"What are you even here for? Do you need this?"

One of my good friends I've made here at UCI (and one of the very first few I've made here) has been able to spend a good amount of time with me these past few days. I'll call her Fountainhead. We've shared so many little moments where we really bonded, even if nothing much was said. Even with our goofiness, the matters of the heart started to seep through... Ever since she asked, "What are you even here for? Do you need this?" so many things have been running through my mind. The moment she broke down as I brought up my own dreams and aspirations, we had a moment. Surprisingly, she seemed to be going through the same thing as me. I haven't had something like that in any one else I've met here at UCI, and when she broke down--this independent, easy-going, and silly person--I haven't been able to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. When she said it was the first time she's cried in front of people before in a really long time, it hit me. It's crazy how similar we are.

Have you ever just taken a step back and looked at yourself? I mean really look at yourself... Look at what you're doing with your life, and how you're living... You see things at face value, and sure: You're happy. But what is that very thing that makes you human underneath? That makes you feel emotional? To the point of bottling it up?

It's the dream you've had ever since you were 15-years-old. That dream you've devoted so much of your time to. So many weekends, nights in, vacations, blogs, and just encounters have always revolved around it... It's almost like a lover. How you think about him/her every day. How he/she crosses your mind every now and then and creeps up into your mind when you're doing a simple chore, and how so many things have a connection to him/her. How so much of your time and effort has been given to him/her... It's true. This dream has been my passionate lover for almost 4 years now, and whatever else I may have distracted myself with from it has been an affair, as silly as it sounds. The reason I never felt the need or want to pursue a relationship, or even to find "the One", was, not only because I'm patient and will wait for the right "One", but, because my mind has always been elsewhere. I've said it countless times over the years, and many people may not have understood what I meant whenever I said it. I would give them more by saying, "I'm not ready... I still have so much growth to do... There's still so much I want to do in life..." And, while those may be true, there's a reason why Jamie Sullivan is so important to me, and why the line: "You have to promise you won't fall in love with me" is so personal. Although I'm such a devote Meg & Dia fan, it still can hurt me so much whenever I listen to them or delve too deeply into "Meg and Dia land". Almost for the same reason as Fountainhead...

It absolutely broke my heart when Fountainhead told me, "It just hurts whenever I see you guys doing that [playing music]." I always wondered why she had such a talent with music yet, never wanted to show us, or let alone be around us. There's a reason, as there always is, for people to build up these walls around themselves. We all have them. And there's those few rare moments when you get to truly see those walls break down a little. A little light comes out and shines through your heart, and it warms you, so much. It's these moments that hit you the hardest, and make you love the most.

"High school made is so hard for me. I performed so much then and I just love that high you get when you perform." It began to make sense to me as to why she never wanted to play: It reminded her of what she couldn't have. The one thing that hurts me the most is when people have to give up what they love the most--what makes them alive, makes them breathe, and makes them feel passion. I think the reason it hurts me so much is that I could never ever imagine myself giving up my passion for music. It's gotten to the point where I need it to breathe--an unhealthy obsession. If I were to give it up, it'd bring me a horrific sense of failure... And I know it would creep up on me for the rest of my life. I'm more afraid of letting myself down and giving up who I am, than achieving an ideal sense of "success".

Ever since I first slipped into that pretty long traditional dress and plastered make-up and hairspray all-over my head when I was only 12-years-old, I knew I would have a lifelong passion for the performing arts. There's a sense of letting yourself go and slipping into an almost "different character", playing roles, that isn't entirely you, but yet--is you, because you've grown the comfort in what you are doing to express yourself.

"Rachel, you made me so emotional!" You have too, Fountainhead, and when someone has the ability to pull on my heartstrings like that, then that is something special.

Even though outside forces may be preventing you from doing what you truly want to do with your own life, don't give up what you love just for the sake of making their money worth it, Fountainhead. I'm afraid of wasting my money too, but allow this experience to nurture your love and growth as an individual. Make the most of all of the opportunities around you--they are flourishing without you when you stay behind. I know it hurts, but I'd rather see you fly than stuck behind bars... Because you know you can't have the life you want, doesn't mean you can't explore how much you can do with just what you have.

I need to tell myself things like this sometimes.

Everyone will notice Dia Frampton in "Red"

Dia Frampton's "Red", A Short Music Review

Living up to the album's name, Dia Frampton has titled her upcoming debut album "Red" in remembrance of a time she used to complain about no one noticing her at school, and her mom simply saying, "Wear red. Everyone notices it." With this album, Dia is sure to get some noteworthy attention from her listeners--both old and new.

Now, it usually is my tradition to give my own little insight and "review" into what I think and feel about an upcoming album from both Frampton sisters. But, for the first time, I am reviewing this album without the album and lyric sheet in my actual two hands. I should have known my pre-ordered album would be mailed to me ahead of time before I left college (just like "Here, Here And Here" was given me a couple weeks before release date!). And so, my album is patiently awaiting me back at home, yet, this doesn't mean I'm going to break tradition!

The album opens with Dia's second-released single "Don't Kick The Chair (Feat. Kid Cudi)". As the track slowly opens up with faint sounds of thunder, rain, wind, and a rocking chair, electronic drumbeats, incomprehensible over-dubbed syllables, and soft chiming bells give way to the anticipation of Dia saying, "Have you ever felt like everybody's watching, waiting for you to lose? Have you ever felt like you're living in a spotlight searching for the real you?" With a song written so deeply reflective and internal, the upbeat nature of the song serves as sort of a "lift" from a heavy burden weighing one down. By telling listeners to "don't kick the chair, it's gonna get better, don't kick the chair, it can only get better", Dia chimes in on the listener's heartstrings and gently pulls them in. Surprisingly, Dia's voice does well on this more upbeat, poppy commercial track, although, Kid Cudi's harsh break in the middle of the song can serve as a setback, as it's not only something not familiar to old Frampton fans, but it doesn't tend to flow well with Dia's drifting, lullaby-like vocals. Nonetheless, this song is extremely catchy and is still something to love as she grabs the attention of her listeners to hear what comes next.

The next track is the upbeat, country-pop driven song "Isabella", immediately giving insight into how the rest of the album will run. Accompanied with a lightly-plucked banjo and guitar, the lyrics so aptly match the song, as the momentum of the song's fast-paced drums build up to Dia's telling a so-called Isabella to "run away" for it's "never too late". It gives a few breaks in-between to sweetly tell the girl to "don't be afraid", for Dia herself has prepared for Isabella's getaway. As the second song in the album, I feel this song acts as a calling to Dia herself during this great change in her own personal life. "Why you hidin', why you stayin', maybe you don't think you have a choice" tells of Isabella's reluctancy to get outside, however, Dia assures her "don't you be afraid" for she's a "sleeping tiger" that needs to "come awake" to the great things that await her life out in the real world, just outside of her own humble little abode.

"The Broken Ones" is a beautiful piano-driven and orchestral-powered ballad that tells listeners that Dia loves "the broken ones who need the most patching up" and "who've never been loved". This deeply passionate and inspiring song from Dia, which has been released as a single and video, charmingly incorporates her sisters and Meg & Dia-bandmates. It definitely is inspiring to see the two most important things in Dia's life being incorporated in her one single moment to shine as Dia Frampton on her own two feet.

The fourth track on the album, "Good Boy", is a more lazily-driven pop song with Dia's natural country-ad-libs giving it a head-nodding, cute and folky feel as she calls out, "Charlie's such a good boy, good boy. Mama's crying out, where's he hiding? Charlie's such a good boy." If anything, listening to this song puts such a great smile on my face and warms the insides of my heart, so so much... This song leads to "I Will (Feat. Blake Shelton)", a slow-tempo and more stripped down song that gives way to reflection, which is needed after the album's first 4 songs of generally upbeat tracks. What gives this song such a special feeling is Blake Shelton's presence in the song, as they talk of always being there for each other and "always hav[ing] your back", which is very much reflected in their own relationship. Sweet lyrics like, "Who's gonna try to make you laugh? Remind your life ain't all that bad. I will, I will..." reflect their father-mentor relationship so well. Who can deny the utter sweetness of this song?

"Billy The Kid", which is the product of Dia's collaboration with Foster The People, serves an entirely different genre from the entire album. A techno, dance-driven song with a spooky feel, it opens with Dia's cautious, warning-based storytelling of a boy named Billy and his "gang of thugs", saying, "Now once upon a time when the West was old..." Initially, I was afraid Dia and the idea of a "dance-pop" song wouldn't work, but, to no surprise, Dia adds her own taste to the song by giving it a haunting and utterly deep feeling, familiar to old Meg & Dia fans when the girls would write of stories inspired from classic gothic novels. The song builds up in search of Billy The Kid as Dia says, "I've got you in my sights ... Where did you go? Why did he go? I've been around here waiting for so long, so long. And I'll wait for you." With airy, reverb-ed vocals and echoes, Dia gives the song an almost Halloween-like feel, closing the song with a spooky laugh that reminds listeners that this is just a story to listeners. If anything, this is definitely one song to remember and serves as one of my favorites on the album.

The next track is accompanied by just Dia and her acoustic guitar in "Daniel". As an avid fan, I first heard this song as a home-recorded video from her sister Jade, almost a year ago. To hear this song on her album reminds listeners that Dia is still Dia, even before her appearance on "The Voice". Songs as languid and simple as this is the root of the Frampton sisters' songwriting. As the singer-songwriter she's always been, Dia talks of a boy named Daniel, saying, "I didn't mean a word I said back then, Why'd you let me win?"  She then narrates by saying, "You couldn't follow me to LA, I should've never took that job, Now three years have passed and I still feel so wronged ... Why Daniel, wish you'd talk me out of it ... Why'd you let me walk away, I would've stayed ... You stood there with your palms out you're crying with silent... Why'd you let me win?" This song, as thoroughly heart-wrenching as its lyrics can serve, is a wonderful and simply raw and organic "break" throughout the duration of the album. This is Dia's moment in the album to simply do what she does best.

"Walk Away" serves as the perfect follow-up to the previous track, as it's calm, candid whistling and sway-driven caution to her listeners invite a toe-tapping, simply feel-good track. I often find myself nodding along to this song, as it opens up with a simple whistling-melody and bass-line, much in relation to Foster The People's "Pumped Up Kicks". Its message definitely stays true to who Dia is as a songwriter as she warns her listener of a "bullet with your name" and "you better run away, run away, run away ... either way you're schooled (?) there's nothing you can do". She continues to tell, "She's telling tales through telephone that make you cry up to the bone" and "she doesn't understand that love is what you give not giving up". Dia's naturally figurative and oftentimes canny songwriting has been rooted even in her Meg & Dia days, as this "caution" song, much like the "you better watch yourself" aspects of Meg & Dia's "Roses", is such a comfort to hear.

This is followed by the album's second-to-last ninth track "Bullseye", which is a wary-filled song that is accompanied with spooky, maybe dissonant, syllables resonating in the background and an underlying tone that builds up as the song proceeds. This song is almost the definition of "cool" in all of the album's songs, as I find that this song is one of the few in the second batch of songs that differ drastically from what we first heard in the more poppy and commercial-like songs heard in the beginning of the album. Dia cries out in the beginning, "We've gotta run, who will save me... Baby, it's the chain reaction, you'll see. It's a lonely, lonely world at a crazy, crazy speed. And you don't need no no distractions from me. It's a lonely, lonely world at a crazy, crazy speed... They've got it out for me." These last few songs, I say, have been my favorite and stay true to what Meg & Dia fans are more familiar to hearing. The deeper and somewhat darker feelings emitted from this song coupled with its hard-hitting lyrics serve as almost a caution for Dia herself; I feel that she's talking of the music industry having a "chain reaction" on the 'major' artists they sign, providing a truly "lonely lonely world" that moves at a "crazy crazy speed"... She warns her possible fans, lovers, and family that "[they] don't need no no distractions from me" and simply says at the end, "They've got it out for me." They've got Dia at the bullseye, and this is Dia's true reflection on herself.

The album ends with "Trapeze", which almost serves as Dia's anthem to what she hopes to accomplish, not only with this album, but at this moment in her life. The song opens with a simple chord progression and leads to a build-up of a soft drumbeat, a second guitar, and then a simple harmonic piano providing its own melody. The characteristics of the song are absolutely beautiful, as Dia speaks that "this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze, and I'll never tell you who I loved." As orchestra instruments begin to chime in to provide a more dramatic, emotional effect, she says, "But if I could tell you one thing, I would tell you I'm not leaving. If I could show you one thing, I'm my mistakes have shaped me, into who I am. And who I am just wants to make you whole..." This is almost Dia's personal message to her loved ones, apart from her new change starting in the music industry as a solo artist, or her storytelling of other girl's and boy's wary situations, or even her own situations in life... This song lies true to who and how she is, after such a ride of different stories and scenarios throughout the album. This track beautifully ends the album with Dia's message to the one(s) she loves... She is "not leaving" and her "mistakes have shaped [her]" and just "wants to make you whole".

Overall, I think this album has its key special trademarks. There's such a great diversity to this album, but it lies true to no single genre. Dia has created her own genre with this album, as it touches upon country pop to soft ballads to more upbeat, dance songs to the old familiar storytelling and darker songwriting. The album is well-balanced and, although I may be biased, I think this album serves as a great milestone for Dia. By searching back to her roots and home all-throughout the songwriting process of this album, Dia has been able to reflect on all of the situations in her life that have led her to where she is now--and the product of that search is the album "Red". Much more mature and holding so much more knowledge of the world around her than when she released her first studio album with her sister Meg in 2006, Dia is able to create songs that are true to her; whether they're sweet, spooky, fun, or just plain make you happy, Dia has captured what she wants in music with this album, but is well aware of the troubles and traps that may lie ahead of her. This is told through her wonderful songwriting and carefully chosen effects in instrumentation. With careful listening, one can easily see the talent that has always bred beneath this small-town Utah girl. Although her earlier songs with Meg & Dia have strictly strayed away from her country roots, Dia is able to incorporate all she's loved and learned throughout the years, mixing in her country roots with the darker rock of her early years, the poppy ballads she's obligingly sung on "The Voice", and the not-too-dancey-yet-still-fun songs that embrace the time she is in now. As Meg & Dia albums have been harder to promote years before due to its more "acquired" taste, I feel this album can easily be heard by anyone, and listeners will find that one or a few of the key songs they enjoy. As Dia has always been one to be both sweet and at-times dark in both her own life and in her songwriting, this album has greatly captured the essence of who Dia is.

Disclaimer: This doesn't include Dia's other songs released on iTunes ("Hearts Out To Dry" and "Homeless") or WalMart's special bonuses ("Love Can Come From Anywhere" and "Stairway To The Stars"). I will return to those later on but, to note, the iTunes exclusive tracks are absolutely beautiful, with "Hearts Out To Dry" written with and accompanied by her sister Meg. To old Meg & Dia fans, you'll love this song if you loved their songs from "Cocoon" or on their "Be Careful. I Love You. Stay In Touch. EP" dropcards. The WalMart exclusive's hold that dance-pop Dia talked so much of early on.

Go buy it in stores now or on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/album/red/id481761058

Art + Dreams

Tonight, I realized something...

It may be hard for a lot of people to wrap their minds around the fact that I do show such a particular interest in music--that I play guitar (as people say) very well, and that I write (I'd say) pretty decently--but don't sing, or even publish any of my own original songs, in public.

It's not that I'm terrible. If I were terrible, I'm sure I would "throw the towel in" and not have kept up with it for 5 years now.

It's not that I'm shy. If I were shy, I wouldn't be so outspoken about my fondness for music and profess my interests so much.

It's not that I'm proud. If I were proud, I wouldn't be so eager to learn from those around me.

Rather, I've found that it's just that I haven't grown the confidence, nor the comfort, in it. You know, the thought of dropping school altogether and really really pursuing a career in music by devoting all of my time to grow as an artist hasn't been too far off my mind... In fact, it crosses my mind a bit too much that I find myself telling myself, "No. No. You don't need a music major. You've asked countless music majors here. You should just keep on with your English and do your screenwriting. You're fine."

I find myself still wanting to do more... Sure, I want to pursue a career in writing and making films and songs and the such, but... I'm still young, right? Doesn't that mean I should do what I want to do now as a young person? The rest of my life can be devoted to writing, but my music is most important to me right now.

But so is not wasting my mother's hard-earned money. So is not risking it with the fear of failure. I came here to write and make music-- and whatever college degree can give me that, I'll be happy. But, those are all freelance jobs. What now?

Fear has always been one of my biggest enemies. To reduce that fear, I surround myself with everything I love, and bask in others' success in what I love. Great musicians, great screenwriters and authors... Why do I treasure and adore them so much? I think that doesn't even need to be answered... They fill up the spaces in my life I wish I had. Don't they all?

If I thought I were terrible at my Art, I'm sure I wouldn't be so persistent and heavy-handed on pursuing something with it... The fact that my elders and teachers have given me such great praise with my writing and my guitar-playing over the years have only given me confidence that I do have potential. And my job now is to only further that potential. I know I have the potential, and I know I can sing (maybe not comfortably), and I know I can make songs (not as well as I'd like), but getting to where I want to get is going to take a lot of work. I'm too much of a perfectionist and it's hard for me to settle for less. But, sometimes, I just need to face the fact that I still have a lot of progress to do, and it's OK.

While I'm here, I'm distracted with the things that keep me away from doing the dirty work. Rather, I'm frolicking through the daisies, getting-by with my confusion, with my mind truly elsewhere... This isn't where I want to be, but I hope this will lead me to where I want to be.

Innocent Hearts

For the longest time, I can guarantee that I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, January was a tough month, but this particular familiar feeling hasn't been here since, I dare say, more than one year ago: the moment I broke down for the first time in public, at school, just a year ago near the beginning of my senior year; you three were the ones who came to me, hating to see me that way, taking me in to do everything in your power to see me smile again.

You know, it really breaks my heart to know that I can never have that kind of moment with you anymore. That genuine care for me that first initially led me to open up to such a dark period in my life. You--one who was such a role model to me, who once said to me, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you." You--who once was the one who became my new companion when one left. And You--who sold yourself to me as the one who would always watch out for me.

Ever since April, I have been in the happiest state of my life. I can say that with clear candor and confidence. From April on, I've been filled with so much love, hope, optimism, friendship, joy, and a pure enthusiasm for life... Something that was so foreign to me year after year. My 4-month long summer really did give me enough time to fully appreciate my Home and do (almost) everything I wished to do. But, not until recently, I can feel myself falling, just a bit. And it scares me. Because I hate regression.

A friend told me more than a month ago, "You know. I was afraid that after senior year and Kairos and everything, you would go back to your old self. But, you seem like you've been fine and having fun and you're still outgoing. That makes me happy."

I've always been the kind of person that would feel an extreme sense of failure when I would set myself up for something great, only to disappoint myself in the end. After Kairos and continuing to live my life with full momentum after senior year, I would've done anything to not lose that momentum. To not lose that progress, that optimism, that positivity, that happiness. I've put myself out there so much my senior year--both in the bad and the good--and it only came with a benefit. I could never put all of that energy, and all of my efforts, to waste. To settle for less.

I think with all of the love and appreciation of my "happiness" and "more outgoing state", I've felt more inclined to never disappoint again--to always be happy and remain "more outgoing" (though, I still can't help if I'm bashfully shy, Mr. Stranger). I still remember what a good friend of mine said to me as senior year was coming to a close: "How have you been Rachel? I feel like you've been a lot happier these days."

My push to retain that "happiness" almost feels like a mask. I know that after being a Kairos leader, I was a light to so many girls. So many girls looked up to me the moment I stood up there at that podium and laid my whole heart on the floor, inspiring their little minds. Being a Kairos "mommy" was the best experience I've had in my entire life, and it marked the period of my life where I felt fully in control of myself. They looked up to me and, every now and then, they will remember Kairos and remember I was just one of the leaders to help them on their journey to where they may be now. It's always been my problem to never want to disappoint... But rather, I find myself always disappointing myself. Because I aim so high, see great things for me, when I haven't even set my foot in the water...

I guess, what I'm trying to get out of this, is that it pains me to allow myself to feel this way. I've always told myself that if I feel a certain way, I should make the most of that feeling, for that feeling can make great Art. It's real. It's true. It's the heart. "Something you say just might be what somebody else needs to hear."

For once, I just need to let myself feel vulnerable, not afraid of my disappointing others or letting them down, or internalizing my feeling for failure or a sense of "regression"... These are the true matters of my heart. Share it, love it, but don't drown yourself in it. There's nothing to fear when you're in the hands of the ones you love. "Without suffering there would be no compassion."

Make your heart grow innocent again.

Heartbreaker

I can feel it when a guy wants something more from me.

Those instances when I can be found in a room spending a little of my extra time with you guys, and you hover around me just a little while longer in hopes your spirits will be uplifted from just being around me.

You call my attention by coming up from behind me as I'm sitting down and you run your hands down my arms as a "friendly gesture".

While both seated, you glance over at my distant state and reach your hand towards my head. You entwine your fingers in my hair and start to play with it.

The next time I'm seated on a couch, you decide to sit on my lap. As you all tumble over the couch, you sit beside me and notice I'm "falling off" and tell me to sit on your lap.

You grab my hand when my hands are cold, but you hold it longer, holding my hand in a long clasp under sheets as a couple would do.

I notice your quick glances, up and down, believe it or not. You stand in front of me in a room, then cradle me into a hug with you--out of the blue.

You wish to someway, somehow, spend more time around me. Speak a little more words with me. And envision what it would be like to be with me.

And this is why They call me a Heartbreaker.

Sweet Disposition

I believe I have been absolutely blessed to have ended up with You.

You know, rewinding to just one year ago, college seemed like some far-off idea that would never happen. College was the last thing on my mind, for I didn't have my heart set on any university and I just wanted to make the most of my Senior Year. It amazes me at how much I've grown in just those 5 months from November to April--I've seen myself in so many different lights that it both haunts me but makes me so darn proud at the same time. I was so shy, insecure, and reluctant to open up about my dreams and passions then--the things that mean the most to me--and to have had such a great group of girls who walked me through my transformation of opening up and being the quirky, thoughtful, and adorable "Sassafrass" I know I am really couldn't have made the end of my Senior Year, and life at Carondelet, anymore sweeter.

I'm blessed to have had such little knowledge of where to go because He, in the end, led me to the right direction. My brother going to USF and sucking all my private school money and the other going to SJSU, leading me to believe I can aim for a greater college, led me on the UC-route. Cal, you ended up too prestigious for me, and Santa Cruz, you remain too outdoorsy for me. Irvine being the only college my friends didn't get accepted into and also having such a great English program gave me enough reason to be a fool to deny going here. And, little did I know, Irvine would bring me so much of my Home and cater to my own personal needs, all the same, in a foreign place.

The people here are absolutely wonderful. Yes, there are many asians on campus, but there is so much diversity around here that lets you find the right place for you. The people are absolutely friendly and, being one of the "happiest" campuses in the nation and a highly selective school, people are willing to care for each other. It's nice to have that effort of communal bonding in the dorms. The campus is also so reminiscent of De La Salle and Carondelet--the "rich white suburbia" stereotype reigns true to its buildings and campus. Irvine is too beautiful of a campus compared to surrounding schools and I can never get over it. The city itself is too much of a "safe escape" and, just like Disneyland, they would do anything to keep the "happiness" and "safety" of the city alive. Getting rid of hobos or street-wanderers? They are nowhere to be seen. I love having the ability to run around like free-spirited children at midnight or across lawns and parks and having no one judging or threatening me. I feel safe. And happy.

I think what I love most about UC Irvine is its amazing Arts community. Living in Mesa Court in the music hall, it's so comforting to have such great talents surrounding me every day--drama majors, theater majors, film majors, studio art majors, voice majors, music majors, and dance majors... You can never get enough of the people you see and meet here. Irvine's theater, concert, and show communities are absolutely beautiful, and having such a wide expanse of artistic talent allows me to cater to my inspiration any day. I've been learning so much on the guitar lately (I'm solo-ing now, what?!), and I've been slowing opening up about singing; writing is something that is being catered to as well... Living in a largely engineering, bio, and research-based college, it's so comforting to know there is a huge mass of artistic talent here. It gives me more confidence to actually pursue what I actually want to do... And it's an amazing thing how much you can learn from these other people.

My living situation is equally wonderful. My international roommate and I are both relatively quiet people which makes our room a good environment. She tends to go off at night and away the entire day so I have the room to myself a lot of the time--you have no idea how thankful I am for this, because I feel that every second of the rest of the day, I am constantly mingling and being distracted by my hallmates! I always feel the need to plug back in and rejuvenate, which is why my room is such a sweet escape... It's wonderful to constantly be doing things and still have the time to tend to my own needs (it could be that I've been given so much free time because of my relaxed schedule this quarter). Nonetheless, I've been eating well and soft-serve ice cream never ceases to please.

It's so strange to think that this upcoming week will already be Week 7 of 10. It will be so refreshing to be back Home, knowing it's the place I've grown up my entire life and that's shaped me into the person I am today. Going back Home kind of scares me a bit to be honest, just because I don't know what to expect or how it will feel (I know how weird and "empty" people feel when they return Home). But, I know I can never be bitter towards it. I know my life now belongs here in Irvine because this is where I'm living now, and where everything in my life is happening. Being away from Home has allowed me to grow in a place I can completely feel free to be me. It allows me to become aware of the things that I truly value in my life, and the people, places, and things that mean the most to me. The sentiments I hold onto stay true to my character; what I am here in college is who I am, period, at this point in my life. Learning more about myself? It's more like learning more about what I can do for myself.

There will be a time for Us, but right now, this is where I am. To have always lived a life finding where I belong, searching for my right footing and the things to hold onto, answering others needs, and never speaking up for what I want... This is the time I can actually feed myself some love, too. It's a sweet disposition.

How did you ever become friends with this girl?

It's no surprise. "How did you ever become friends with this girl?" I feel that throughout the past 6 years--middle school, high school, and beyond--some of the most profound relationships I have made to date have been based on that simple question. I can even say that my most precious and dear friendships have been based on the comment, "You two are so different."

Let me start from the beginning. Seventh grade. A crazy, loud, outgoing, and "in-your-face" girl just a year older than me wanted to befriend the shy, quiet, and soft-spoken seventh-grade me. She's tried since I was in the sixth grade to get me to open up to her, and when she got asked an offer to join the Kariktan Dance Company, she thought, "Well, this is a good chance to get to know her!" From that point on, I formed my first friendship that really clicked. She called me Little One and I called her Ate. There was an immense sense of understanding between us--we just knew where each other was coming from, as she would dump her thoughts and feelings about the events happening in her life on me. I'd share what little words of wisdom I could, and--frighteningly--I seemed to have a great wealth of wisdom at a young age--and my elder friends could see that. People would see this annoying, loud, and inappropriate girl on the outside spending too much time with the quiet, sweet, and innocent bystander, thinking she would "corrupt" me. Nobody knew or understood our friendship... Or even how strongly I resisted the influences. All they could see was that we enjoyed each others company too much.

Two years later, I find myself as a lonely and shy freshman sitting in a high school classroom full of upperclassmen sophomores, not knowing anybody. A girl behind me constantly nags me throughout the next few days, and weeks... "I really want to get this girl to talk!" If it weren't for her efforts in getting me to open up, I don't think we could've ever made such a great friendship so early on. Next thing you know, our goofy tendencies combined to the max and I find myself laughing as if there was no tomorrow--on the daily. Our fail attempt to become old ladies one Halloween leads us to calling each other Doris and Dolores--the Reese's ladies. But, inside of our goofy tendencies and random outbursts of laughter, we shared a common outlook. It became so easy for us to understand the other and sympathize with each other... I could never forget the one night our friendship strengthened and grew tremendously. My junior prom, as her eyes were watering, she was telling me, "You are one of the nicest girls in the world and he doesn't even know what he's doing. This is your prom and you deserve to be enjoying yourself. You don't deserve this." She saved my life that night.

Early in my freshman year, I met this wonderful girl who I thought was one darn gangster and "hypebeast"--something that was so opposite me. Somehow, we ended up finding each other in the same circle of friends, and we constantly were around each other. As our freshman years progressed, so did our friendship. Of course, that "gangster/hypebeast" prejudgment I had about her soon faded away, as I realized she was a girl of great faith, just as me. She had a secret passion for music as well, as she recalls our first conversation as being, "Oh, you're a Meg & Dia fan? Do you know the song 'Cardigan Weather'?" It was easy to see that she was outgoing and friendly and knew what she wanted to do, and, as we both grew over the years--together--we soon found ourselves calling each other Best Friend, because we really were. Although she was more outgoing, sure-of-herself, assertive, and a confident fashionista, it didn't seem to prevent a friendship with the quiet and reserved closet writer and musician from growing. But, we shared so many parallels in our lives. We thought on the same pages all the time--with great depth and creativity. We let each other know what the other knew already, in words. We shared an internal bond that wasn't entirely seen outside, with our strengths and weaknesses seeming to balance each other out so well--for, we brought the best out in each other. It wasn't until our senior year where we separated ourselves, for once, at our November Kairos. It wasn't until that moment in my life when I fully began to appreciate our friendship and become aware of all the love in my life, and all the potential she's seen in me that I didn't see in myself. And, whether we realized it or not, we've been, seen, and learned so much through and from each other that has amounted to our friendship today. We have always been the girls who were admired from afar, looked up to and taken care of, and put on such high pedestals whose humility beat ourselves up. And, the moment we found each other, we realized just how irreplaceable our friendship can be. "Today, I spent my Halloween with Rachel. Keep this girl close by to you." The term history may have grown trite over the years, but it's a wonderful thing what history can do and bring to a friendship. With it, comes familiarity and something that nobody can take away from you. There is a reason why we call each other Best Friend, and how we've never used that term lightly ever before.

Just a year later, forwarding to today, I find myself having left Home, packing all my bags of everything I've known, loved, experienced, and have been throughout all of my life, only to have brought them to someplace elsewhere, new, and foreign. But, with time, I soon realize just how familiar this place is. I realize how much at Home I can feel here. I reunite with the girl who so-called had a somewhat bad rep growing up as a crazy and loud girl--but I never saw that. I saw a true thinker that I saw in the past three aforementioned friendships. Just a year before having reunited, I found myself as being the first one whom she was able to perform a catharsis--a purging of all of her pent-up emotions on me after a painful occurrence as a form of release and cleansing. And man, was that one big night. To this day, I cannot be grateful for how much she's given me in the small amount of time we've already been given--and it's just the beginning. I can finally call myself Biking Rachel with her own theme song to bring me up during the times I may feel down, upset, or have low self-esteem and confidence in myself. People see this girl running around like a wild-child, talking as if on top of a mountain, caressing other people's bodies invading their so-called "privacies" and breaking boys' hearts because they are too enamoured by her simple being. Living in a world and life where nobody really understands or sees her for who she is--simply living by the naive notion that she is inappropriate and "dirty"--she is hardly ever given credit where credit is due. But, she is my Pink Unicorn--she may be different, unique, and a "novel" character, but there is a reason she is that. As she brings out the confidence, craziness, and outgoing-self I know is in me, I serve as that little reminder that she is special, and that she can change lives--that her life can amount to so much more. She is one who is full of so much love and only deserves to be loved back the same, if not, more.

I think there is something common among all of these special friendships I've made throughout the years. These are the very friendships that I've become most fond of, because they were the ones that just clicked and made sense. Even though it is written in the stars that our signs would make great friendships (the zodiac seems to have become a part of my religion), there is something more to be said. In each and every one of these friendships, it was too easy for anyone to "judge the book by its cover". There were the obvious similarities: I was always the pure, sweet, soft-spoken, reserved, head-in-clouds and very dream-driven girl who had her morals, beliefs and values (maybe to the point of being too stubborn), and relied on the arts of writing, dance, and music for expression; they were always the more confident, outgoing, social, and assertive girls who had a reason for why they were the way they are. They may all have come from troubled homes or backgrounds, and I was just a girl who seemed to have nothing wrong. I didn't come from a broken home or faced bad relationships--my biggest enemy was probably only myself. Having grown up with no father could have played a part in it as well, but having two older brothers have made me feel as if it couldn't have been any other way.

I think, in a way, they all saw a light in me. And, with seeing that positive light, it helped me to become a better me, and for them to become a better person themselves. That is why our friendships worked so well together. With seeing that light in me, I had more belief in myself to purely be me. I gave them all I could have ever given them--my utmost compassion, sincerity, honesty, and friendship. With my awkward and goofy tendencies, it was easy to laugh, but trust was also developed in my wide expanse and "sea of knowledge" that was safe.

Whether it be seeing something in each other we wanted to be more of, finding those key differences that made us a better person, or simply being a friend whom the other could take refuge in, these are the friendships you would be silly to ask, "How did you two ever become friends?" I think there's something to be learned from this, and from my own tendencies and patterns to making a new, true friend. Of course, there will always be the love and trust that makes up a good friendship, but I feel there also is the want to become a better person through it. A friend may be able to be there for you and support you, but what makes an even better friend is one in which you are able to grow from--in which you are able to become a better person, because you learn so much from the other. I feel that that is why these friendships have always been so dear to me. They have become so substantial and staple to my growth as a growing individual, finding my place and footing in this one darn ugly world. But, with friends like these, it turns out to be such a beautiful place, in which love given, is love received.

"I figured that anyone who's friends with you is a good person. Deep down."

The Autumn Haze

I remember feeling through that misty, fragrant scent of full-blown leaves and dewy scents from late rainfall as I would scratch my eyes to see through the fog a bit clearer. And, as a new day would awaken, I could see the late afternoon sunshine fighting through those vibrant Autumn leaves--full of deep reds, greens, vibrant yellows and browns... The Autumn haze. What was to be said of it?

I can say that I've been deprived of my favorite season of the year because I'm down here in So Cal and the nostalgia is hitting me in the arse, but do these times call for deeper moments? A change of seasons? A new found perspective or foggy head? Fall marks the period of finally settling in to the school year; and, for some, worries kick in.

I had a late night chat with a suitemate last night who really had the urge to vent about her situation in college. She has this very calm and reserved demeanor--reflective of my own state at times when I'm alone and content--and, when she would talk to me about her worries, she talked with such clarity and coherence in a manner that felt as if she was thinking about all this for such a long time and had already formulated just what to say. Now, when I talk, I find myself a complete mess with my mind running off on all these different tangents, with every thought and feeling coming every which way (which is why I resort to writing for clarification). But, some of the things she was mentioning seemed to be things I've pushed to the back of my mind, only to realize that they have really been somewhat bothersome as well.

I hate to resort to old instincts, but the idea of "connecting to people" was brought up. She was saying how the only people she could find herself relating to were our older R.A. (Residential Adviser) and C.P. (Community Programmer). But, with a natural want for an intimate and closer connection, as opposed to the somewhat distant and easy-going group social setting, she was really frustrated with the fact she wanted more from their friendships and felt, deep down, that her friendships were "all out of niceness"--that the possibility for something more might not be visible. In high school, I've found that very early on I became very critical of my own friendships with others. I found myself always swamped with people and attention, just because I was a "pretty" and "quiet" girl who seemed completely content on her own. People were drawn to me, and even "flocked" to me (as an elder "sister" would say) in my latter years. For my natural inborn "people-pleasing" Libra-esque tendencies, harmony was everything and conflict was avoided by whatever means necessary. I hated to disappoint people--let alone myself--and I always gave my complete compassion and sincerity to people. And, in college, I find myself wanting the same thing--when people are interested in having a closer relation to me, I find myself backing off because of that want for "something more".

I guess, just as my April Kairos adult team leader Strandy, I want to work on placing more trust in people. Not just in anyone, but in those I truly do feel that special friendship and "click" with. And, although it may seem as if I'm "settling" with the people I associate with, I love them to death and wholly appreciate their company. It's just that, at the end of the day, there will always be those few notable people I wish to find. Those I can just "click" with and form a real bond--not just those that can get me through the day.

I've always been a patient person, just changing with the seasons and changing my "colors" all the same in light of displaying different aspects of myself; and, I've always had Faith. Just as I told my suitemate, "You can't really force a friendship onto someone. I feel that whenever that 'right' friend comes, they'll come at the right moment... The more you force it onto someone, the less natural it will come. The friendship will flourish if it will, but the right one will come in time."

There's really no use in worrying about where that "best friend" you make in college will be--if you find one or not. But, I've learned to just "Enjoy the Ride" and "Live Right Now"--reminiscent of my Kairos retreats. Everything that matters is what you do right now, and how you perceive and look at the things you have in your life now. Tomorrow comes another day ("Tomorrow's mystery"), but you have full control of where you are right now. Eager planning should only come when necessary, and the instant you feel that "click", don't let any more time pass you by in making the most of it... I guess, to put it short, I'm just trying to make the most of what I've got now before...later on down the road, it's gone. I've always had Faith in that I've trusted where He would take me. When my last winter was the darkest period of my life, I knew that I would learn so much more from it--and I have, for I've developed stronger backbone. So, change yourself with the seasons, as smoothly as you can, as I will do the same. Like the misty fog, the sun is always shining on the other side of those burnt out leaves... It's just waiting for your approach.

Riding On Eagle's Wings, Among the Stars

Looking through unanswered texts from my phone, all I see are things from different people saying, "Please call me when you have the time?" "Do you have time to webcam? For even just like 5 minutes? Even one minute is fine" "We just miss you" "I miss randomly seeing you in the halls and having lunches where we'd vent to each other!" "Your cookie made me cry so much."

It's been a full month since I first came here, and just before an hour ago I could've said with complete honesty that "I haven't felt homesick at all yet. It surprises me."

Man, was I too quick to say that... But, isn't it funny how the very thing that hits your heart and brings you right back home is your very own religion? I know I haven't been an adamant professor of my religion, morely because I've been so stubborn about it and have--in a way--despised religion. Ever since teenage angst hit me late freshman morely sophomore year, I've always found myself as more of a spiritual than religious person, finding the reasons people go to church as so in-genuine. People using church as an excuse for their faults? People going to it because they are "forced" to? I've always asked for the sincerity in the act, which is why I've only gone when I'm fully awake, fully present, and fully aware... Making that sacrifice and giving my time was important to me, but I hated going and seeing a body of such faithless people... But, who was I to even judge?

College has changed that idea for me. At the very beginning of the year, Patricia has tried her very hardest to make me feel completely at home and comfortable as I could be down here in Irvine. I've always been so used to giving myself to others that it felt so odd to have someone give so much attention to me... But, with time, I've grown to learn that that is just who she is. For those she loves, she takes care of them as much as she can (which is why I truly hope she finds someone who can take care of her in ways she would've never thought of!). She saved me from swarming sorority girls tempting my innocence, she introduced me to clubs and organizations that really help further myself as a person and what I care about--such as keeping my culture intact through the Filipino org, my creative juices through writing, and the music alive in my very own dorm. And, how could I ever forget my Faith. I've been attending a Catholic mass every Sunday here, which felt a bit odd since it doesn't exactly feel like the ones I've been used to for the 18 years of my very existence. Christ the King as the said "very best Catholic church in the nation" is hard to let go of, especially since I've been an adamant parishioner with my family since I was born. I grew up there, and I formed my own being there, and my family is still there... I hold such deep sentiments to it... Which is why mass brings back Home to me.

And so, by going to a few 6:30pm masses, a 12pm mass, and finally a 10am mass here, I've found the one that really makes me feel at Home. Being so far away from Home, away from the comfort of knowing the people and places who make up that small suburban community in the sunny East Bay Area, I need something for me to hold onto as a keepsake and reminder of Home. I've said countless times that Patricia has really brought that here for me--which I can never be thankful enough for--but the absolute beauty and symbolism through the Catholic faith has given me just exactly what I've needed. I've learned that my faith has become a part of me--it makes up my roots and my overall being. Without it, I'd be lost. And, halfway through an entire mass of reflection and pent-up feelings and connections to my Home through song and thought, it's not until "On Eagle's Wings"--the song that was played during my dad's funeral--until I finally breakdown.

Now, it was borne in the sky that I would grow up to be a person defeated by her sentimentality and longing for nostalgia, and I can't help but think so fondly of my past experiences and keep them close to heart. Nothing else would break my heart than forgetting who I've been and where I've come from, and how far I've gone since then... There's so much truth that can be found in the stars, which I'm sure is the reason why Ms. Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan was so fond of them.

But man, how that longing for my seemingly far-off dream will never fade... This period in my life that serves as a sort of "escape" from all I've ever known is only allowing me to grow closer to achieving that dream, and being all that I ever could have been... If only I allowed myself the chance to let that happen.

I feel that all of these choked up words are only His way of telling me how personal my Home is to me--that no matter how far I may go off, it will never leave me. It's a part of me.

And for those messages I've mentioned in the beginning, why is it the very moment I feel myself growing a close relation to someone, I still must keep my distance and "escape"... Even my dorm friends miss me... What am I so afraid of? What is it I'm hiding from? Or is it just the feeling that I yearn for something more?

If anything, I must remember that I've learned ACCEPTANCE this past year. All of the love shared and gained from Kairos... I need to Live the Fourth. Now. I've been in such good shape, full of life, happiness, and love... But something needs to bring you back down to help you fully realize where you are. It's easy to lose yourself in a foreign environment, but it's hard to forget where you've been, gone, and what you've felt... For that's the part of you that holds the most importance. That very past that may haunt you, and even make you feel so happy you wish you could re-live it all again, but, as its said... "You are the sum of your experiences." Don't forget that, darling.

Running in Circles to Home

Why does the world (literally) run in circles? Days and nights are caused by the world's rotation, and human existence itself runs in a constant cycle from birth to death to rebirth and reproduction and whatnot... And, to be even more precise, why do our minds always run in circles?

I'm no psychology major and nor do I even know of the workings and mechanics of the human brain, but I guess one could say my mind has been pretty loopy this past week. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've first started college with Week 2 of the 10-week quarter system just ending, and, in that inevitably needs to come a "road block" that brings you back Home. It brings you away from all the pure and innocent excitement for a new life with new people and faces, like the excitement you get from wearing a fancy new dress or trying on new shoes to walk and conquer the world in. I haven't exactly felt homesick just yet, but, thanks to Patricia (who has been so adamant on me applying and joining and trying all these different opportunities and experiences just because she has so much faith and belief in my talent and creativity!), I've been reminded of Home so much from her.

On Monday this past week, I attended my first "Open Mic". I don't think I've ever actually been to one, but it shone a tremendous amount of light on how much I've been lacking my creative edge for writing. It's definitely very overwhelming to see how much activity goes on in this campus; and to find myself placed in some small room with 50 or so other spoken word addicts seeking some sort of inspiration, renewal, or even just a form of purging of emotions, it reminded me of the love I haven't exactly been "paying my dues" for. It felt like a form of unrequited love, with me being the one to not give in the mutual effort (as always). Spoken word may not exactly be my forté or "style", but there's something very gratifying about this art to the point of leading me to be stuck in a solemn reverie for hours, retaining a somewhat "distant" attitude with my fellow peers and friends (a side of me that they haven't been able to see yet, due to my regular giggling, smiling, and overall optimistic state of mind). The feeling was more of a remorse. I'd a feeling I had let myself down from being that girl who was able to use her voice, her words, and her talents to speak to others too... Something I've always been so passionate and, in a way, too desirous to the point of being unhealthy of. I haven't been able to tend to that want so much with my mind constantly drifting off with "happiness" and "Kai-highs"--circles.

Persisting for a couple of days, I resorted back to my somewhat "recluse" nature just to be able to breathe a little more and regain my composure. I feel that that's one of the most important things people must do in college, personally because I could never let myself lose myself through all of this change. Not only would it break my heart, but it'd also bring a tremendous amount of failure for me. (But, please don't read my wrong my darlings--I don't coop myself up in my room all day; maybe for just a few hours :P) I find myself needing to take a little break from the constant socialization and interactions often, just to breathe. After all, even though I do thrive off of social interaction, I am a Pisces--and one darn reserved one at that--who gets her usual fish-out-of-water feeling from time to time. It would even lead to my friends jokingly saying, "I hardly see you anymore! You're always hanging out with the cooler friends now, huh? We're not 'cool enough'?!" Trust me, that's not the case, because I love you guys too much.

One thing I've really come to love about my hall is that, not only are we all so darn musically talented and constantly play instruments throughout the day and through the wee hours of the night, but our R.A. makes it such a loving and open environment that we constantly have hall bonding times. Wednesday was devoted to "Otero Game Night", which led us to really getting to know the lesser-known people in our hall we haven't been able to meet (66 in all). To prevent this from being longer than necessary, I got a little "Kai-high" and wanted to hug and trample everyone I've missed in the past couple of days, along with enjoying the company of these friendly people. Huge dinners, yummy desserts, too many jam sessions, random work-out exercises and Disney sing-a-longs, and maybe even some movie nights and Rock Band or Super Smash Bros. (it's good to show up the boys for a change :P)... It's nice to come "home" to this every day and night. Kaba Meetings and Events every week also remind me of what I've missed from Kariktan in my culture--my respect for my roots and where I've come from. Again, it's the circles.

But, what's in front of us can truly prove to be distracting, and, at the back of one's mind always lies the same deep desires, thoughts, wants, and longings. My need to write, my love to make music, and my interest in making film: how could I ever forget you? For you are always haunting me in the still of the night! Why do I always come back to you?

It's because You are Home to me. When I write, I begin to remember who I am again. I remember where I've come from, and why I've done this for 6+ years. You were the only way I could ever express myself, and where I was able to control and deliver my thoughts in a clear setting. When I make music, I'm able to emit the emotions I feel inside of me, for writing doesn't always allow that. Music let's me be--to be as corny as ever--and let's people see the real me rather than words written on some mindless screen. Film brings everything to life. The ability to hear words that have been written that connect some part of your heart and mind to a nerve in your spinal cord or the fluttering butterflies that lie in your tummy... It can amount to everything I am... Everything that Home has been to me, and will be, my time here at UCI.

Everything truly runs in circles, but where you are going with that circle... Where it rolls off to, and what debris or something nice that it picks up along the way, is always changing. Some people, faces, events, experiences, and feelings come and go... Some stay, as I've always said... Life runs in circles. and it's funny how through each and every event I go through, no matter how many changes may occur to its shape and form, that circle still has its "essence" and center that lies true to who You are. You come back around to it, remembering who You once were, and who You still are. You come back to what You've loved for so long, remembering those comforting faces. You remember old feelings... Why do we run in circles?

Progress. It requires some sort of accepting things from the past, taking some things with you, re-feeling old feelings to give you some backbone, and to remember why You are here in the first place. Never disregard or deny some feeling or event that happens to You. No matter how little it may seem at the moment, it serves a purpose. "Nothing's coincidence," and these recollections are no exception. Home is where the Heart is (as I've probably tired and made trite over the past months), and the circles You may run in or hide from let You re-feel that Home because, in essence, You are who You have always been, and will be. What goes around always comes back around, but You can decide everything that happens in that small moment that happens in-between. Life's circles... Treasure them. These moments are the epitome, and quintessential points, of You. Never lose sight of that, my dears! Never lose sight of You!

Sometimes, you can surprise yourself when uncertainty draws near

When you take that leap of faith, you can surprise yourself with how quickly your feet settle down into ground underneath your soles.

It's been exactly two weeks since I've begun my path for a new life on my own. Two weeks ago, I remember being fairly uncertain of what lies ahead of me, holding deep sentiments to the people, places, and things that made up my Home back in the lovely Northern California. I performed my last string of summer performances with Kariktan--a close-knit group of family and friends of 6 years--with a dedicated performance to me (which seriously made my heart melt), I hung out, kicked back, and talked deep topics like old times with my best friend as she finished her first quarter of college as I was about to begin mine, and I cherished the last few moments I had with family and familiar faces through concert-hopping, vegging out, and being the best customers at the local restaurants and movie theaters.

Summer 2011 was one summer to remember forever, as I've said millions of times. 4 months is just enough time to allow me to enjoy what really matters to me in my life, living each and every moment to its fullest with the people I love (I guess my summer just went along with the momentum of my senior year--a time in which I ended with a "high-off-of-life" feeling and full of love).

Many of you may have known how bitter I was about leaving Home and going down south to UCI. First off, I've never seen myself as a SoCal type of person--the sun, the beaches, the overall "superficiality" and vibe just didn't appeal to me. I've grown such a long and devoted attachment to my small town suburban predominantly white-based community--I owe everything I've been and everything I've grown into to the people, places, and things that have made up that town. But, sometimes, you need to share a little piece of yourself and your love and share it with others--others who aren't exactly living along the same terms as you, and others who aren't so familiar with your whereabouts and living standards.

Rest assured, my past two weeks here in Irvine have been absolutely wonderful. I can say with confidence that as each day passes, the more and more glad I am to be here. I couldn't think of a more appropriate college for me. UCI is one heck of an under-appreciated and often under-looked UC, but the statistics of this college rank so highly in terms of academics, and being one of the safest and "happiest" campuses in the nation just makes it more enjoyable. I've always been one to get along well with others, with my "politeness" and "compassionate heart" (thank you 8th grade award) making it easier for me to, in a way, "fit myself into the mold". Of course, I have always been my own person and "followed my own drum", but my goofiness and "adorableness" can be reflected into the people I meet everyday. It's comforting to have that link.

I think what I enjoy most about being here is the social aspect of dorming but having such great flexibility in retaining my own morals, values, and beliefs. With over thousands of campus-wide clubs and organizations, there is room for anyone to "find their fit". My classes haven't exactly picked up in workload yet, which makes me feel extra lazy, but my Humanities Core Course is supposedly rigorous (but at least learning about Philosophy is interesting!) and my Beatles & the 60s class is a life-saver (I've never known how much I could enjoy listening to oldies, picking out structures, learning about history and influences that make up any great band). It's great to open up to the two subject areas I love the most (writing and music), and have the comfort of being able to socialize with people similar to my own accord, and participate in clubs that bring back a piece of home for me (Kababayan--Filipino organization, and hopefully Open Jam--musician's club).

I guess, to cut this from getting too lengthy, UCI proved to be that one push I needed to leave a place I love so much and to integrate what I've known, loved, and been, into a somewhat foreign area. I must thank Patricia, who is a 3rd year here at UCI and went to high school with me, for bringing Home to me here and making me feel as comfortable and secure I need to be down here. It's refreshing to have a little piece of Home down here and have someone that not only makes you laugh like crazy, but knows you and your own background.

Don't be afraid to take the path a little more "extreme" and "off" from your natural habits--you can surprise yourself with how wonderful the new environment fits you. and so, I will leave with this note: "Hello, my name is Rachel Cauilan (not Dia Frampton). I write, I dance, and I play music. I only hope to make a testament of my life growing up, from all the people, places, things, and feelings I've known, and to give a little piece of myself, and my love, to you. I hope you enjoy."

Life Goals

College? So far so good. I'm beginning to feel comfortable here and am enjoying it very much. It's good to have things that remind you and bring you back to Home when you are 7 hours away, and this is just that:

While introducing myself to people, finding out what majors others are (I've yet to find someone with Arts & Humanities as well! ...but if I'm the only one, I wouldn't be bothered!), I found that my major seems to cause quite a stir and confusion. Nobody really knows what exactly an Arts & Humanities major is until I explain that it basically is majoring in English/writing with a concentration in an arts (with my choice--music). I've always been afraid of establishing myself as something and finding out that it limits me from doing what I actually want to do. So, as my college career is beginning to find its ground, I want to make a list of a few life goals that are so dear to me that I never want to lose track of. These are the goals that I find I would be extremely disappointed in not accomplishing, and things that would make my heart stop beating and make me feel an extreme sense of failure. I've thought long and hard about these, but to have it posted up here as a constant reminder will help me keep track of what truly matters to me in these changing times.

Ergo!

1. To marry, love, and raise a family in a place that feels like Home.
2. To perform in a band and write some, if not most, of their music.
3. Journey into the "unknown" in a foreign country, i.e. travel.
4. Have coffee and share laughs with high school friends during break hours in adult life.
5. To establish myself with my culture, my writing, and my music all throughout my life.
6. To be a good person.

What matters to you? What do you hope to accomplish?

To you, Kariktan

This past weekend helped me to realize how much I've really come to appreciate being a part of Kariktan. These past couple of months performing at our 'revival' shows made me really feel a part of the family. It was the first time I could say I could've cried over leaving it...

6 years is one heck of a long commitment--and in that comes a lot of growth, especially when you start off as some shy, naive and dream-driven 12-year-old Catholic school girl and come out a full-grown, aware, driven, and more confident 18-year-old performing artist, friend, and woman. I have been given so much these past 6 years from Kariktan, no matter how many times I've complained through doing dances I don't want to do, or times when I didn't want to show up... Somehow, I always showed up when I could. Something was still holding me in. Why? Because I owe so much to you, KDC. You have given me a family.

I've never exactly had those close-knit family ties and relationships throughout most of my life. I never had that elder I could confide in, or that cousin I could share all my secrets with or spend time sleeping over, eating out of their fridge. My relationships with my family have always been distant. I guess a reason for that could be because of my father's early death in my youth, thus cutting off ties with his side of the family. My mom doesn't have many relatives here in the U.S. since she came here from the Philippines in the early 80s, I believe. It was usually always me, my brothers, my mom, and the aid of my mom's parents (my grandparents). I guess that's why I've come to love my two older brothers so much--we were all we had.

When Kariktan came up in 2006, my whole family became involved. Initially, it was my brothers who were involved, but so many families were already involved in it. I watched and wanted to be a part of it too, even though I was younger than the majority. Then, one day, the loud and scary old woman who was always yelling to all the kids about getting their timing and movements right, bending their backs and shifting their feet (literally), saw me pass by one day and encouraged me to join. My brothers, my brothers' friends, family members, and new faces... girls I could look up to so I could finally have that "womanly" influence on me... There was a sense of a love for dance, culture, art, family, community, and belonging in the room. So much youth and so much food (literally)... and all the places we could go. The rest is history from then on.

I don't want to recap on all of my experiences with Kariktan because that would be far too long, plus I could never be able to catch the effect of it all, for it really is something inexplicable and almost indescribable when you actually do it yourself, but... Kariktan has opened so many doors for me. Before, I was just following my two older brothers' footsteps, wanting to get in on what they do, but I found a place for myself in it. Kariktan brought my own little family together, as well as bringing me a new one that could never be replaced. I've seen countless faces come and go, and I've met people from all walks of life. Kariktan brought me closer to Steph Salas in the 7th grade, which later introduced me to API my sophomore year in high school. I became API-club president for 2 years, creating a motherly-sisterly bond with the heartwarming Ms. Canga, then turned my Confirmation sponsor. Through dancing at my school, I've met countless guys who "flocked" to me (as one would say), who I've paid in return with the joy and knowledge that can come through cultural dancing... Kariktan has helped build my experience with performing for event coordinators around the Bay Area, increasing my own social skills with my peers, fellow company-members, and those in the audience... It has given me a buttload of community service hours, probably being my ticket into acceptance at the University of California, Irvine, this coming fall... and aside from all that, I have grown so much. I wouldn't know how to wear or put on makeup without it, or how to dress to formal occasions, or how to behave and understand true commitment... I've become open-minded and accepting of all differences through this, especially when cultural dancing has been an under-appreciated art in our society....

I don't mean to ramble (my mind is half awake right now), but, Kariktan has been my stage for becoming the person I am today, and I couldn't be more grateful to it for that. I would've never thought I could dance, or let alone perform solo dances in front of thousands of people... I would've never become aware of my own image, and how much of an impact I truly can make. That, behind a pretty face lies a thousand stories untold... but only told when I dance, or when I write, or when I play music... It has given me a love for the performing arts, and made me realize my own beauty, as a person.

My mind really kept drifting off throughout this post (and I'm not sure if I got to say what I originally wanted to say), but, with all this being said, I have come to stand on my own two feet in this group, without having to stand alongside my two brothers. I've become my own person, and I've come to really connect with this family I've known for 6 years, which has truly felt like my entire life and childhood. They've seen me grow up since I was a little girl.... and I know that I can always walk in to open doors and opportunities with Kariktan. There are no insecurities, no awkward feelings... Just one open family enjoying the beauty, resilience, and splendor of music, dance, culture, and art. That, is what Kariktan stands for.

Summer 2011, you have been well

Do you ever get those moments where you have the strongest urge to write something, but you just don't know what to write?
I've been getting that quite a lot lately. I always see other bloggers constantly updating and writing new posts weekly, if not, daily, and, if I call myself a writer, why am I the one stuck at home, letting my days pass me by by soaking up my free time in summer television mystery and crime dramas and re-runs of "Friends"? Now, I have to say, there is just such a complete sense of total relaxation when I'm able to snuggle up in bed, curl my toes in, and let my mind escape through the lives of mystery men and women living the lives I wish I could live every so often. The complete escape? Yes. Just as books and films have given us all over the years, television soaps give us that escape we all need after a hard day's work or a highly uneventful day cooped up at home. But, I'm sure you can all agree that routine grows mundane and we all seek a little "excitement" every now and then. We want to feel connected to the world, but by living our lives watching the lives of others, we disconnect ourselves and want something more.

Although I haven't been able to do everything I wish I could have done this summer, I can say that this past summer has been one of the most enjoyable ones in such a long time. I don't know if it's just from the momentum of senior year or the outlook I had gained from it, but I've made the effort to put myself out there and "venture out" to "see the world". I've gotten to see many (maybe too many) of the films I've been interested in seeing in theaters, I've gotten to devote my weekends to Kariktan performing all around the Bay Area at theme parks, festivals, and parties like old times, I've gotten to play music at a friend's church camp, see the lovely Dia Frampton as her time was wrapping up on "The Voice" (and make one crazy trip to LA and back in one day), go to the beach at Santa Cruz with some friends, have random sleepovers, laugh attacks, and fail covers at my best friend's house, reunite with my family when my grand-auntie passed away (and get some hungry eyes from Mr. Moscato), make an imprint on my path towards getting my driver's license, serenade my ears and be inspired once again at SF's Outside Lands Music & Arts Festival, get to know the UCI campus just a little bit better (and feel more comfortable with it, at that!), see the ever-so-charming Joseph Gordon-Levitt with hitRECordJoe in SF, and just, spend such valuable time with my family before I depart...
 
That was quite a long list, I apologize, but, I guess it's plain to see that I have done quite a lot this summer and, although I complain all the time in-between due to unproductivity of time spent at home, I can walk away from Summer 2011, and all the places I've been, people I've been with, and events I've experienced, with a smile on my face. I will enter UC Irvine's campus this coming mid-September with a positive outlook and attitude, content with leaving my Home of the lovely NorCal in such good terms and so much of my love. So many memories have been made here, that every time I do come back Home, to you, lovely Northern California, I will remember all the places I've been to, events I've witnessed, and the faces I've been touched by over the past few months, and years...

I will learn to build myself a new home of my own down here at Irvine. I may not have exactly been convinced that I would be going to UC Irvine for college, but there is a reason I am going here now. There's a reason I'm leaving everything I love and everything I've become familiarized with, for a new and unknown place in Southern California. Maybe I just need to grow up. Maybe I'll meet some good people. Maybe I'll make new connections. Maybe I'll find the answers to my seemingly far-off dreams. Maybe this is that exact push I've needed all along...

Wow, I apologize that this is getting a lot longer than I'd originally hoped for (and a lot gushier too), but, once I get through all of the grunt work of preparing to live in my dorm and moving out, I am sure things will turn for the better. The minute I step into my dorm of uncertainty, I just need to tell myself, "You are here. Everything is right here, waiting for you. Go see what you can color, and who you can color."


Three and a half (almost four) full months of summer vacation does drag on, but, at the same time, it has given me so much. I may not have written as much as I would've liked to, or improved my scalework on the guitar, or even written and composed as many new songs as I'd like to, but this is my life, and I have enjoyed it. Sure, we all are always looking for something more, but I've been content. No, I am not settling for less, because, trust me--I am never settled. but, I have come to appreciate this very life I live. There is still so much waiting inside of me to get out, but, that comes only with time... Growth and time, my friend. Patience is a gift. Maybe UCI can offer me that.
Just two more weeks before I leave my beloved Home. What can be done?

Have you ever been in love?

I'm not sure if "love" is the right word to describe it, but I can say that there has only been one person who has ever walked into my life who has given me a reason to love, and to believe in it.

This takes me back to the foundation of my youth-- where I first came from before I got to where I am today. I have to say that I still love this person, very very deeply, and, during that stage in my life, it was so easy to say I loved someone. I realized that crushes in middle school wore off and this so-called "true love" that was depicted in movies ran much deeper than skin deep. I don't know if this person will ever have the chance to see this, but I've never felt more of a reason to love, to have faith, and to believe, because of You.

You were the first person I ever said, "I know I could say 'I love you' and permanently write it on my wall, and know the feeling and thought of You will never change." And, even after 6 years, you know that's true when I still have the same feelings towards You. This person, in my life, has "come and gone", and I reunited with Him for a moment during my junior year, and our relationship was still utterly the same. He's told me that, even though we may not see each other often, He's been watching me over the years, and He's seen a lot of himself through me. That doesn't surprise me because, if anything, He is and was the one who has had the most profound impact on me when it comes to who I am-- what I've come to cherish, value, believe, and love... He is the one who gave my shy exterior and goofy mannerisms, substance.

He never viewed my age as a setback-- and many could see that. I was a woman beyond her years. An "old soul" you could say. He was both a brother and a friend. He watched out for me, and gave me such unique advice that wasn't the original "cookie-cutter" sort of, "carpe diem", "you should do this-and-that" sort of advice, but rather, said things I could take with me for the rest of my life. "Don't befriend someone just because he's cute." "If you want to, do it." "When you talk to people, think of what you would say here, then say it." I am who I am, because I knew You...

I guess, from the moment He walked into my life, I realized I am worth so much more, and can give so much more, that wouldn't downgrade who I am. He made me believe in the importance of being who you are and not feeling pressured or influenced to be anything else. He made me believe I deserved so much more. For the first time in my life, I had someone who wasn't catering to me by hand-and-foot, by actions and words, but catering to me by truly loving and caring for me. He was someone who was sure of himself, who knew what he wanted to do, and knew his message. I find it funny how, when we reunited, we both had the same views on religion-- how we both don't necessarily like the boundaries and setbacks of religion, but openly accept the message it brings. We were both the same in nature, but brought out parts in each other that needed to be put forth. And, every Lent, I still make the same sacrifice in honor of Him... He always found the bits and pieces of me I didn't necessarily like, and always had a way of making me "move past it". He found my weaknesses and found little solutions to move past them. He made me a better person, and because of Him, I am who I am because I knew Him. "I love you, not for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you."

This was the only person I've ever, truly, fully, and honestly can say I've loved. We've walked in-and-out of each other's lives, and, I find that I've always been the one to do that as well... which is why we are both the same in that way. You never grow too attached, but you leave your mark on another. and that mark leaves one heck of a profound impact. We've never been ones to hold onto the past, but only move on into the present... I am the girl you've always wanted to find, and you are the man I've always wanted to love.

Maybe, throughout all of these years, I've just always wanted to meet someone like Him, because, He is the only one who has ever given me a reason to love... He was always working to better himself, was inspired by his elders and teachers, just like I am. We may both go our own separate ways, but, a part of You has always stayed with me. And I think that that's what really defines something that was always true between us. I don't think I could ever love You in that way, because you're too much a brother to me, but, I know when I do find my one love, I only hope he will embody everything You were to me. You are the reason I love, and You are the reason I am who I am.

~

I've never given our friendship that much thought, but when I really look into it, no matter how brief our moments have been, our moments have spoken the loudest for me. And that is something very profound. It's hard for me to ever look up to someone since there are so very few that truly do inspire me, but You were more than just someone I loved or someone who looked out for me, but You also inspired me. What lovers ever do inspire each other? Sure, the love and the friendship have to be there, but for a sense of "inspiration" to be in there as well... That takes something even more special, which is why You have always stayed with me, in the back of my mind, at the bottom of my heart, and how little you ever cross my mind... You live in the actions, beliefs, and morals I have taken up.

Confessions of Mr. Moscato and His Attempts to Woo My Heart

Even at prayer services for the passing of my grand-auntie, I still seem to get hungry eyes-- at a family gathering.

In Filipino-Catholic tradition, when someone passes away, there are 9 days following their death full of prayers and rosaries to be said aloud as a group. These times are often called to remember and reflect on their death, but also a time for family and friends to get together in both a time of mourning, or, for others, to share joyous memories.

After two hours or so of praying, my grumbling tummy and dried-up throat from repeatedly saying the said prayers scarfed down a plateful of that oh-so-greasy but infamous oiled-down delicacies of meats fried and boiled in rich, decadent sauces accented with vegetables and peppers. Rice-based sweets and desserts were added to the plate, as well as fresh mangoes, and--of course--the sweet and cheesy Filipino-style spaghetti. I haven't had homemade Filipino food in a while and, at a moment like this, it seemed evermore appealing to my appetite. Call it food for the soul--comfort, or food for the body--energy. Whatever it was you needed, you could help yourself to it here.

There are times where I become very uptight and tense, uncomfortable with myself and not entirely open for chat, and, this became one of those moments. I admit--you may call me shy, reserved, quiet, goofy, weird--but you've probably never witnessed me be so uncomfortable with myself, with family for crying-out-loud. It may have been the fact I didn't have my brothers to lie back on, or just how I've never been entirely close with this side of the family, but I scarfed down my plateful of carbs and drunk bottles upon bottles of water like there was no tomorrow. I gathered myself with all these elders, next to my mom, trying to distinguish what they all were talking about in their conversations. The Tagalog dialect isn't the most attractive, but being around it for all my life, I've come to understand bits-and-pieces of it (oh how I wish I could fully understand and speak it--that'd make my eavesdropping easier!).  Of course with my youth, my fair complexion, straightened-out smooth dark-brown hair, and big ol' gazing eyes as if searching for answers from the Heavens, I was bound to get, "Ohhh is this your daughter? Oh ganda ganda na! She's so big now, and so pretty! You should be model!" (Just try to phrase that in a Filipino accent).

When I sit there quietly looking so out-of-place, looking for something to entertain my soul while bouts of conversation surround me, these little compliments definitely flatter myself, but they also give me a good laugh because they're oh so funny to get from relatives, and they're also so cute to say.

While my little table of regulars go on chatting every which way in that indistinguishable language, I overhear stories from a lady who isn't entirely known with the family reciting superstitious stories about the home, and another who's reflecting on their last few moments with our beloved auntie whose death was very unexpected. Soon, a 35-or-so decently-young-looking male comes to the table and greets the superstitious storyteller.

He begins by talking about how he worked with my grand-auntie's daughter a few years ago and currently sells wine. The superstitious storyteller continued to talk incessantly, enchanting us with the glory of the man's wine.

The man added, "Yeah, I sell Moscato. It's a very 'sweet' wine and very easy to drink."

The lady insisted, "Oh you should bring it tomorrow and sell it to us!"

My mom and my other auntie at the table just watched these two strangers talk about this wine.

"Well I don't know where it is anymore. I think I only have about 3 bottles left. My house's a mess! I don't clean anymore."

My auntie decided to join in and asked, "Oh, well how much do they sell it outside?"

The man lazily put his arm around the chair across from me while holding a water bottle, "Well at my work," he then glances to the superstitious lady, somehow signalling her to double-check if he's right, "we get it for half off, so they must be around 5 or 6 bucks here."

"Ohhhh no! It's more than that!" the superstitious lady replied.

The man and the woman kept talking on-and-on about this Moscato wine. Something in the man's movements was very cautious. He calmly and watchfully grazed the chair across from me, leaning his head towards my mom while she asked questions about his work, and my auntie just looked at this guy, questioning the so-called "sweet wine".

The superstitious lady headed home when she was called upon from her other friends leaving. The guy remained a little while, gliding over to where the superstitious lady was sitting next to me as if he were making it an excuse to say goodbye to the other lady at my table. Under all this conversation pouring over our heads, the guy stood there as if trying to think up something to say that would make his standing-there less awkward.

"Okay, well, nice chatting with you guys. I'll see you later," he calmly recited while walking away, raising his water-bottle in hand to signal a goodbye.

A couple minutes later, my rather outgoing, auntie #2, came by the table to chat with my auntie, who informed her of what they were just talking about with Moscato guy. Under all their gibberish in Tagalog, I caught a few words. Auntie #2 came and grazed my cheek, saying, "Ah ganda ganda mo, so skinny. She could be like a model."

She turned to my mom and started talking about the girls on TFC who flaunt their stuff around in mini-skirts and bras and dance in-between takes on game shows.

My auntie, who has been at the table, said to my mom and auntie #2, "Ay! That guy kept talking about his Moscato-Moscato wine... He only came here to look at her! ... I was watching him, he keeps talking on and on but he only wanted to look at her."

You can bet that silent antisocial "her" at the end of the table was me-- the reason the guy came over to talk about his Moscato wine.

On the car ride home, I kept asking my mom to translate her conversations tonight that were said about me. She said that since I didn't have a boyfriend, my auntie compared me to another cousin of mine saying, "Oh, she didn't have a boyfriend either, but now she has one since she came back from college."

This led to me arguing with my mom.

"You never know," my mom said in a very hard tone. "The boys down there are 'mature' and know how to play-around. I won't be there, and the boys [my brothers] won't be there. You better watch yourself. Because [my family] were saying you're pretty and the boys down there will try with you. I don't want to hear that you got pregnant."

I sat there in complete awe. This really irked me, because it was like my mom had no idea who I even was. "Mom, have you even seen myself these past 4 years? Year after year, boys kept 'trying with me' but I never let anything happen. I had plenty of temptations and chances to give-in. I'm not like that. I'm not like most girls."

"Well what about that one boy this year? What if something happened?" she asked in defense.

"Mom, but something never did happen."

We paused for a silent moment. The dark of the night caused my eyes to water, but my mom couldn't see so I wasn't watchful.

"I had my lesson learned with him, and I never did anything."

"You know it's different down there."

"Yeah, but I have people who can watch out for me. I have people I can talk to that will give me feedback on what I'm doing, and I have friends that know who I am and can tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I'm not completely alone down there."

I insisted on changing the subject to what the superstitious lady was talking about with my mom.

For once, I would just like to be thought of as that one girl who never got lost in college. Who didn't live up to those said stereotypes. Who didn't get picked up by a boy or got pregnant... I don't want to live up to the reputations of "pretty girls who go to college and get a boyfriend". For once, I just want my mom to truly see and understand that I'm not that kind of girl... That I'm something, so much more.

And to think, all this arose because of my grand-auntie's passing away...

When I go down to Irvine, I just want to go there and get what I want to get done, done. UCI chose me-- I never chose it, because I had no other alternative. I'll learn more about myself and develop as an individual, but I will never, ever sink down to that level... Please mom, you know me better than that.

"Don't do what you love. Love what you do."

It's times like these I just want to ask myself, "What are you waiting for?"

Year after year, my new year's resolutions seem to resemble each other in so many ways. Yes, keep your values. Yes, get better at guitar. Yes, make music. Yes, perform, record, write, love, live, and be kind to others... Those are the most important things I've kept in my life and I consistently tell myself every year that I will sing and I will record this year.

I can say happily my other new year's goals have been fulfilled without a doubt and with hardly any unease. When will I truly challenge myself, and step out of my comfort zone and do what I really want to do-- the hidden messages found inbetween the lines?

Looking back at all of the accomplishments I've had these past 4 years, I am proud of where I stand today. But, like any other girl, I keep wanting to do better and be better. It's true, we are our own worst enemies and nobody will critique you harder than yourself. I've gone from that shy mute girl transformed into a graceful cultured dancer into a guitar-playing junkie into a writer and visionary into a student-run club leader, full-out friend, and student retreat leader, leaving others with all my grace and all the imprints I've left on their lives, and somehow their hearts, with the story of my life. But, that was only the beginning.

"In the last few weeks of school, I think the rest of the world got to see the side of you it truly needed to see." Accepting your past is the only way to move into the future, and as I did that, it amazes me to see where I stand now...

Have you ever heard of the dreamer's disease? Probably not, because I just made that up, ha! but really, dreaming really is a disease... When you're stuck in this state of mind where you're in another world? Where you keep dreaming of some ideal world when you don't appreciate the most of what's in front of you? Maybe you've come to have a little pride along the way, thinking you're better than those things around you? You keep telling yourself you'll be happy later down the road when you get "that"?

Well tell me, "that" is just grazing your fingertips. Rid of all your "I will's" and start doing the "I am's", and take the steps necessary to get there... A big problem I've always had was fear. It's taken me a long while to grow fully comfortable in my own body, as I'm still insecure and entirely shy in front of people I don't know... The thought of leaving some place you've grown so comfortable in, in your own kind of "bubble", is scary... and I've fears of stepping outside of my own comfort zone without someone else telling me things as if "I'm already there" or "You're already great". I need to grow up and be able to do these things without the help or support of a friend.... Because all they say is what I already know, but choose to deny in the back of my mind.

One easy way to re-live my "growth" is by watching all my old youtube videos in chronological order... My old videos of my guitar-playing are absolutely horrific (I think). but, as I'm still growing now, I would've never gotten to now if it weren't for before-- as cliche as it sounds.

Anyway, as I must say to myself as well, "Don't do what you love-- Love what you do." Makes you think twice ya? Doing something instead of actually loving it... Surround yourself with positive people and just be you-- whatever you may be and what it is you do... Now that's the true guarantee to a happy life!

P.S. As a side note, I just want to say, "I miss you." If you're a follower of my other blog, you would've seen a little note I said of missing this particular person. How we've been too out of touch for too long, and how a rarity like ours should never be ignored, especially when she said, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you." My goodness-- go ahead and make my heart just plummet! (It's too sweet of a thing to say...) I may have taken my friendships for granted, and it does disappoint me. I think this person deserves a call. Very very soon. Just to reunite and catch up, like old times. Because, after all, "What are you waiting for?" Tell people how you feel before it's too late! Ha!