time would come when I actually do give them something... And, after 6 years, I think enough time has been given, with a lot of growth, change, and some getting older, to actually give something, and have it make sense.






I bought this dreamcatcher for myself earlier this quarter--something that I'd hope would be of sentimental value--but, I can't force those things onto myself. I'd rather have it be in better hands. It's just a little something, from me to them!

While I've spent the past two weeks procrastinating on all my work, being behind on two week's worth of reading for a rigorous final on Monday, I pray that all my procrastination will be worth it tomorrow when I finally get to witness another long-awaited "Meg & Dia" concert (technically, "Dia Frampton") after 3 years of waiting, and 2 hopeless TV-show attempts, to bask in their glory! I just wanna listen to some real good live music. That's all. My birthday 'playing' is still runnin' along; is this a good way to be starting off 19?

Nineteen

"Another year older, another year wiser," they say.

That may be true, but, every birthday, I find myself taking a second to look back on past years, seeing where I was at that point in my life, and how much I've changed within the past year. For the first time, I believe I can say, with confidence, that I am done with Eighteen.

18 was a big year for me. I remember the day very briefly: I welcomed it in the morning with the sweet melodies of Samantha James, Meg & Dia, and Hall & Oates, with a voice-message left by a very fond friend of mine; I opened my arms to the love of my first admittance of a Best Friend, and spent the day swarmed with messages of Kai-love and messages blowing up my Facebook wall and phone; I remember sitting quietly in 3rd period Economics as I hold back my cackles as I'm about to pee in my pants from a letter my Best Friend gave me; my really good school and Kai-buddy baked me cupcakes which I shared with friends at break, as I eat lunch with my Kai-leader family (which always seems to bring an aura of genuine happiness and care for and with each other whenever we're brought together); I end the school day walking the halls of De La Salle to greet all of my guy friends, and continue with an adventure at home with music with my Best Friend. Everything I could've asked for brought to me in one day... This day turned the tables on how I previously saw birthdays as "nothing to be thrilled about".

"It is not just another day. This day is a testimony of your life, this is a declaration of your significance. Today is important and I expect you to treat it as such. But whether it be today or the next day or some day in June, know that I am down to be there for you for anything, whenever you need me, I'll make the effort to help you out. Remember, I am your friend." - @ayanagiann

The day I began my eighteenth year set the pace for how the rest of my year went in a nutshell, ironically enough. I laughed more, smiled more, and had the confidence to really show people who I am. I opened myself up to the love of friendship for the first time. I lived a 4-month long summer in the best way possible, keeping intact with my Kariktan family performing strings of summer performances and spending countless days and nights with my brothers and family at concerts and shows. I've left my sheltered home for the first time, and brought myself to really grow in my music and writing... Eighteen was the year I set my best self forward, continually growing.

As my second quarter here at UCI has been coming to a close, I find myself feeling more and more unmotivated, finding myself in a state of constant "elsewhere-ness"-- something so familiar to my first 3 years in high school. Repetition is beating down the back of my neck, while everything I've been involving myself in doesn't seem to offer what I was looking for anymore. Instead of living wholly in present moment--being as appreciative, enthusiastic, and happy with the now--I find myself drifting off into the disease of what brought so much angst and loneliness my first 3 years of high school: the yearning for a constant, better tomorrow.

It's a good thing to find myself ending my eighteenth year on a good, happy notes, as I enter my nineteenth out of "la la land" and into the reality of what it is I want for my future.

I've been blessed with such good company while I've been down here, and they have definitely made my first birthday away from home quite enjoyable. Although being down here isn't much a "home" for me yet, they have helped create a community in which I feel as if I can belong, bringing me new dimensions in my life that help me see who I really am. That is quite a blessing in itself.

Nineteen: my final year as a teenager; I expect you to be a year in which you challenge me to help me transition into those roaring 20's. In my prior year, you let me be me; now is time to be me on a grand scale. Changing focus? I think so.

Within the past week, I've been feeling shaken a number of times.

Growing up, I've been born and raised on Catholicism. I've gone to a private Catholic school for 13 years and have been sheltered in the same community since then. With that comes the ritualistic receiving of sacraments and going through the motions of things to deepen my commitment. With age, I became more skeptical of things and found disharmony in the separation of religions. I found religion as a more spiritual pursuit--a way for me to become more in tune with my self-hood and used it as a tool for self-discovery.

To have grown up on something since I was born and baptized into it, Catholicism has become a sort of Home to me. I find that with my being away for college, I've become more appreciative of what religion has had to offer me. Every time I attend mass, it reminds me of what I've grown up on, and the values I uphold in it. It brings me back and reminds me of Home.

During last week's Ash Wednesday mass, I found myself sitting in a crowded pool of dozens of other UCI students in a small, heated space on a very hot afternoon. With a guy trying to hit on me to my left, and two brief friends sitting with me to my right, I found myself enclosing myself into my own world, reflecting on everything the priest was saying about the season, and reflecting on my own compassionate nature that has been so apparent before, but has died within me in the academic arena. I remembered Kairos. Love. And Faith in people. I grew nostalgic, and extremely longed to be just as I was at that time in my life.

Within a moment's heartbeat, the familiar sounds of those softly caressed piano keys, recalling a memory of just 14 years ago, came rushing out of the speakers, filling up the entire room. It brought upon a particular poignant feeling that recalls an old memory: My Father.

Just 3 days later, I would be arriving back home for a brief visit to see my family--the family I've long been disconnected with and have lost touch with over the years, due to a tragic incident that happened to my father when I was 4, and almost broke my entire relation with that side of the family. At my grandma's own birthday party that day, I looked into the eyes of my dad's old relatives, and felt a sense of longing within them. The hesitation, the watered, deep eyes, and the anticipated questions and favors in hopes of finding a little piece of my father through the acts, behaviors, and successes of me and my own two brothers, were deeply felt. Perhaps they were still suffering or not, the sight of us, and the remembrance of my father through us, was felt.

Every time I reconnect and have small conversations with a few of my relatives in relation to my dad, I always feel as if there's a sense of loss hope. A mutual feeling that we both wish we could have stayed in touch over the years, because those few old memories were so special, that having cut off good relations is disturbing. Indeed, it is sad to feel you've grown distant from anyone you've felt a strong kinship to, but in this case, it's as if there's no real hope. We both know that the next time we may cross paths is entirely uncertain and can't be gauged.

While attending Sunday mass with my mother and my grandma on my mom's side--what do you know: that same song comes striking into our ears as we prepare to receive the Eucharist. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to race, my breathing patterns becoming significantly heavier, and my voice becoming choked up as I hold back watered eyes that may shed a waterfall in a single crack. I can feel my mother growing suddenly disturbed and quiet, even without a single glance at each other. I cannot even imagine the recall of the pain that must have gone through her in the years surrounding my father's incident. To be reminded of something you've spent more than a decade successfully defeating-- it's as if all your efforts building up those walls for protection are instantaneously broken the moment that melody reaches your ear... and then your heart... and then who knows what else.

These memories and recalls of that song haven't been so apparent nor frank until now. I wonder: Why now? Maybe it's because He wants me to reconnect and rediscover my father. Who he was. What he was. And what he was to my family.

Maybe he is the token to my past that will unlock some sort of discovery I need to find in myself. Who knows? But it may be my mission to find out the story of my father.

Lenten Goals 2012 (Check-in)

Today we finish the first four days of Lent. These can be a warm-up to help us get the feel of this "40 day" season. Take another look at your Lenten plans and possibly make some adjustments.

1. Mind: No unnecessary "I don't know"'s and "I'm sorry"'s. Continue to practice being more direct with wants and to share fondness openly. No excesses and clutter- live a simple living.
2. Body: No ice cream at commons. No over-eating. Be more green in eating. "You are what you eat."
3. Soul: Play guitar at least once everyday. Blog and write frequently. Finish one unfinished song during the 40 days of Lent.

Lent, for me, is all about overcoming the weaknesses I may have in myself. "I've got the willpower when it comes to some things, but I just can't seem to get anything moving in these other parts of my life. It's like I'm paralyzed." What I ask for this Lent, is to heal my paralysis in that I can do something about the parts of my life I want to change. To be a good person, but to also become a better one in my relationships with myself, others, and the spiritual senses, is what I wholly aim for. To hold confidence in all I am, and to not be afraid and back down, is what I hope to attain. If "I am the sum of my experiences," let my experiences speak to something- someone. To be a guiding light, but to also remember the light that brings me back Home- Home is with You.

When I'm feeling down, unexpected surprises seem to bring me back on my feet again. I couldn't be any more grateful.

You are one of the very reasons and my motivation to help me keep on going.... to help me keep on being me: for the pursuit of finding myself through my music, my writing, and my relationships with others. Thank you. so much.

 

It's funny. Ever since I was 12-years-old, I always dreamed of what it would be like to have a Valentine. Romantic dinner date nights, strolling under city lights wrapped up in the scent of roses and chocolate, all with someone you really love... It's a very childlike fantasy.

Last year, I had the rare opportunity to ask someone; but, thankfully, things were already "rolling in the deep" that life took me to where I was supposed to belong at that time of the year. "Scattered in a sea" of uncertainty and living by pleasing others' wishes, I came to terms with myself and what it is I wanted. With all the love, confidence, and belief I had in myself and my relationships with others, my tremendous growth came with me as I went to college. I was focused on me: to further my music, my writing, and my overall status and growth as an individual, as well as making imprints on the lives of those I loved. This was the time for me to live life in the way I wanted to. ...and you can bet that that is how people have perceived me here: I've made no motives to want something else.

I'm not sure how I feel about this year's Valentine's Day. This day, to me, has always been a day that passes with no key special gifts being given or received, or hopes to dream up of. It was a day for me to smile at other couples and dream of the day I'd be in my mid-20s or so with someone to share it with. At these times, I realize just how happy I am being me--single and all. Love, to me, would only come (and I'd graciously accept it) when I feel most ready to accept it.

From a good hallmate friend of mine giving me chocolates in the morning and a bear and a rose at night, with being asked to Semi-Formal (sneakily) in the middle of it all... Why does it all give me such a strange feeling? Why am I not ecstatic? Why do I kindly accept these gifts and invitations with a nice hug, smile, but no felt emotions? Why, when I look at these gifts, do I look in disappointment?

It's the feeling of not wanting to disappoint. The feeling of not being able to reciprocate those same feelings back. It brings me back to what I felt awful about a year ago--how I could care about someone so much, but could never ever have been able to give them those same feelings they deserved back. I'm not sure how to react, and I feel so heartless and cold by not being able to love back, but the secret notion of them expecting something more from me, or maybe just wanting to spend some of their precious time with me to keep them happy--that haunts me. And it brings me back full circle again.

“Being an ethnic and being Filipino, they don’t write roles for you. You need to deliver and have mastery over what you’re doing. You have to show you can be better than the white kids… If you’re a writer, write! If you’re a singer, sing! The best artists out there don’t make it because they’re too afraid and stop. And those who do make it aren’t even the best.”
— Dante Basco

Whether it be the bow ties, the polka-dotted dresses, or the handsome men with handlebar mustaches, it's times like these that remind you just how lucky (and happy) you are to be just where you are.

I admit, I haven't been feeling my best and I've been getting a little burnt out with school, but, I find that it's always been important to refuel your senses (even if it means putting off your midterm studying) in order for you to function at your best. After such a beautiful weekend catching up with two of my very good and dear friends from back home, it's a wonder how reality can come striking at your front door and you are met with overwhelming obligations (leading to missing meals), disconnect from hall friends and fun (with people wondering where you are), and distance from those I've loved most here (with you realizing just how much a home you've built with them).

When I'm at my lowest, I write. I pick up my guitar and purge all of my emotions into it. I pull up my computer, turn on the recorder, and record myself singing covers of songs my poor heart desires. The feeling of hearing how I sound is very uplifting. Some days I go, "Wow, I have so much potential..." Other times, I go, "Wow, you sound terrible! You need so much work! No wonder you don't sing to other people!" Whatever it be, doing this makes me feel most in touch with me. This reminds of what it is I've loved for so long, and what I've enjoyed for so long: that whatever low I am feeling can be uplifted by just a simple act. After all, when you're at your lowest, your creative juices tend to flow the most. Your heart--at this moment--feels the most.


I haven't laughed in a long time. I haven't stayed up 'til 5am in a long time. I haven't leaped my way to the UTC, sprinted around corners and streetlights like a fiend, nor really smiled at people in a long time. It's those moments where I find home again--in myself, and in my relations with others--do I find my way out of the cave again.

La La Land never felt so good since those early spring days. To Tomorrowland!* indeed.

*click to LT4

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
- Yoda 

I met up with an old friend yesterday. He came by in response to a letter I wrote to him just a week ago, in hopes of resolving all of the unresolved tensions and confusions that have ensued in our senior year and the summer following. I haven't spoken to him in ages, but I suppose something resonated. To have had this moment where, for once, we finally shared a mutual understanding of where the other stood in terms of our friendship and our disclosed past, brought light to where we, as individuals, were headed.

Throughout the past year, I've learned a lot about love, life, past relationships, internal conflicts, and insecurities bothering those of others and myself. I have a lot of people to thank for that, which has made the year 2011 such a defining and the most heart-warming year of them all for me. I was genuinely my happiest, with all the love in my heart, an enthusiasm for what's to come, and an unbeatable sense of contentedness and belief in myself.

To have someone in my life who has seen and witnessed all of that, even if he/she wasn't entirely involved in my transformation, is a beautiful thing. All I can ever be is thankful for it.

As we strolled through Aldrich Park, I could gauge there was a sense of uneasiness in his demeanor. Perhaps he's thought long and hard about what to do and what to say, while I was just here for him: to help him find closure in Us. The warmness of the air was comforting, and the light breeze made the day absolutely perfect. It's been awhile since I've seen a beautiful day down here. As we found a bench to sit on, I've never seen Aldrich Park look any more beautiful. It kind of reminds me of the scene in (500) Days of Summer where Tom and Summer shared a moment on the bench overlooking the city. But, beside the fact, he found that there was never any wrong in any of our doings within the past year. He said I was too sweet of a girl to have done any wrong to him, and we were just a pair of confused teenagers not sure what we were looking for in each other. But, we found that our mutual care and respect for the other was what kept us, somehow, meeting again on that very day on a late afternoon in January.

I cannot gauge what will ever happen to Us. Perhaps only time can tell, but God will make happen what will happen. After all, I've found faith in what He has me think and feel. There's no coincidence in it.

For all you living in fear of what will happen to any relationship--romantic or not--and whether your heart or efforts are in it more than the other, I think it's most important to remember that the ones who are supposed to stay will stay. From my experience, I've seen people come and go, and friendships fading away all the time. I've been blessed with a handful of family and friends who have stuck with me; but, what has made it easiest for me to continue on with my life is my manner of never growing an absolute dependence and attachment to them. To refer back to Mr. Yoda above (I first watched it just this past winter break!), he once said, "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side... Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is... Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Having complete faith in what people have to offer you, but not expecting more to come, is something that makes appreciating relationships that much easier. The light side all depends on you.

Don’t you sometimes find it sad how school can really limit you from working on the more important and rather beneficial things in your life? The things you love?

I’ve written a bunch of incomplete songs in the past weeks and months, and learned a handful of new songs I’d love to cover. I’ve got great video ideas in my mind, but it’s just a matter of finding the time to do it all, with my scheduling of classes, events, and other school-related things restricting me.

I don’t want this musical zest to go away!

To note, here are a few of the songs I plan to cover sometime soon:

1. Shy That Way - Tristan Prettyman/Jason Mraz
2. Something - The Beatles
3. Postcards From Italy - Beirut
4. Belle - Jack Johnson
5. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Where has my connection to the musical world of cyberspace gone?!

A Humble Abode

I've been going through a lot of self-reflection lately, and I guess that's what the season does to you. When you've got a tad homesickness + real sickness + thoughts about life in the long run kicking in, moments like these are bound to happen.

It's easier said than done, and I find myself throwing phrases like this all around the year at different times and phases of life, but: Remind yourself to slow down and relax.

I think growing up in such a slow-paced suburban "smell the roses" kind-of-town where everybody grew up on family and Catholicism, it was easy for a wide-eyed girl like me to dream of what it would be like to get out there into the world and really make a difference. It didn't help that I first started blogging 7 years ago (with my brothers and few older friends taking notice of my talent), that I wanted to be a songwriter in the 3rd grade, and that I even ventured into looking into film cameos and the like by my sophomore year. I guess I felt my life always served a bigger purpose, and the more and more I keenly looked into the lives of my friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn't just an ordinary girl like the ones I saw around me. I was a thinker, exploring different mental capacities and ideas, as inspired from my first profound influence--J.E.M.--in my life. I was a dreamer, always trying to make a name for herself in the small community I found myself in, as can be found through my writing and musical pursuits. I was a Romantic, both in its artful aestheticism and in its lovey-dovey-ness, as seen through my interest in culture and the individual. As a thinker, a dreamer, and a Romantic, I yearned to make a name for myself through Art. Because, as it were, I found myself to have a talent in it: dance found me in the 6th grade, and I've grown into a full-fledged performing artist; writing found me in grade school, but was finally tapped into as my sophomore English teacher really pushed me to further my talents; music found me when I nagged my brother for his guitar and signed up for lessons with a teacher who constantly said, "I've taught a lot of students over the years, but no one has picked it up quite as quickly as you."

Some have said I've always been a "humble ship". That I tend to float around, happy as a bumble bee, enjoying the company of a family who loves her, friends who care for her, and a people who both learn and grow from her. I was never one who found the need, just yet, to settle down with someone, for I had my own dreams I wished to pursue and other things in mind. I always sought a peaceful lifestyle in which I could grow from that girl who always sat in the back of the classroom and didn't talk much, but who always seemed to be smiling to whoever caught her eye. There was an innocence. There was a deepness. And there was a pure presence in the moment of the dream.

I've always wanted to get out there, but, somehow, something deep inside me is telling me that I can find pure comfort in getting there, but not in the way I had at first imagined. Perhaps a quieter approach to it, as my modesty has always been written on, and my subtlety in nature has always provided; a "background" approach, in which I can still change, challenge, and inspire minds that allow me to live the simple life I wish to live, as I've grown up on, but also the "crazier", out-of-the-ordinary side of life I've always sought; a place somewhere in-between, for the experiences in my life that have meant the most to me remind me of the exact pleasure I can have from being me and utilizing my talents in a community garnered toward a more intimate kind of audience. A more intimate kind of success--more personal, more sincere, and true to who I am.

I may just rambling right now (this time of the year tends to do that to me), but, I must never forget what my talents have brought me. Yes, impatience in achieving an ideal sense of progress is bound to happen, but, I have to learn to stop being so steadfast. I can't control the ways of the world, but I can control how I utilize my talents right now. To live, to love, to be a good person... Don't get too wrapped up into your own issues too much. There's a whole of a hell of a lot better world out there waiting for you. Take time to stop and smell the roses, and if it takes two to tango, you better learn to tango! "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself... Like this, journey never ends... Like you were sent to me [for a reason]..." You live and get by, but make it worthwhile. Know in your heart that this is what you love to do.

At the end of the day (with a tired eye and note to self)

Sometimes, it takes the small friendly encounters, the brief moments with loved ones, and the slaps-in-the-face that make you feel so entirely grateful.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seemed to "fit"? Where everything, at first, seemed so minor and insignificant, but, at the end of the day, you find yourself smiling and feeling plain good about yourself? I think it always takes me a few days and moments with people to finally settle in and feel comfortable with where I am--finding the cures to kill homesickness. At times, I just feel so darn naïve when I find myself complaining about things I admit to myself. Who wouldn't, right?

I've found in myself that when I have a little "hope" to uphold in myself--some minor goal or thing to look forward to--it tends to become easier to get through the rubble (or "weed through the rubble" as Meg Frampton would say). My life, as I see it now, has always been based off of Opportunity. And, when I open myself up to as many opportunities I can, I am able to pick-and-choose (sometimes willingly and unwillingly) the ones which most coincide with what I want to accomplish--my life goals. Who'da'thunk a shy young girl like me would ever be transformed into some elegant soloist and performing artist at such a ripe young age? Who'da'thunk I'd ever have the guts to bear my life and soul in front of girls I've barely had the chance to know? I find these moments my most defining, and most fulfilling opportunities I've had throughout my life. It's all about the element of surprising yourself with what you're actually capable of, and having a "Wow" moment with yourself. Too many times, I find myself living on others hand-and-foot just because of my innate tendency to empathize with people and to retain that "good, gentle, and humble" spirit. I too often see the good in people (which may have its downfalls) that it becomes easy for me to constantly please. But, it's these moments where I take a step back and totally own myself, and take control of what I want to do, that I feel most fulfilled. Of course you've always gotta have that balance, and too much satisfaction is a life incomplete... But, I guess what scares me is when I don't really have a control over where my life goals are headed. Where I don't really know if they are headed anywhere, and I feel as if I'm living in "repeated motion", as I said in my last blog... (and, truth, we can never control aspects of our lives which are out of our control). As an idealist, I've always been out for self-improvement. As a human-being, I've always been out for a sense of peace and contentment within myself. But, with the two, you can never have both. Balance is key. My stars are written in Harmony, and that's what I ought to find in myself.

Long story short, it's the moments that bring you back Home to what you've known and loved the most: the small friendly encounters with like-minded people that remind you of what you've grown up on, and where you were from; the brief moments with loved ones that remind you of just how much love you have in your life; and the slaps-in-the-face that remind you that the little things that bother you today become so minor later on, for there's such a bigger world outside of you right now. Best you can do now is try as hard as you can to have a grasp on where you are headed in life, and continually try to bring yourself closer to that. Of course, some things may forever be unknown, but, as long as you are able to find your ground again, stepping your feet into the water and no longer feeling like a "fish out of water", you'll be Ok. Just take a long breath, pause, and look yourself in the mirror. Remember why it is you are where you are, and what you can do to make the most of what you have now. Think of what you have: not what you have not.

Artists are Introverts

This morning, I woke up to the sound of my roommate bustling around the room as she got ready for her class. I lied in bed, my eyes feeling strangely light as my normal tiredness wasn't wearing me down. I still had another 2 or so hours until my alarm was supposed to ring, but I remained motionless. I felt no need to go back to sleep and had no energy to get out of bed. I just lied there. Motionless. Emotionless. Nothing running through my head. Just still.

As I left Saturday morning with my brother and my mom to catch my noon flight, I kept telling myself, "Hold yourself together Rachel. You were a wreck last time you left home. You're not gonna break down now. Not now." It almost makes me laugh how sentimental I get. Have you ever heard of sentimentality being a disease? I remember as senior year was coming to a close, Ms. Strandberg--my Kairos 43 team leader--asked me how I was feeling about the end of the year coming. I told her that I wasn't ready to leave and wouldn't know what to do after graduation. She replied, "Do you get really sentimental? ... I was like that too. Just enjoy every last moment."

As the flight attendant greeted me with a warm hello, I smiled at her and said hello back. As I searched for a seat, I clumsily stuffed my big bulky guitar in the overhead carry-on (awkwardly, having some trouble) and was no longer enthused to continue a conversation with this elder man reading a book to my left, and a fellow UCI student to my right. I took out Faust--the book I was supposed to read for Winter Reading--and got a good long hour of reading. I think it's good to note that one thing I've always disliked was disclosing oneself off from the world in a social setting (i.e. listening to music while walking around campus, reading or writing in front of other people--this whole thing about setting yourself apart from people rather than wholly being there in the present).

I think the longer and longer I am here, the more and more impatient I've become. I'm losing motivation, and it scares me. Have you ever heard the saying that "all artists are introverts"? Now, I usually keep my spirits up by surrounding myself with lovely people. I've said before that I "thrive off of social connection", and it's true--nothing's more terrifying than loneliness. Lately, I've been finding it hard to keep up interactions. My head begins to throb and I feel as if people are sucking the life out of me. It sounds terribly depressing to say, but I can tell you I haven't had this feeling since I was a junior in high school. I don't want to say I'm regressing just yet, because it scares me, but I feel myself losing myself a little. It's almost like I constantly feel the need to escape and resort back to my room with a nice journal and music playing in the background. But as I am doing that right now, it hurts me. The music hurts me. It haunts me. Because at this very moment, I know that that is what I want to be doing. That that is what I should be doing. But, instead, I'm here. Lying still. Motionless. Ejecting ideas out of my head in hopes something can be made of it.

I look to my wall on my right and I stare at posters and passages of what people have said about me. From Kairos affirmations before and after leading Kairos, to notes from anonymous people praising and loving who I've become, and a note from a loved one reminding me how much love I can be capable of giving and receiving... I see all the highs from my senior year of good times with my best friend, old friends, Kairos-mates, family, and Kariktan... The "high" times that I've been feeling a bit deprived from. But, when I look at that wall I'm reminded of what I've learned from all of that. That that Love is always there. Feelings, moments, and experiences like that never go away: you can relive those moments, just not in the same scenarios. I once was like that at a moment in my life, and I can have that same familial feeling of Happiness. I can't keep feeling tired and uninspired for too long: it's all just a passing phase-- But, is it just a phase if these ideas constantly haunt me from time to time? The same things, just felt at different degrees, levels, and times? Sometimes, it's as if it were a voice passing with the wind, and other times it feels like a waterfall pouring out of my body. But, it's still that same thing that I've always wanted and needed. My disturbed soul is coming to the forefront again-- I'm acknowledging all of my insecurities, doubts, and disturbances all at the same time. It's healthy to some degree, but unhealthy when it causes me to feel as if life is being sucked out of me, and things that used to make me happy just don't seem to feel the same.

My second quarter. My best friend told me how she went through her second quarter fairly rough. Seeing to it as that we always seem to be living our lives in parallel, I've a feeling mine will turn out to be fairly similar. This will be a long quarter. I already know it.

~

The more and more I analyze these works of art, the more and more I feel as if "I've done this already" and I'm living my life in "repeated motion". I guess I've grown tired of it. I've always been a drifting soul-- someone who always wanted more than what she had, which, in turn, has caused me to take some things for granted. Albeit, I've work to do in myself, but I'm one of those people who will never be okay with settling with something else rather than her passion. Her art. I'm one of those people who need it to breathe, and everything else just seems to be a distraction. I need to feel secure in that I am working towards something I will be happy about--of worth. As much as I am thrown, showered in, and given all the love and care in the world, I become nothing without my Art. I need to feel as if I'm constantly growing and improving. That my life lives a purpose. And for one who has always been so focused on creating healthy atmospheres with friends with no conflict whatsoever, and making sure they feel the love they need to feel when they need it, it's all gone in the past days.

~

In a place where everyone becomes a Nobody and you feel no less significant, the artist suffocates. That is why the artist is the introvert: It's all in the head. I've always believed all of the best art is felt.

These moments remind me that I'm alive. Why I'm alive. It brings me back to the beginning and root of my existence: "Without suffering there would be no compassion."