Nineteen

"Another year older, another year wiser," they say.

That may be true, but, every birthday, I find myself taking a second to look back on past years, seeing where I was at that point in my life, and how much I've changed within the past year. For the first time, I believe I can say, with confidence, that I am done with Eighteen.

18 was a big year for me. I remember the day very briefly: I welcomed it in the morning with the sweet melodies of Samantha James, Meg & Dia, and Hall & Oates, with a voice-message left by a very fond friend of mine; I opened my arms to the love of my first admittance of a Best Friend, and spent the day swarmed with messages of Kai-love and messages blowing up my Facebook wall and phone; I remember sitting quietly in 3rd period Economics as I hold back my cackles as I'm about to pee in my pants from a letter my Best Friend gave me; my really good school and Kai-buddy baked me cupcakes which I shared with friends at break, as I eat lunch with my Kai-leader family (which always seems to bring an aura of genuine happiness and care for and with each other whenever we're brought together); I end the school day walking the halls of De La Salle to greet all of my guy friends, and continue with an adventure at home with music with my Best Friend. Everything I could've asked for brought to me in one day... This day turned the tables on how I previously saw birthdays as "nothing to be thrilled about".

"It is not just another day. This day is a testimony of your life, this is a declaration of your significance. Today is important and I expect you to treat it as such. But whether it be today or the next day or some day in June, know that I am down to be there for you for anything, whenever you need me, I'll make the effort to help you out. Remember, I am your friend." - @ayanagiann

The day I began my eighteenth year set the pace for how the rest of my year went in a nutshell, ironically enough. I laughed more, smiled more, and had the confidence to really show people who I am. I opened myself up to the love of friendship for the first time. I lived a 4-month long summer in the best way possible, keeping intact with my Kariktan family performing strings of summer performances and spending countless days and nights with my brothers and family at concerts and shows. I've left my sheltered home for the first time, and brought myself to really grow in my music and writing... Eighteen was the year I set my best self forward, continually growing.

As my second quarter here at UCI has been coming to a close, I find myself feeling more and more unmotivated, finding myself in a state of constant "elsewhere-ness"-- something so familiar to my first 3 years in high school. Repetition is beating down the back of my neck, while everything I've been involving myself in doesn't seem to offer what I was looking for anymore. Instead of living wholly in present moment--being as appreciative, enthusiastic, and happy with the now--I find myself drifting off into the disease of what brought so much angst and loneliness my first 3 years of high school: the yearning for a constant, better tomorrow.

It's a good thing to find myself ending my eighteenth year on a good, happy notes, as I enter my nineteenth out of "la la land" and into the reality of what it is I want for my future.

I've been blessed with such good company while I've been down here, and they have definitely made my first birthday away from home quite enjoyable. Although being down here isn't much a "home" for me yet, they have helped create a community in which I feel as if I can belong, bringing me new dimensions in my life that help me see who I really am. That is quite a blessing in itself.

Nineteen: my final year as a teenager; I expect you to be a year in which you challenge me to help me transition into those roaring 20's. In my prior year, you let me be me; now is time to be me on a grand scale. Changing focus? I think so.

Within the past week, I've been feeling shaken a number of times.

Growing up, I've been born and raised on Catholicism. I've gone to a private Catholic school for 13 years and have been sheltered in the same community since then. With that comes the ritualistic receiving of sacraments and going through the motions of things to deepen my commitment. With age, I became more skeptical of things and found disharmony in the separation of religions. I found religion as a more spiritual pursuit--a way for me to become more in tune with my self-hood and used it as a tool for self-discovery.

To have grown up on something since I was born and baptized into it, Catholicism has become a sort of Home to me. I find that with my being away for college, I've become more appreciative of what religion has had to offer me. Every time I attend mass, it reminds me of what I've grown up on, and the values I uphold in it. It brings me back and reminds me of Home.

During last week's Ash Wednesday mass, I found myself sitting in a crowded pool of dozens of other UCI students in a small, heated space on a very hot afternoon. With a guy trying to hit on me to my left, and two brief friends sitting with me to my right, I found myself enclosing myself into my own world, reflecting on everything the priest was saying about the season, and reflecting on my own compassionate nature that has been so apparent before, but has died within me in the academic arena. I remembered Kairos. Love. And Faith in people. I grew nostalgic, and extremely longed to be just as I was at that time in my life.

Within a moment's heartbeat, the familiar sounds of those softly caressed piano keys, recalling a memory of just 14 years ago, came rushing out of the speakers, filling up the entire room. It brought upon a particular poignant feeling that recalls an old memory: My Father.

Just 3 days later, I would be arriving back home for a brief visit to see my family--the family I've long been disconnected with and have lost touch with over the years, due to a tragic incident that happened to my father when I was 4, and almost broke my entire relation with that side of the family. At my grandma's own birthday party that day, I looked into the eyes of my dad's old relatives, and felt a sense of longing within them. The hesitation, the watered, deep eyes, and the anticipated questions and favors in hopes of finding a little piece of my father through the acts, behaviors, and successes of me and my own two brothers, were deeply felt. Perhaps they were still suffering or not, the sight of us, and the remembrance of my father through us, was felt.

Every time I reconnect and have small conversations with a few of my relatives in relation to my dad, I always feel as if there's a sense of loss hope. A mutual feeling that we both wish we could have stayed in touch over the years, because those few old memories were so special, that having cut off good relations is disturbing. Indeed, it is sad to feel you've grown distant from anyone you've felt a strong kinship to, but in this case, it's as if there's no real hope. We both know that the next time we may cross paths is entirely uncertain and can't be gauged.

While attending Sunday mass with my mother and my grandma on my mom's side--what do you know: that same song comes striking into our ears as we prepare to receive the Eucharist. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to race, my breathing patterns becoming significantly heavier, and my voice becoming choked up as I hold back watered eyes that may shed a waterfall in a single crack. I can feel my mother growing suddenly disturbed and quiet, even without a single glance at each other. I cannot even imagine the recall of the pain that must have gone through her in the years surrounding my father's incident. To be reminded of something you've spent more than a decade successfully defeating-- it's as if all your efforts building up those walls for protection are instantaneously broken the moment that melody reaches your ear... and then your heart... and then who knows what else.

These memories and recalls of that song haven't been so apparent nor frank until now. I wonder: Why now? Maybe it's because He wants me to reconnect and rediscover my father. Who he was. What he was. And what he was to my family.

Maybe he is the token to my past that will unlock some sort of discovery I need to find in myself. Who knows? But it may be my mission to find out the story of my father.

Lenten Goals 2012 (Check-in)

Today we finish the first four days of Lent. These can be a warm-up to help us get the feel of this "40 day" season. Take another look at your Lenten plans and possibly make some adjustments.

1. Mind: No unnecessary "I don't know"'s and "I'm sorry"'s. Continue to practice being more direct with wants and to share fondness openly. No excesses and clutter- live a simple living.
2. Body: No ice cream at commons. No over-eating. Be more green in eating. "You are what you eat."
3. Soul: Play guitar at least once everyday. Blog and write frequently. Finish one unfinished song during the 40 days of Lent.

Lent, for me, is all about overcoming the weaknesses I may have in myself. "I've got the willpower when it comes to some things, but I just can't seem to get anything moving in these other parts of my life. It's like I'm paralyzed." What I ask for this Lent, is to heal my paralysis in that I can do something about the parts of my life I want to change. To be a good person, but to also become a better one in my relationships with myself, others, and the spiritual senses, is what I wholly aim for. To hold confidence in all I am, and to not be afraid and back down, is what I hope to attain. If "I am the sum of my experiences," let my experiences speak to something- someone. To be a guiding light, but to also remember the light that brings me back Home- Home is with You.

When I'm feeling down, unexpected surprises seem to bring me back on my feet again. I couldn't be any more grateful.

You are one of the very reasons and my motivation to help me keep on going.... to help me keep on being me: for the pursuit of finding myself through my music, my writing, and my relationships with others. Thank you. so much.

 

It's funny. Ever since I was 12-years-old, I always dreamed of what it would be like to have a Valentine. Romantic dinner date nights, strolling under city lights wrapped up in the scent of roses and chocolate, all with someone you really love... It's a very childlike fantasy.

Last year, I had the rare opportunity to ask someone; but, thankfully, things were already "rolling in the deep" that life took me to where I was supposed to belong at that time of the year. "Scattered in a sea" of uncertainty and living by pleasing others' wishes, I came to terms with myself and what it is I wanted. With all the love, confidence, and belief I had in myself and my relationships with others, my tremendous growth came with me as I went to college. I was focused on me: to further my music, my writing, and my overall status and growth as an individual, as well as making imprints on the lives of those I loved. This was the time for me to live life in the way I wanted to. ...and you can bet that that is how people have perceived me here: I've made no motives to want something else.

I'm not sure how I feel about this year's Valentine's Day. This day, to me, has always been a day that passes with no key special gifts being given or received, or hopes to dream up of. It was a day for me to smile at other couples and dream of the day I'd be in my mid-20s or so with someone to share it with. At these times, I realize just how happy I am being me--single and all. Love, to me, would only come (and I'd graciously accept it) when I feel most ready to accept it.

From a good hallmate friend of mine giving me chocolates in the morning and a bear and a rose at night, with being asked to Semi-Formal (sneakily) in the middle of it all... Why does it all give me such a strange feeling? Why am I not ecstatic? Why do I kindly accept these gifts and invitations with a nice hug, smile, but no felt emotions? Why, when I look at these gifts, do I look in disappointment?

It's the feeling of not wanting to disappoint. The feeling of not being able to reciprocate those same feelings back. It brings me back to what I felt awful about a year ago--how I could care about someone so much, but could never ever have been able to give them those same feelings they deserved back. I'm not sure how to react, and I feel so heartless and cold by not being able to love back, but the secret notion of them expecting something more from me, or maybe just wanting to spend some of their precious time with me to keep them happy--that haunts me. And it brings me back full circle again.

“Being an ethnic and being Filipino, they don’t write roles for you. You need to deliver and have mastery over what you’re doing. You have to show you can be better than the white kids… If you’re a writer, write! If you’re a singer, sing! The best artists out there don’t make it because they’re too afraid and stop. And those who do make it aren’t even the best.”
— Dante Basco

Whether it be the bow ties, the polka-dotted dresses, or the handsome men with handlebar mustaches, it's times like these that remind you just how lucky (and happy) you are to be just where you are.

I admit, I haven't been feeling my best and I've been getting a little burnt out with school, but, I find that it's always been important to refuel your senses (even if it means putting off your midterm studying) in order for you to function at your best. After such a beautiful weekend catching up with two of my very good and dear friends from back home, it's a wonder how reality can come striking at your front door and you are met with overwhelming obligations (leading to missing meals), disconnect from hall friends and fun (with people wondering where you are), and distance from those I've loved most here (with you realizing just how much a home you've built with them).

When I'm at my lowest, I write. I pick up my guitar and purge all of my emotions into it. I pull up my computer, turn on the recorder, and record myself singing covers of songs my poor heart desires. The feeling of hearing how I sound is very uplifting. Some days I go, "Wow, I have so much potential..." Other times, I go, "Wow, you sound terrible! You need so much work! No wonder you don't sing to other people!" Whatever it be, doing this makes me feel most in touch with me. This reminds of what it is I've loved for so long, and what I've enjoyed for so long: that whatever low I am feeling can be uplifted by just a simple act. After all, when you're at your lowest, your creative juices tend to flow the most. Your heart--at this moment--feels the most.


I haven't laughed in a long time. I haven't stayed up 'til 5am in a long time. I haven't leaped my way to the UTC, sprinted around corners and streetlights like a fiend, nor really smiled at people in a long time. It's those moments where I find home again--in myself, and in my relations with others--do I find my way out of the cave again.

La La Land never felt so good since those early spring days. To Tomorrowland!* indeed.

*click to LT4

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
- Yoda 

I met up with an old friend yesterday. He came by in response to a letter I wrote to him just a week ago, in hopes of resolving all of the unresolved tensions and confusions that have ensued in our senior year and the summer following. I haven't spoken to him in ages, but I suppose something resonated. To have had this moment where, for once, we finally shared a mutual understanding of where the other stood in terms of our friendship and our disclosed past, brought light to where we, as individuals, were headed.

Throughout the past year, I've learned a lot about love, life, past relationships, internal conflicts, and insecurities bothering those of others and myself. I have a lot of people to thank for that, which has made the year 2011 such a defining and the most heart-warming year of them all for me. I was genuinely my happiest, with all the love in my heart, an enthusiasm for what's to come, and an unbeatable sense of contentedness and belief in myself.

To have someone in my life who has seen and witnessed all of that, even if he/she wasn't entirely involved in my transformation, is a beautiful thing. All I can ever be is thankful for it.

As we strolled through Aldrich Park, I could gauge there was a sense of uneasiness in his demeanor. Perhaps he's thought long and hard about what to do and what to say, while I was just here for him: to help him find closure in Us. The warmness of the air was comforting, and the light breeze made the day absolutely perfect. It's been awhile since I've seen a beautiful day down here. As we found a bench to sit on, I've never seen Aldrich Park look any more beautiful. It kind of reminds me of the scene in (500) Days of Summer where Tom and Summer shared a moment on the bench overlooking the city. But, beside the fact, he found that there was never any wrong in any of our doings within the past year. He said I was too sweet of a girl to have done any wrong to him, and we were just a pair of confused teenagers not sure what we were looking for in each other. But, we found that our mutual care and respect for the other was what kept us, somehow, meeting again on that very day on a late afternoon in January.

I cannot gauge what will ever happen to Us. Perhaps only time can tell, but God will make happen what will happen. After all, I've found faith in what He has me think and feel. There's no coincidence in it.

For all you living in fear of what will happen to any relationship--romantic or not--and whether your heart or efforts are in it more than the other, I think it's most important to remember that the ones who are supposed to stay will stay. From my experience, I've seen people come and go, and friendships fading away all the time. I've been blessed with a handful of family and friends who have stuck with me; but, what has made it easiest for me to continue on with my life is my manner of never growing an absolute dependence and attachment to them. To refer back to Mr. Yoda above (I first watched it just this past winter break!), he once said, "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side... Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is... Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Having complete faith in what people have to offer you, but not expecting more to come, is something that makes appreciating relationships that much easier. The light side all depends on you.

Don’t you sometimes find it sad how school can really limit you from working on the more important and rather beneficial things in your life? The things you love?

I’ve written a bunch of incomplete songs in the past weeks and months, and learned a handful of new songs I’d love to cover. I’ve got great video ideas in my mind, but it’s just a matter of finding the time to do it all, with my scheduling of classes, events, and other school-related things restricting me.

I don’t want this musical zest to go away!

To note, here are a few of the songs I plan to cover sometime soon:

1. Shy That Way - Tristan Prettyman/Jason Mraz
2. Something - The Beatles
3. Postcards From Italy - Beirut
4. Belle - Jack Johnson
5. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Where has my connection to the musical world of cyberspace gone?!

A Humble Abode

I've been going through a lot of self-reflection lately, and I guess that's what the season does to you. When you've got a tad homesickness + real sickness + thoughts about life in the long run kicking in, moments like these are bound to happen.

It's easier said than done, and I find myself throwing phrases like this all around the year at different times and phases of life, but: Remind yourself to slow down and relax.

I think growing up in such a slow-paced suburban "smell the roses" kind-of-town where everybody grew up on family and Catholicism, it was easy for a wide-eyed girl like me to dream of what it would be like to get out there into the world and really make a difference. It didn't help that I first started blogging 7 years ago (with my brothers and few older friends taking notice of my talent), that I wanted to be a songwriter in the 3rd grade, and that I even ventured into looking into film cameos and the like by my sophomore year. I guess I felt my life always served a bigger purpose, and the more and more I keenly looked into the lives of my friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn't just an ordinary girl like the ones I saw around me. I was a thinker, exploring different mental capacities and ideas, as inspired from my first profound influence--J.E.M.--in my life. I was a dreamer, always trying to make a name for herself in the small community I found myself in, as can be found through my writing and musical pursuits. I was a Romantic, both in its artful aestheticism and in its lovey-dovey-ness, as seen through my interest in culture and the individual. As a thinker, a dreamer, and a Romantic, I yearned to make a name for myself through Art. Because, as it were, I found myself to have a talent in it: dance found me in the 6th grade, and I've grown into a full-fledged performing artist; writing found me in grade school, but was finally tapped into as my sophomore English teacher really pushed me to further my talents; music found me when I nagged my brother for his guitar and signed up for lessons with a teacher who constantly said, "I've taught a lot of students over the years, but no one has picked it up quite as quickly as you."

Some have said I've always been a "humble ship". That I tend to float around, happy as a bumble bee, enjoying the company of a family who loves her, friends who care for her, and a people who both learn and grow from her. I was never one who found the need, just yet, to settle down with someone, for I had my own dreams I wished to pursue and other things in mind. I always sought a peaceful lifestyle in which I could grow from that girl who always sat in the back of the classroom and didn't talk much, but who always seemed to be smiling to whoever caught her eye. There was an innocence. There was a deepness. And there was a pure presence in the moment of the dream.

I've always wanted to get out there, but, somehow, something deep inside me is telling me that I can find pure comfort in getting there, but not in the way I had at first imagined. Perhaps a quieter approach to it, as my modesty has always been written on, and my subtlety in nature has always provided; a "background" approach, in which I can still change, challenge, and inspire minds that allow me to live the simple life I wish to live, as I've grown up on, but also the "crazier", out-of-the-ordinary side of life I've always sought; a place somewhere in-between, for the experiences in my life that have meant the most to me remind me of the exact pleasure I can have from being me and utilizing my talents in a community garnered toward a more intimate kind of audience. A more intimate kind of success--more personal, more sincere, and true to who I am.

I may just rambling right now (this time of the year tends to do that to me), but, I must never forget what my talents have brought me. Yes, impatience in achieving an ideal sense of progress is bound to happen, but, I have to learn to stop being so steadfast. I can't control the ways of the world, but I can control how I utilize my talents right now. To live, to love, to be a good person... Don't get too wrapped up into your own issues too much. There's a whole of a hell of a lot better world out there waiting for you. Take time to stop and smell the roses, and if it takes two to tango, you better learn to tango! "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself... Like this, journey never ends... Like you were sent to me [for a reason]..." You live and get by, but make it worthwhile. Know in your heart that this is what you love to do.

At the end of the day (with a tired eye and note to self)

Sometimes, it takes the small friendly encounters, the brief moments with loved ones, and the slaps-in-the-face that make you feel so entirely grateful.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seemed to "fit"? Where everything, at first, seemed so minor and insignificant, but, at the end of the day, you find yourself smiling and feeling plain good about yourself? I think it always takes me a few days and moments with people to finally settle in and feel comfortable with where I am--finding the cures to kill homesickness. At times, I just feel so darn naïve when I find myself complaining about things I admit to myself. Who wouldn't, right?

I've found in myself that when I have a little "hope" to uphold in myself--some minor goal or thing to look forward to--it tends to become easier to get through the rubble (or "weed through the rubble" as Meg Frampton would say). My life, as I see it now, has always been based off of Opportunity. And, when I open myself up to as many opportunities I can, I am able to pick-and-choose (sometimes willingly and unwillingly) the ones which most coincide with what I want to accomplish--my life goals. Who'da'thunk a shy young girl like me would ever be transformed into some elegant soloist and performing artist at such a ripe young age? Who'da'thunk I'd ever have the guts to bear my life and soul in front of girls I've barely had the chance to know? I find these moments my most defining, and most fulfilling opportunities I've had throughout my life. It's all about the element of surprising yourself with what you're actually capable of, and having a "Wow" moment with yourself. Too many times, I find myself living on others hand-and-foot just because of my innate tendency to empathize with people and to retain that "good, gentle, and humble" spirit. I too often see the good in people (which may have its downfalls) that it becomes easy for me to constantly please. But, it's these moments where I take a step back and totally own myself, and take control of what I want to do, that I feel most fulfilled. Of course you've always gotta have that balance, and too much satisfaction is a life incomplete... But, I guess what scares me is when I don't really have a control over where my life goals are headed. Where I don't really know if they are headed anywhere, and I feel as if I'm living in "repeated motion", as I said in my last blog... (and, truth, we can never control aspects of our lives which are out of our control). As an idealist, I've always been out for self-improvement. As a human-being, I've always been out for a sense of peace and contentment within myself. But, with the two, you can never have both. Balance is key. My stars are written in Harmony, and that's what I ought to find in myself.

Long story short, it's the moments that bring you back Home to what you've known and loved the most: the small friendly encounters with like-minded people that remind you of what you've grown up on, and where you were from; the brief moments with loved ones that remind you of just how much love you have in your life; and the slaps-in-the-face that remind you that the little things that bother you today become so minor later on, for there's such a bigger world outside of you right now. Best you can do now is try as hard as you can to have a grasp on where you are headed in life, and continually try to bring yourself closer to that. Of course, some things may forever be unknown, but, as long as you are able to find your ground again, stepping your feet into the water and no longer feeling like a "fish out of water", you'll be Ok. Just take a long breath, pause, and look yourself in the mirror. Remember why it is you are where you are, and what you can do to make the most of what you have now. Think of what you have: not what you have not.

Artists are Introverts

This morning, I woke up to the sound of my roommate bustling around the room as she got ready for her class. I lied in bed, my eyes feeling strangely light as my normal tiredness wasn't wearing me down. I still had another 2 or so hours until my alarm was supposed to ring, but I remained motionless. I felt no need to go back to sleep and had no energy to get out of bed. I just lied there. Motionless. Emotionless. Nothing running through my head. Just still.

As I left Saturday morning with my brother and my mom to catch my noon flight, I kept telling myself, "Hold yourself together Rachel. You were a wreck last time you left home. You're not gonna break down now. Not now." It almost makes me laugh how sentimental I get. Have you ever heard of sentimentality being a disease? I remember as senior year was coming to a close, Ms. Strandberg--my Kairos 43 team leader--asked me how I was feeling about the end of the year coming. I told her that I wasn't ready to leave and wouldn't know what to do after graduation. She replied, "Do you get really sentimental? ... I was like that too. Just enjoy every last moment."

As the flight attendant greeted me with a warm hello, I smiled at her and said hello back. As I searched for a seat, I clumsily stuffed my big bulky guitar in the overhead carry-on (awkwardly, having some trouble) and was no longer enthused to continue a conversation with this elder man reading a book to my left, and a fellow UCI student to my right. I took out Faust--the book I was supposed to read for Winter Reading--and got a good long hour of reading. I think it's good to note that one thing I've always disliked was disclosing oneself off from the world in a social setting (i.e. listening to music while walking around campus, reading or writing in front of other people--this whole thing about setting yourself apart from people rather than wholly being there in the present).

I think the longer and longer I am here, the more and more impatient I've become. I'm losing motivation, and it scares me. Have you ever heard the saying that "all artists are introverts"? Now, I usually keep my spirits up by surrounding myself with lovely people. I've said before that I "thrive off of social connection", and it's true--nothing's more terrifying than loneliness. Lately, I've been finding it hard to keep up interactions. My head begins to throb and I feel as if people are sucking the life out of me. It sounds terribly depressing to say, but I can tell you I haven't had this feeling since I was a junior in high school. I don't want to say I'm regressing just yet, because it scares me, but I feel myself losing myself a little. It's almost like I constantly feel the need to escape and resort back to my room with a nice journal and music playing in the background. But as I am doing that right now, it hurts me. The music hurts me. It haunts me. Because at this very moment, I know that that is what I want to be doing. That that is what I should be doing. But, instead, I'm here. Lying still. Motionless. Ejecting ideas out of my head in hopes something can be made of it.

I look to my wall on my right and I stare at posters and passages of what people have said about me. From Kairos affirmations before and after leading Kairos, to notes from anonymous people praising and loving who I've become, and a note from a loved one reminding me how much love I can be capable of giving and receiving... I see all the highs from my senior year of good times with my best friend, old friends, Kairos-mates, family, and Kariktan... The "high" times that I've been feeling a bit deprived from. But, when I look at that wall I'm reminded of what I've learned from all of that. That that Love is always there. Feelings, moments, and experiences like that never go away: you can relive those moments, just not in the same scenarios. I once was like that at a moment in my life, and I can have that same familial feeling of Happiness. I can't keep feeling tired and uninspired for too long: it's all just a passing phase-- But, is it just a phase if these ideas constantly haunt me from time to time? The same things, just felt at different degrees, levels, and times? Sometimes, it's as if it were a voice passing with the wind, and other times it feels like a waterfall pouring out of my body. But, it's still that same thing that I've always wanted and needed. My disturbed soul is coming to the forefront again-- I'm acknowledging all of my insecurities, doubts, and disturbances all at the same time. It's healthy to some degree, but unhealthy when it causes me to feel as if life is being sucked out of me, and things that used to make me happy just don't seem to feel the same.

My second quarter. My best friend told me how she went through her second quarter fairly rough. Seeing to it as that we always seem to be living our lives in parallel, I've a feeling mine will turn out to be fairly similar. This will be a long quarter. I already know it.

~

The more and more I analyze these works of art, the more and more I feel as if "I've done this already" and I'm living my life in "repeated motion". I guess I've grown tired of it. I've always been a drifting soul-- someone who always wanted more than what she had, which, in turn, has caused me to take some things for granted. Albeit, I've work to do in myself, but I'm one of those people who will never be okay with settling with something else rather than her passion. Her art. I'm one of those people who need it to breathe, and everything else just seems to be a distraction. I need to feel secure in that I am working towards something I will be happy about--of worth. As much as I am thrown, showered in, and given all the love and care in the world, I become nothing without my Art. I need to feel as if I'm constantly growing and improving. That my life lives a purpose. And for one who has always been so focused on creating healthy atmospheres with friends with no conflict whatsoever, and making sure they feel the love they need to feel when they need it, it's all gone in the past days.

~

In a place where everyone becomes a Nobody and you feel no less significant, the artist suffocates. That is why the artist is the introvert: It's all in the head. I've always believed all of the best art is felt.

These moments remind me that I'm alive. Why I'm alive. It brings me back to the beginning and root of my existence: "Without suffering there would be no compassion."

The Road

I’ve always believed
There is one road we are all destined to take.
We are to color it with the pains and joys we’ve had
And tune it to the skills and abilities we’ve acquired
To make the most profound mark on the road as we converge our way into others.
We take some things and leave others, in accordance to the ways the world around us has shaped us.
We create and destroy the things that have both hurt us and given us the most familial feeling of pleasure we’ve known.
Messages from the sky will cast down their prayers on us
As passerbys come to take them,
But the essence of that one road will be written in Your name.
Plantation and vegetation will arise the moments you diverge from that road,
And new fruits of knowledge and experience are found,
As it is colored with the scars you’ve bled, the water you’ve shed, and the love you’ve spread.
It's a wonder to see all your beauty in the breakdown,
For when you are most out of line with your road,
You create the space given to sentimental values and feelings from the past that put you in a state of nostalgia,
Of longing for that one road you’ve grown so used to
For it was that best friend you never had,
That love you may have taken for granted,
Or that dream you cheated yourself on.
And when you come back to that one road
You are met with the overwhelming love of the Father you never had,
The saving peace of the Home you’ve always wanted to find,
And the Happiness your very name has always been written on, granted, and deserved.
A place of harmony that provides more than the Seven Wonders of the World could ever provide,
The road is the heart. Your heart.
And my heart belongs on the Road.

"What are you even here for? Do you need this?"

One of my good friends I've made here at UCI (and one of the very first few I've made here) has been able to spend a good amount of time with me these past few days. I'll call her Fountainhead. We've shared so many little moments where we really bonded, even if nothing much was said. Even with our goofiness, the matters of the heart started to seep through... Ever since she asked, "What are you even here for? Do you need this?" so many things have been running through my mind. The moment she broke down as I brought up my own dreams and aspirations, we had a moment. Surprisingly, she seemed to be going through the same thing as me. I haven't had something like that in any one else I've met here at UCI, and when she broke down--this independent, easy-going, and silly person--I haven't been able to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. When she said it was the first time she's cried in front of people before in a really long time, it hit me. It's crazy how similar we are.

Have you ever just taken a step back and looked at yourself? I mean really look at yourself... Look at what you're doing with your life, and how you're living... You see things at face value, and sure: You're happy. But what is that very thing that makes you human underneath? That makes you feel emotional? To the point of bottling it up?

It's the dream you've had ever since you were 15-years-old. That dream you've devoted so much of your time to. So many weekends, nights in, vacations, blogs, and just encounters have always revolved around it... It's almost like a lover. How you think about him/her every day. How he/she crosses your mind every now and then and creeps up into your mind when you're doing a simple chore, and how so many things have a connection to him/her. How so much of your time and effort has been given to him/her... It's true. This dream has been my passionate lover for almost 4 years now, and whatever else I may have distracted myself with from it has been an affair, as silly as it sounds. The reason I never felt the need or want to pursue a relationship, or even to find "the One", was, not only because I'm patient and will wait for the right "One", but, because my mind has always been elsewhere. I've said it countless times over the years, and many people may not have understood what I meant whenever I said it. I would give them more by saying, "I'm not ready... I still have so much growth to do... There's still so much I want to do in life..." And, while those may be true, there's a reason why Jamie Sullivan is so important to me, and why the line: "You have to promise you won't fall in love with me" is so personal. Although I'm such a devote Meg & Dia fan, it still can hurt me so much whenever I listen to them or delve too deeply into "Meg and Dia land". Almost for the same reason as Fountainhead...

It absolutely broke my heart when Fountainhead told me, "It just hurts whenever I see you guys doing that [playing music]." I always wondered why she had such a talent with music yet, never wanted to show us, or let alone be around us. There's a reason, as there always is, for people to build up these walls around themselves. We all have them. And there's those few rare moments when you get to truly see those walls break down a little. A little light comes out and shines through your heart, and it warms you, so much. It's these moments that hit you the hardest, and make you love the most.

"High school made is so hard for me. I performed so much then and I just love that high you get when you perform." It began to make sense to me as to why she never wanted to play: It reminded her of what she couldn't have. The one thing that hurts me the most is when people have to give up what they love the most--what makes them alive, makes them breathe, and makes them feel passion. I think the reason it hurts me so much is that I could never ever imagine myself giving up my passion for music. It's gotten to the point where I need it to breathe--an unhealthy obsession. If I were to give it up, it'd bring me a horrific sense of failure... And I know it would creep up on me for the rest of my life. I'm more afraid of letting myself down and giving up who I am, than achieving an ideal sense of "success".

Ever since I first slipped into that pretty long traditional dress and plastered make-up and hairspray all-over my head when I was only 12-years-old, I knew I would have a lifelong passion for the performing arts. There's a sense of letting yourself go and slipping into an almost "different character", playing roles, that isn't entirely you, but yet--is you, because you've grown the comfort in what you are doing to express yourself.

"Rachel, you made me so emotional!" You have too, Fountainhead, and when someone has the ability to pull on my heartstrings like that, then that is something special.

Even though outside forces may be preventing you from doing what you truly want to do with your own life, don't give up what you love just for the sake of making their money worth it, Fountainhead. I'm afraid of wasting my money too, but allow this experience to nurture your love and growth as an individual. Make the most of all of the opportunities around you--they are flourishing without you when you stay behind. I know it hurts, but I'd rather see you fly than stuck behind bars... Because you know you can't have the life you want, doesn't mean you can't explore how much you can do with just what you have.

I need to tell myself things like this sometimes.

Everyone will notice Dia Frampton in "Red"

Dia Frampton's "Red", A Short Music Review

Living up to the album's name, Dia Frampton has titled her upcoming debut album "Red" in remembrance of a time she used to complain about no one noticing her at school, and her mom simply saying, "Wear red. Everyone notices it." With this album, Dia is sure to get some noteworthy attention from her listeners--both old and new.

Now, it usually is my tradition to give my own little insight and "review" into what I think and feel about an upcoming album from both Frampton sisters. But, for the first time, I am reviewing this album without the album and lyric sheet in my actual two hands. I should have known my pre-ordered album would be mailed to me ahead of time before I left college (just like "Here, Here And Here" was given me a couple weeks before release date!). And so, my album is patiently awaiting me back at home, yet, this doesn't mean I'm going to break tradition!

The album opens with Dia's second-released single "Don't Kick The Chair (Feat. Kid Cudi)". As the track slowly opens up with faint sounds of thunder, rain, wind, and a rocking chair, electronic drumbeats, incomprehensible over-dubbed syllables, and soft chiming bells give way to the anticipation of Dia saying, "Have you ever felt like everybody's watching, waiting for you to lose? Have you ever felt like you're living in a spotlight searching for the real you?" With a song written so deeply reflective and internal, the upbeat nature of the song serves as sort of a "lift" from a heavy burden weighing one down. By telling listeners to "don't kick the chair, it's gonna get better, don't kick the chair, it can only get better", Dia chimes in on the listener's heartstrings and gently pulls them in. Surprisingly, Dia's voice does well on this more upbeat, poppy commercial track, although, Kid Cudi's harsh break in the middle of the song can serve as a setback, as it's not only something not familiar to old Frampton fans, but it doesn't tend to flow well with Dia's drifting, lullaby-like vocals. Nonetheless, this song is extremely catchy and is still something to love as she grabs the attention of her listeners to hear what comes next.

The next track is the upbeat, country-pop driven song "Isabella", immediately giving insight into how the rest of the album will run. Accompanied with a lightly-plucked banjo and guitar, the lyrics so aptly match the song, as the momentum of the song's fast-paced drums build up to Dia's telling a so-called Isabella to "run away" for it's "never too late". It gives a few breaks in-between to sweetly tell the girl to "don't be afraid", for Dia herself has prepared for Isabella's getaway. As the second song in the album, I feel this song acts as a calling to Dia herself during this great change in her own personal life. "Why you hidin', why you stayin', maybe you don't think you have a choice" tells of Isabella's reluctancy to get outside, however, Dia assures her "don't you be afraid" for she's a "sleeping tiger" that needs to "come awake" to the great things that await her life out in the real world, just outside of her own humble little abode.

"The Broken Ones" is a beautiful piano-driven and orchestral-powered ballad that tells listeners that Dia loves "the broken ones who need the most patching up" and "who've never been loved". This deeply passionate and inspiring song from Dia, which has been released as a single and video, charmingly incorporates her sisters and Meg & Dia-bandmates. It definitely is inspiring to see the two most important things in Dia's life being incorporated in her one single moment to shine as Dia Frampton on her own two feet.

The fourth track on the album, "Good Boy", is a more lazily-driven pop song with Dia's natural country-ad-libs giving it a head-nodding, cute and folky feel as she calls out, "Charlie's such a good boy, good boy. Mama's crying out, where's he hiding? Charlie's such a good boy." If anything, listening to this song puts such a great smile on my face and warms the insides of my heart, so so much... This song leads to "I Will (Feat. Blake Shelton)", a slow-tempo and more stripped down song that gives way to reflection, which is needed after the album's first 4 songs of generally upbeat tracks. What gives this song such a special feeling is Blake Shelton's presence in the song, as they talk of always being there for each other and "always hav[ing] your back", which is very much reflected in their own relationship. Sweet lyrics like, "Who's gonna try to make you laugh? Remind your life ain't all that bad. I will, I will..." reflect their father-mentor relationship so well. Who can deny the utter sweetness of this song?

"Billy The Kid", which is the product of Dia's collaboration with Foster The People, serves an entirely different genre from the entire album. A techno, dance-driven song with a spooky feel, it opens with Dia's cautious, warning-based storytelling of a boy named Billy and his "gang of thugs", saying, "Now once upon a time when the West was old..." Initially, I was afraid Dia and the idea of a "dance-pop" song wouldn't work, but, to no surprise, Dia adds her own taste to the song by giving it a haunting and utterly deep feeling, familiar to old Meg & Dia fans when the girls would write of stories inspired from classic gothic novels. The song builds up in search of Billy The Kid as Dia says, "I've got you in my sights ... Where did you go? Why did he go? I've been around here waiting for so long, so long. And I'll wait for you." With airy, reverb-ed vocals and echoes, Dia gives the song an almost Halloween-like feel, closing the song with a spooky laugh that reminds listeners that this is just a story to listeners. If anything, this is definitely one song to remember and serves as one of my favorites on the album.

The next track is accompanied by just Dia and her acoustic guitar in "Daniel". As an avid fan, I first heard this song as a home-recorded video from her sister Jade, almost a year ago. To hear this song on her album reminds listeners that Dia is still Dia, even before her appearance on "The Voice". Songs as languid and simple as this is the root of the Frampton sisters' songwriting. As the singer-songwriter she's always been, Dia talks of a boy named Daniel, saying, "I didn't mean a word I said back then, Why'd you let me win?"  She then narrates by saying, "You couldn't follow me to LA, I should've never took that job, Now three years have passed and I still feel so wronged ... Why Daniel, wish you'd talk me out of it ... Why'd you let me walk away, I would've stayed ... You stood there with your palms out you're crying with silent... Why'd you let me win?" This song, as thoroughly heart-wrenching as its lyrics can serve, is a wonderful and simply raw and organic "break" throughout the duration of the album. This is Dia's moment in the album to simply do what she does best.

"Walk Away" serves as the perfect follow-up to the previous track, as it's calm, candid whistling and sway-driven caution to her listeners invite a toe-tapping, simply feel-good track. I often find myself nodding along to this song, as it opens up with a simple whistling-melody and bass-line, much in relation to Foster The People's "Pumped Up Kicks". Its message definitely stays true to who Dia is as a songwriter as she warns her listener of a "bullet with your name" and "you better run away, run away, run away ... either way you're schooled (?) there's nothing you can do". She continues to tell, "She's telling tales through telephone that make you cry up to the bone" and "she doesn't understand that love is what you give not giving up". Dia's naturally figurative and oftentimes canny songwriting has been rooted even in her Meg & Dia days, as this "caution" song, much like the "you better watch yourself" aspects of Meg & Dia's "Roses", is such a comfort to hear.

This is followed by the album's second-to-last ninth track "Bullseye", which is a wary-filled song that is accompanied with spooky, maybe dissonant, syllables resonating in the background and an underlying tone that builds up as the song proceeds. This song is almost the definition of "cool" in all of the album's songs, as I find that this song is one of the few in the second batch of songs that differ drastically from what we first heard in the more poppy and commercial-like songs heard in the beginning of the album. Dia cries out in the beginning, "We've gotta run, who will save me... Baby, it's the chain reaction, you'll see. It's a lonely, lonely world at a crazy, crazy speed. And you don't need no no distractions from me. It's a lonely, lonely world at a crazy, crazy speed... They've got it out for me." These last few songs, I say, have been my favorite and stay true to what Meg & Dia fans are more familiar to hearing. The deeper and somewhat darker feelings emitted from this song coupled with its hard-hitting lyrics serve as almost a caution for Dia herself; I feel that she's talking of the music industry having a "chain reaction" on the 'major' artists they sign, providing a truly "lonely lonely world" that moves at a "crazy crazy speed"... She warns her possible fans, lovers, and family that "[they] don't need no no distractions from me" and simply says at the end, "They've got it out for me." They've got Dia at the bullseye, and this is Dia's true reflection on herself.

The album ends with "Trapeze", which almost serves as Dia's anthem to what she hopes to accomplish, not only with this album, but at this moment in her life. The song opens with a simple chord progression and leads to a build-up of a soft drumbeat, a second guitar, and then a simple harmonic piano providing its own melody. The characteristics of the song are absolutely beautiful, as Dia speaks that "this world is a whirlwind and I'm holding that trapeze, and I'll never tell you who I loved." As orchestra instruments begin to chime in to provide a more dramatic, emotional effect, she says, "But if I could tell you one thing, I would tell you I'm not leaving. If I could show you one thing, I'm my mistakes have shaped me, into who I am. And who I am just wants to make you whole..." This is almost Dia's personal message to her loved ones, apart from her new change starting in the music industry as a solo artist, or her storytelling of other girl's and boy's wary situations, or even her own situations in life... This song lies true to who and how she is, after such a ride of different stories and scenarios throughout the album. This track beautifully ends the album with Dia's message to the one(s) she loves... She is "not leaving" and her "mistakes have shaped [her]" and just "wants to make you whole".

Overall, I think this album has its key special trademarks. There's such a great diversity to this album, but it lies true to no single genre. Dia has created her own genre with this album, as it touches upon country pop to soft ballads to more upbeat, dance songs to the old familiar storytelling and darker songwriting. The album is well-balanced and, although I may be biased, I think this album serves as a great milestone for Dia. By searching back to her roots and home all-throughout the songwriting process of this album, Dia has been able to reflect on all of the situations in her life that have led her to where she is now--and the product of that search is the album "Red". Much more mature and holding so much more knowledge of the world around her than when she released her first studio album with her sister Meg in 2006, Dia is able to create songs that are true to her; whether they're sweet, spooky, fun, or just plain make you happy, Dia has captured what she wants in music with this album, but is well aware of the troubles and traps that may lie ahead of her. This is told through her wonderful songwriting and carefully chosen effects in instrumentation. With careful listening, one can easily see the talent that has always bred beneath this small-town Utah girl. Although her earlier songs with Meg & Dia have strictly strayed away from her country roots, Dia is able to incorporate all she's loved and learned throughout the years, mixing in her country roots with the darker rock of her early years, the poppy ballads she's obligingly sung on "The Voice", and the not-too-dancey-yet-still-fun songs that embrace the time she is in now. As Meg & Dia albums have been harder to promote years before due to its more "acquired" taste, I feel this album can easily be heard by anyone, and listeners will find that one or a few of the key songs they enjoy. As Dia has always been one to be both sweet and at-times dark in both her own life and in her songwriting, this album has greatly captured the essence of who Dia is.

Disclaimer: This doesn't include Dia's other songs released on iTunes ("Hearts Out To Dry" and "Homeless") or WalMart's special bonuses ("Love Can Come From Anywhere" and "Stairway To The Stars"). I will return to those later on but, to note, the iTunes exclusive tracks are absolutely beautiful, with "Hearts Out To Dry" written with and accompanied by her sister Meg. To old Meg & Dia fans, you'll love this song if you loved their songs from "Cocoon" or on their "Be Careful. I Love You. Stay In Touch. EP" dropcards. The WalMart exclusive's hold that dance-pop Dia talked so much of early on.

Go buy it in stores now or on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/album/red/id481761058

Art + Dreams

Tonight, I realized something...

It may be hard for a lot of people to wrap their minds around the fact that I do show such a particular interest in music--that I play guitar (as people say) very well, and that I write (I'd say) pretty decently--but don't sing, or even publish any of my own original songs, in public.

It's not that I'm terrible. If I were terrible, I'm sure I would "throw the towel in" and not have kept up with it for 5 years now.

It's not that I'm shy. If I were shy, I wouldn't be so outspoken about my fondness for music and profess my interests so much.

It's not that I'm proud. If I were proud, I wouldn't be so eager to learn from those around me.

Rather, I've found that it's just that I haven't grown the confidence, nor the comfort, in it. You know, the thought of dropping school altogether and really really pursuing a career in music by devoting all of my time to grow as an artist hasn't been too far off my mind... In fact, it crosses my mind a bit too much that I find myself telling myself, "No. No. You don't need a music major. You've asked countless music majors here. You should just keep on with your English and do your screenwriting. You're fine."

I find myself still wanting to do more... Sure, I want to pursue a career in writing and making films and songs and the such, but... I'm still young, right? Doesn't that mean I should do what I want to do now as a young person? The rest of my life can be devoted to writing, but my music is most important to me right now.

But so is not wasting my mother's hard-earned money. So is not risking it with the fear of failure. I came here to write and make music-- and whatever college degree can give me that, I'll be happy. But, those are all freelance jobs. What now?

Fear has always been one of my biggest enemies. To reduce that fear, I surround myself with everything I love, and bask in others' success in what I love. Great musicians, great screenwriters and authors... Why do I treasure and adore them so much? I think that doesn't even need to be answered... They fill up the spaces in my life I wish I had. Don't they all?

If I thought I were terrible at my Art, I'm sure I wouldn't be so persistent and heavy-handed on pursuing something with it... The fact that my elders and teachers have given me such great praise with my writing and my guitar-playing over the years have only given me confidence that I do have potential. And my job now is to only further that potential. I know I have the potential, and I know I can sing (maybe not comfortably), and I know I can make songs (not as well as I'd like), but getting to where I want to get is going to take a lot of work. I'm too much of a perfectionist and it's hard for me to settle for less. But, sometimes, I just need to face the fact that I still have a lot of progress to do, and it's OK.

While I'm here, I'm distracted with the things that keep me away from doing the dirty work. Rather, I'm frolicking through the daisies, getting-by with my confusion, with my mind truly elsewhere... This isn't where I want to be, but I hope this will lead me to where I want to be.

Innocent Hearts

For the longest time, I can guarantee that I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, January was a tough month, but this particular familiar feeling hasn't been here since, I dare say, more than one year ago: the moment I broke down for the first time in public, at school, just a year ago near the beginning of my senior year; you three were the ones who came to me, hating to see me that way, taking me in to do everything in your power to see me smile again.

You know, it really breaks my heart to know that I can never have that kind of moment with you anymore. That genuine care for me that first initially led me to open up to such a dark period in my life. You--one who was such a role model to me, who once said to me, "I hope my daughter grows up to be like you." You--who once was the one who became my new companion when one left. And You--who sold yourself to me as the one who would always watch out for me.

Ever since April, I have been in the happiest state of my life. I can say that with clear candor and confidence. From April on, I've been filled with so much love, hope, optimism, friendship, joy, and a pure enthusiasm for life... Something that was so foreign to me year after year. My 4-month long summer really did give me enough time to fully appreciate my Home and do (almost) everything I wished to do. But, not until recently, I can feel myself falling, just a bit. And it scares me. Because I hate regression.

A friend told me more than a month ago, "You know. I was afraid that after senior year and Kairos and everything, you would go back to your old self. But, you seem like you've been fine and having fun and you're still outgoing. That makes me happy."

I've always been the kind of person that would feel an extreme sense of failure when I would set myself up for something great, only to disappoint myself in the end. After Kairos and continuing to live my life with full momentum after senior year, I would've done anything to not lose that momentum. To not lose that progress, that optimism, that positivity, that happiness. I've put myself out there so much my senior year--both in the bad and the good--and it only came with a benefit. I could never put all of that energy, and all of my efforts, to waste. To settle for less.

I think with all of the love and appreciation of my "happiness" and "more outgoing state", I've felt more inclined to never disappoint again--to always be happy and remain "more outgoing" (though, I still can't help if I'm bashfully shy, Mr. Stranger). I still remember what a good friend of mine said to me as senior year was coming to a close: "How have you been Rachel? I feel like you've been a lot happier these days."

My push to retain that "happiness" almost feels like a mask. I know that after being a Kairos leader, I was a light to so many girls. So many girls looked up to me the moment I stood up there at that podium and laid my whole heart on the floor, inspiring their little minds. Being a Kairos "mommy" was the best experience I've had in my entire life, and it marked the period of my life where I felt fully in control of myself. They looked up to me and, every now and then, they will remember Kairos and remember I was just one of the leaders to help them on their journey to where they may be now. It's always been my problem to never want to disappoint... But rather, I find myself always disappointing myself. Because I aim so high, see great things for me, when I haven't even set my foot in the water...

I guess, what I'm trying to get out of this, is that it pains me to allow myself to feel this way. I've always told myself that if I feel a certain way, I should make the most of that feeling, for that feeling can make great Art. It's real. It's true. It's the heart. "Something you say just might be what somebody else needs to hear."

For once, I just need to let myself feel vulnerable, not afraid of my disappointing others or letting them down, or internalizing my feeling for failure or a sense of "regression"... These are the true matters of my heart. Share it, love it, but don't drown yourself in it. There's nothing to fear when you're in the hands of the ones you love. "Without suffering there would be no compassion."

Make your heart grow innocent again.

Heartbreaker

I can feel it when a guy wants something more from me.

Those instances when I can be found in a room spending a little of my extra time with you guys, and you hover around me just a little while longer in hopes your spirits will be uplifted from just being around me.

You call my attention by coming up from behind me as I'm sitting down and you run your hands down my arms as a "friendly gesture".

While both seated, you glance over at my distant state and reach your hand towards my head. You entwine your fingers in my hair and start to play with it.

The next time I'm seated on a couch, you decide to sit on my lap. As you all tumble over the couch, you sit beside me and notice I'm "falling off" and tell me to sit on your lap.

You grab my hand when my hands are cold, but you hold it longer, holding my hand in a long clasp under sheets as a couple would do.

I notice your quick glances, up and down, believe it or not. You stand in front of me in a room, then cradle me into a hug with you--out of the blue.

You wish to someway, somehow, spend more time around me. Speak a little more words with me. And envision what it would be like to be with me.

And this is why They call me a Heartbreaker.

Sweet Disposition

I believe I have been absolutely blessed to have ended up with You.

You know, rewinding to just one year ago, college seemed like some far-off idea that would never happen. College was the last thing on my mind, for I didn't have my heart set on any university and I just wanted to make the most of my Senior Year. It amazes me at how much I've grown in just those 5 months from November to April--I've seen myself in so many different lights that it both haunts me but makes me so darn proud at the same time. I was so shy, insecure, and reluctant to open up about my dreams and passions then--the things that mean the most to me--and to have had such a great group of girls who walked me through my transformation of opening up and being the quirky, thoughtful, and adorable "Sassafrass" I know I am really couldn't have made the end of my Senior Year, and life at Carondelet, anymore sweeter.

I'm blessed to have had such little knowledge of where to go because He, in the end, led me to the right direction. My brother going to USF and sucking all my private school money and the other going to SJSU, leading me to believe I can aim for a greater college, led me on the UC-route. Cal, you ended up too prestigious for me, and Santa Cruz, you remain too outdoorsy for me. Irvine being the only college my friends didn't get accepted into and also having such a great English program gave me enough reason to be a fool to deny going here. And, little did I know, Irvine would bring me so much of my Home and cater to my own personal needs, all the same, in a foreign place.

The people here are absolutely wonderful. Yes, there are many asians on campus, but there is so much diversity around here that lets you find the right place for you. The people are absolutely friendly and, being one of the "happiest" campuses in the nation and a highly selective school, people are willing to care for each other. It's nice to have that effort of communal bonding in the dorms. The campus is also so reminiscent of De La Salle and Carondelet--the "rich white suburbia" stereotype reigns true to its buildings and campus. Irvine is too beautiful of a campus compared to surrounding schools and I can never get over it. The city itself is too much of a "safe escape" and, just like Disneyland, they would do anything to keep the "happiness" and "safety" of the city alive. Getting rid of hobos or street-wanderers? They are nowhere to be seen. I love having the ability to run around like free-spirited children at midnight or across lawns and parks and having no one judging or threatening me. I feel safe. And happy.

I think what I love most about UC Irvine is its amazing Arts community. Living in Mesa Court in the music hall, it's so comforting to have such great talents surrounding me every day--drama majors, theater majors, film majors, studio art majors, voice majors, music majors, and dance majors... You can never get enough of the people you see and meet here. Irvine's theater, concert, and show communities are absolutely beautiful, and having such a wide expanse of artistic talent allows me to cater to my inspiration any day. I've been learning so much on the guitar lately (I'm solo-ing now, what?!), and I've been slowing opening up about singing; writing is something that is being catered to as well... Living in a largely engineering, bio, and research-based college, it's so comforting to know there is a huge mass of artistic talent here. It gives me more confidence to actually pursue what I actually want to do... And it's an amazing thing how much you can learn from these other people.

My living situation is equally wonderful. My international roommate and I are both relatively quiet people which makes our room a good environment. She tends to go off at night and away the entire day so I have the room to myself a lot of the time--you have no idea how thankful I am for this, because I feel that every second of the rest of the day, I am constantly mingling and being distracted by my hallmates! I always feel the need to plug back in and rejuvenate, which is why my room is such a sweet escape... It's wonderful to constantly be doing things and still have the time to tend to my own needs (it could be that I've been given so much free time because of my relaxed schedule this quarter). Nonetheless, I've been eating well and soft-serve ice cream never ceases to please.

It's so strange to think that this upcoming week will already be Week 7 of 10. It will be so refreshing to be back Home, knowing it's the place I've grown up my entire life and that's shaped me into the person I am today. Going back Home kind of scares me a bit to be honest, just because I don't know what to expect or how it will feel (I know how weird and "empty" people feel when they return Home). But, I know I can never be bitter towards it. I know my life now belongs here in Irvine because this is where I'm living now, and where everything in my life is happening. Being away from Home has allowed me to grow in a place I can completely feel free to be me. It allows me to become aware of the things that I truly value in my life, and the people, places, and things that mean the most to me. The sentiments I hold onto stay true to my character; what I am here in college is who I am, period, at this point in my life. Learning more about myself? It's more like learning more about what I can do for myself.

There will be a time for Us, but right now, this is where I am. To have always lived a life finding where I belong, searching for my right footing and the things to hold onto, answering others needs, and never speaking up for what I want... This is the time I can actually feed myself some love, too. It's a sweet disposition.

How did you ever become friends with this girl?

It's no surprise. "How did you ever become friends with this girl?" I feel that throughout the past 6 years--middle school, high school, and beyond--some of the most profound relationships I have made to date have been based on that simple question. I can even say that my most precious and dear friendships have been based on the comment, "You two are so different."

Let me start from the beginning. Seventh grade. A crazy, loud, outgoing, and "in-your-face" girl just a year older than me wanted to befriend the shy, quiet, and soft-spoken seventh-grade me. She's tried since I was in the sixth grade to get me to open up to her, and when she got asked an offer to join the Kariktan Dance Company, she thought, "Well, this is a good chance to get to know her!" From that point on, I formed my first friendship that really clicked. She called me Little One and I called her Ate. There was an immense sense of understanding between us--we just knew where each other was coming from, as she would dump her thoughts and feelings about the events happening in her life on me. I'd share what little words of wisdom I could, and--frighteningly--I seemed to have a great wealth of wisdom at a young age--and my elder friends could see that. People would see this annoying, loud, and inappropriate girl on the outside spending too much time with the quiet, sweet, and innocent bystander, thinking she would "corrupt" me. Nobody knew or understood our friendship... Or even how strongly I resisted the influences. All they could see was that we enjoyed each others company too much.

Two years later, I find myself as a lonely and shy freshman sitting in a high school classroom full of upperclassmen sophomores, not knowing anybody. A girl behind me constantly nags me throughout the next few days, and weeks... "I really want to get this girl to talk!" If it weren't for her efforts in getting me to open up, I don't think we could've ever made such a great friendship so early on. Next thing you know, our goofy tendencies combined to the max and I find myself laughing as if there was no tomorrow--on the daily. Our fail attempt to become old ladies one Halloween leads us to calling each other Doris and Dolores--the Reese's ladies. But, inside of our goofy tendencies and random outbursts of laughter, we shared a common outlook. It became so easy for us to understand the other and sympathize with each other... I could never forget the one night our friendship strengthened and grew tremendously. My junior prom, as her eyes were watering, she was telling me, "You are one of the nicest girls in the world and he doesn't even know what he's doing. This is your prom and you deserve to be enjoying yourself. You don't deserve this." She saved my life that night.

Early in my freshman year, I met this wonderful girl who I thought was one darn gangster and "hypebeast"--something that was so opposite me. Somehow, we ended up finding each other in the same circle of friends, and we constantly were around each other. As our freshman years progressed, so did our friendship. Of course, that "gangster/hypebeast" prejudgment I had about her soon faded away, as I realized she was a girl of great faith, just as me. She had a secret passion for music as well, as she recalls our first conversation as being, "Oh, you're a Meg & Dia fan? Do you know the song 'Cardigan Weather'?" It was easy to see that she was outgoing and friendly and knew what she wanted to do, and, as we both grew over the years--together--we soon found ourselves calling each other Best Friend, because we really were. Although she was more outgoing, sure-of-herself, assertive, and a confident fashionista, it didn't seem to prevent a friendship with the quiet and reserved closet writer and musician from growing. But, we shared so many parallels in our lives. We thought on the same pages all the time--with great depth and creativity. We let each other know what the other knew already, in words. We shared an internal bond that wasn't entirely seen outside, with our strengths and weaknesses seeming to balance each other out so well--for, we brought the best out in each other. It wasn't until our senior year where we separated ourselves, for once, at our November Kairos. It wasn't until that moment in my life when I fully began to appreciate our friendship and become aware of all the love in my life, and all the potential she's seen in me that I didn't see in myself. And, whether we realized it or not, we've been, seen, and learned so much through and from each other that has amounted to our friendship today. We have always been the girls who were admired from afar, looked up to and taken care of, and put on such high pedestals whose humility beat ourselves up. And, the moment we found each other, we realized just how irreplaceable our friendship can be. "Today, I spent my Halloween with Rachel. Keep this girl close by to you." The term history may have grown trite over the years, but it's a wonderful thing what history can do and bring to a friendship. With it, comes familiarity and something that nobody can take away from you. There is a reason why we call each other Best Friend, and how we've never used that term lightly ever before.

Just a year later, forwarding to today, I find myself having left Home, packing all my bags of everything I've known, loved, experienced, and have been throughout all of my life, only to have brought them to someplace elsewhere, new, and foreign. But, with time, I soon realize just how familiar this place is. I realize how much at Home I can feel here. I reunite with the girl who so-called had a somewhat bad rep growing up as a crazy and loud girl--but I never saw that. I saw a true thinker that I saw in the past three aforementioned friendships. Just a year before having reunited, I found myself as being the first one whom she was able to perform a catharsis--a purging of all of her pent-up emotions on me after a painful occurrence as a form of release and cleansing. And man, was that one big night. To this day, I cannot be grateful for how much she's given me in the small amount of time we've already been given--and it's just the beginning. I can finally call myself Biking Rachel with her own theme song to bring me up during the times I may feel down, upset, or have low self-esteem and confidence in myself. People see this girl running around like a wild-child, talking as if on top of a mountain, caressing other people's bodies invading their so-called "privacies" and breaking boys' hearts because they are too enamoured by her simple being. Living in a world and life where nobody really understands or sees her for who she is--simply living by the naive notion that she is inappropriate and "dirty"--she is hardly ever given credit where credit is due. But, she is my Pink Unicorn--she may be different, unique, and a "novel" character, but there is a reason she is that. As she brings out the confidence, craziness, and outgoing-self I know is in me, I serve as that little reminder that she is special, and that she can change lives--that her life can amount to so much more. She is one who is full of so much love and only deserves to be loved back the same, if not, more.

I think there is something common among all of these special friendships I've made throughout the years. These are the very friendships that I've become most fond of, because they were the ones that just clicked and made sense. Even though it is written in the stars that our signs would make great friendships (the zodiac seems to have become a part of my religion), there is something more to be said. In each and every one of these friendships, it was too easy for anyone to "judge the book by its cover". There were the obvious similarities: I was always the pure, sweet, soft-spoken, reserved, head-in-clouds and very dream-driven girl who had her morals, beliefs and values (maybe to the point of being too stubborn), and relied on the arts of writing, dance, and music for expression; they were always the more confident, outgoing, social, and assertive girls who had a reason for why they were the way they are. They may all have come from troubled homes or backgrounds, and I was just a girl who seemed to have nothing wrong. I didn't come from a broken home or faced bad relationships--my biggest enemy was probably only myself. Having grown up with no father could have played a part in it as well, but having two older brothers have made me feel as if it couldn't have been any other way.

I think, in a way, they all saw a light in me. And, with seeing that positive light, it helped me to become a better me, and for them to become a better person themselves. That is why our friendships worked so well together. With seeing that light in me, I had more belief in myself to purely be me. I gave them all I could have ever given them--my utmost compassion, sincerity, honesty, and friendship. With my awkward and goofy tendencies, it was easy to laugh, but trust was also developed in my wide expanse and "sea of knowledge" that was safe.

Whether it be seeing something in each other we wanted to be more of, finding those key differences that made us a better person, or simply being a friend whom the other could take refuge in, these are the friendships you would be silly to ask, "How did you two ever become friends?" I think there's something to be learned from this, and from my own tendencies and patterns to making a new, true friend. Of course, there will always be the love and trust that makes up a good friendship, but I feel there also is the want to become a better person through it. A friend may be able to be there for you and support you, but what makes an even better friend is one in which you are able to grow from--in which you are able to become a better person, because you learn so much from the other. I feel that that is why these friendships have always been so dear to me. They have become so substantial and staple to my growth as a growing individual, finding my place and footing in this one darn ugly world. But, with friends like these, it turns out to be such a beautiful place, in which love given, is love received.

"I figured that anyone who's friends with you is a good person. Deep down."